To ask for the positives of only having one child?

[uhohala]

I know I’m lucky to have one. I always wanted at least two, so they each had a sibling. Sadly separated from DP when ds was 1 and he’s 2.5 now. No new relationship on the horizon and I’m 38 so it’s possible it’s already too late. I feel really down about it tonight. Anyone truly made peace with it or can see any plus points to just having one? I have the money to go it alone but it feels too much when I already have ds.

@Strawberriesandpears - no need to respond if you don't want to, but are you happy with how things have turned out for you? If not what could you do to change them for the better?

True. It's just sad I never even got the chance to find out if we would have got along.

I’ve got one, tried very hard for a second but gave up after a particularly traumatic loss.

There are two sides. Obviously it is cheaper, there are just the two of us (divorced and DC is very low contact with EA father). I can do things for one that I couldn’t do for two, buy them a car, support them with private health costs, driving lessons, very nice hotels on holidays as we are in one room. All that’s just monetary though isn’t it.

I do worry, it is literally just me and them and my ageing parents in the picture (siblings are geographically distant and we are not close).

I think it is easy to say, but my sibling is useless and I carry the weight, or we just don’t get on, etc., etc.. But my DC (who is not very robust, quiet and ND) being alone in the world when I am no longer here is a worry.

No I am not happy. I would have rather have had a sibling or at least cousins I was close to. I feel very lonely and vulnerable as an adult with no family and I dread the future as my older relatives die.

I had many failed pregnancies after having my one DS, and once I'd made peace with not having any more life with just one was great.

Like pp, he's always been comfortable with adult company, but also has loads of friends. He's delightful company, we never had any teenage dramas, and he's now 18 and currently interrailing with a friend (also an only child) around Europe.

My child was quite happy without siblings, and given how my useless sibling left me to handle everything when our parents died I can't imagine he'll be any worse off than I was on that front.

I've made sure he has good relationships cousins and extended family around the world, so that wherever he ends up living he'll have somewhere to go for Christmas.

Peaceful house, more resources - time and money to spend on them and easier for activities and birthday parties. Also when they are in school trips you can plan your own trip without another child to worry about. Much easier to organise play dates and have time to yourself too. One and done by choice and never regretted it.

Thank you, you get it. I wish your son well.

Do you have any close friends ? Some of my close friends are more like sisters to me than my actual sister. Sorry to hear you are feeling so lonely.

Please explain how you KNOW she would have been fine without her own family. I am intrigued!

Thank you. I don't currently but am working on building friendships.

I do get it @Strawberriesandpears. I worry about it a lot.

I love my brother but was an only child until I was a teenager and was fine with that, too. I think it's important to remember that siblings don't necessarily get along anyway. Some can't stand each other, some fight like cat and dog for years and only improve their relationship when they've moved out, and others barely have any relationship at all and only see each other at weddings and funerals.

So, gently, only have a second child because YOU want that, not because of some perceived obligation to provide a playmate for your eldest or a fantasy that they will toddle off together and be best buds.

Also, if you have any preconceived notions about only children, try to put those to bed. Your child will not be "selfish" or "lonely" if they are an only child. I've actually seen more entitled behaviour from kids with siblings. It was always the kids with siblings who snatched, stole, damaged or broke my toys because they grew up in a more rough and tumble environment and were used to doing the same at home. I used to be more than willing to share my stuff on the assumption that everyone took care of their toys as well as I did. I only became cagey after my generosity had been repeatedly abused. I actually find it a bit messed up that we brand the child who doesn't want their things destroyed selfish, rather than the child who does the destroying, but that's just a personal gripe.

Oh, in terms of the positives you asked for: you'll have more money to spend on one child than two, you'll have more space, and your house won't take as much punishment!

I am sorry you worry, but thank you for understanding and not being flippant like others.

@Strawberriesandpears its also flippant to be listing the horrors of loneliness and Xmas alone etc without thinking of people who have only children not by choice who may be reading

How? It is a fact. I am not the mother of an only child by choice. Them being lonely in the future is a valid concern.

Not every only child is going to grow up surrounded by extended family, be gregarious and have a life full of gorgeous friendships. Fact.

I have one DS (17).

Have to admit, I do still have moments of regret that DS doesn’t have a sibling. I think it’s only natural to wonder ‘what if’ on both sides really. I was 36 when I had DS and due to my MH and having a particularly hard few years with him, by the time things had settled down I didn’t feel ready to go through it all again, plus time and money weren’t on my side.

The absolute positive for us is that DS has NEVER mentioned wanting a sibling, he used to watch his cousins constantly argue, and he loved the peace when he returned home.

DS has friends, he’s now settled at college (had an awful time at secondary school) is having driving lessons, is going away with his friends in a few weeks, something we most likely couldn’t afford if he had siblings. We’ve been able to help him in ways my parents certainly weren’t able to (I’m one of three).

On the whole I’m glad we only have one DC but it’s been mixed with sadness.

My experience with siblings is that the older we’ve become, the less I see of them. I have two older brothers though and they are closer in age, they tend to see each other more. I often envy those with sisters.

Just pointing out that even if you do have a sibling, doesn’t necessarily mean you still can’t feel lonely, especially if they’re the opposite sex.

The one thing we can share though are memories of our late DF. That’s one thing I’ll feel sad about for DS.

Agree but not every child with siblings will either. FACT

Thank you. Your child is lucky to have such a thoughtful and considerate mother who can see the bigger picture.

@Thetroutofnocraic1 Of course it is sad that people sometimes can't have the number of children they want. But that does not dissolve responsibility towards the child you have had. I think @FantasticFanny is right to be concerned. Obviously there is nothing she can do to change the situation, but she sounds like a great parent who recognises the challenges her child may face in the future.

Money.

You will have so much more money.

(We have three.)

What about when you pass? What brings you more comfort? A child standing alone at your funeral, or one surrounded by siblings (assuming they get on)? Obviously there is no guarantee of the latter, but as an only child there is a significant chance of the former.

I think @Strawberriesandpears is getting a hard time.People experience life differently, some only children will be absolutely fine but some do experience loneliness and that's equally valid.

I'm an only child and recognise a lot of what she says, even though I now have a husband and child of my own. I remember feeling the exact same way, which is why I felt under a lot of pressure to find somebody and start a family.
I also have lots of friends that I see regularly, so between that and my husband/child, work and hobbies, I'm not lonely day to day. The loneliness is on a deeper level.
I have one remaining parent (elderly) and when she's gone (and my aunts/uncles of her generation) I'll have no close family, other than 2 cousins 20 years older who live in another country.
Nobody of my generation to reminisce about childhood memories with, nobody who'll even remember me as a child.

Nobody to call on if I have a crisis, like if my marriage breaks down and I need somewhere to stay, or if someone dies.
Yes, friends will support to some extent but they have their own families and stuff going on, which naturally takes priority.

I'll never have nieces and nephews and my child won't have any close younger relatives from my side. No cousins.

People will say having siblings doesn't guarantee anything and that might be true, but at least there's a possibility that at some point at least they might be close. That option doesn't exist at all of you're an only.
And in my experience, even siblings who don't always get along do support each other when shit hits the fan.

I'm sorry if that's hard for parents of only children to read, I understand why they might react defensively and say it's "melodramatic", especially if having an only wasn't by choice. I'm just sharing how I personally feel.
For me, the cons of being an only go far deeper than the superficial pros like more resources and having been able to do more hobbies. It's hard on an existential level.

I too have struggled to have a second and I'm trying again after a loss. I'll do everything possible to not leave my child an only. If you can afford to have another and are willing to use a donor I'd say go for it.

Thank you. You absolutely understand in a way that I think only other only children can.

One here, too.

Echoing a lot of previous comments - time, money, freedom. We've never had to hesitate to provide DD with things she needs or let her explore her interests to balance them with a siblings.

The trade off is that she's very much going to be the only family she has unless she makes that family as she ages. Her cousin is 10 years younger and her next closest relative is a second cousin she's met twice.