To ask for the positives of only having one child?

[uhohala]

I know I’m lucky to have one. I always wanted at least two, so they each had a sibling. Sadly separated from DP when ds was 1 and he’s 2.5 now. No new relationship on the horizon and I’m 38 so it’s possible it’s already too late. I feel really down about it tonight. Anyone truly made peace with it or can see any plus points to just having one? I have the money to go it alone but it feels too much when I already have ds.

I am an only child as my mum met my dad late in life and couldn’t have anymore. So I understand the sibling need from a child perspective as well as a parent to a degree as my son was an only for ten years.

It can definitely be difficult. I was very lonely at times during childhood. I didnt have any cousins nearby or of a similar age so I was completely reliant on friends for company. You do feel at the mercy of other families for playdates etc. I wish I had got into brownies and guides as I think that would have been a fantastic way to forge friendships. My son is in Cubs and has guaranteed playdates ever week and trips away with them which is fantastic.

When I got to about 16-22 I think it was the hardest time. I felt very alone at my most vulnerable BUT I met my best friend at uni and she still is 20 years on, as well as my husband. So despite being awkward and socially inept I got lucky. I think there is a huge element of luck in meeting the right people…obviously going to a great university with lots of socialising helps.

So that would probably be my advice, to lean on institutions like Cubs/Brownies, good schools and good colleges, unis. These types of places exist partly just for socialisation.

We intensely researched my son’s school and he has loved it. I hated primary school so this was a big thing for me and thankfully it’s paid off

@Strawberriesandpears i like the way you are making little snide remarks to try and insult me. What responsibilities are you referring to ? You don’t know me, you don’t know my child and you have no idea what way I am rearing my child or what I do to consider their future .

@SummerAndSunPlease and you are so right about it being hard on an existential level. I don't even have a child of my own, so right now (I am not even 40 yet) I am having to start thinking about planning my own funeral as there will be zero family to do that for me whenever the time comes. It's extremely mentally hard.

OK if you like them, I will keep making them! I have plenty more up my sleeve. 😂

Seems fine for you to make remarks about me though even though you know nothing about my life.

Basically I think a lot of people are triggered by what I am saying because deep down they know there is at least some truth in it. I am sorry to those who didn't choose to have one child though but life is life and you can't shy away from it.

Can you please tell me what responsibilities you are referring to regarding my child in your previous post ?

When you "pass" you will be dead and will find it pretty hard to be comforted by anything.

To worry about their future.

@Strawberriesandpears there are plenty of people on this thread who have raised concerns without being melodramatic and all “doom and gloom” the way you are in your posts . I’m sorry your life was completely ruined by not having siblings, however plenty of only children don’t have this experience…life is what YOU make of it

I do worry about my child’s future so I make sure he has lots of play dates and time with his cousins . I don’t know what made you assume I have no worries at all. I’m sure if I had another dc I’d have other worries . There are always worries when rearing a child.

Ah yeah, I see! Once you pass, it's just like 'byeee' to the child. Nice knowing you. Crack on on your own now!

Do you not think about these things whilst you are still alive? I have heard the 'childfree' be called selfish, but my goodness, some of you parents are so short sighted and self centered it's unbelievable!

I have 1 child.

I'm one of 3 and don't talk to my siblings

DH is 1 of 2 and doesn't talk to his siblings.

Advantages: more time with them, things are cheaper, more money for the family means we get to do more things and can support them to do what they want.

They've missed out nothing. They have an excellent friendship group at school, have two hobbies and also volunteer. They are 16.

You are assuming people are short sighted and self centred based on a few sentences they have typed on a mumsnet thread ? I think you may want to do a bit of reflection on your own life before judging people so harshly . And I don’t know anyone in real life with any ounce of intelligence who is would refer to childfree people as “selfish”

@Strawberriesandpears That must be really hard. I do understand.
I try not to dwell on all these negatives and try to enjoy what I do have. Having close friendships definitely helps, even though it's not quite the same as siblings, so if you can find some way of getting those it will help you to at least not be lonely day to day.

@Strawberriesandpears just because your experience of being an only child has been difficult but it it is not the truth or reality for everyone.

You seem to have some sort of magical thinking that having siblings solves all sort of problems. There are many many reasons that people don't have second children, impact on the mental health of the mother, impact of physical health of a mother or adverse financial aspect. These things have a much more detrimental impact to a child than the small possibility of being alone at Christmas or a lonely figure at their parents funeral.

I would suggest it is you who is short sighred and self centred. It is not selfish to have one child. Siblings aren't the answer for all the problems you list. And there are SO many variables that could happen in a child's future that you can't prevent or prepare for every eventually. At some point people need to take responsibility for their own lives and build their own connections in life.

People have given positive examples of stories on this thread but you seem determined to discount these and that your own experience is the only one that is the truth. All parents worry about their children's future whether they have siblings or not. There's a lot more as a parent I worry about them being alone at Christmas. The fact you list this as one of the worst things that can happen to anyone would suggest to me you have lived a privileged life.

Completely agree with this.

My son is 8 now and I love our little family. He is outgoing and we make sure we make time for him to see his friends

Mines an only now an adult. No regrets. It suited her and us.
My life was definitely easier working and only juggling one for clubs/hol childcare/school.
She always did activities and has close friends. Both her best friends are pretty much onlies with much older half siblings who don’t live with them.
Obviously money wise it’s easier eg uni she can go where she wants as we can afford to top up her minimum loan.
Once we die I’d imagine she’d have a partner and friends.
Just been to a funeral and the only child was well supported by his wife of 35 years, adult children and wife’s family, extended family definitely not alone. You build your support network.

I absolutely love my 2 kids but would have been happy to stick at one. I feel like 25% of my time is spent refereeing, and the financial implications of having 2 is massive and much more than I expected

I agree, I have had a very privileged life. It was a great privilege to go to my doctor and be diagnosed with significant anxiety and depression over the existential lonliness I feel. And to have suicidal thoughts. Massive privilege.

What if he hadn't been lucky enough to have found a wife and have had children though? Doesn't happen for everyone.

@SummerAndSunPlease Thank you for being one of the few people on this thread who understands and gets it.

But they won't be alone in the world. This is so dramatic! I'm an only and I have a DS, maybe grandchildren one day. Even if I didn't, I have very close friendships who are as good as family to me, I am NC with my dad and my friends have been far more of a support than he ever was.

The take away from this thread is mostly:

I am definitely in the wrong
My feelings are not valid
I am a horrible, selfish privileged person

I'd rather have no family than a lot of you.

Do you think none of that would have happened if you had a sibling?

I've also had depression and anxiety and existential thoughts about the future. I've been diagnosed by a doctor and had suicidal thoughts.

I also have siblings. I don't speak to them but your thoughts and feelings aren't unique to being an only children.

I wouldn't wish depression and anxiety on anyone and I am sorry you are going through it. But yes you are self centred and short sighted to think siblings would somehow cure of your anxiety and that your life would somehow be magically better.