Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

One question, do you have children?

For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted

and what does SHE need to feel connected and loved??? Not sex…so what does she need? Usually women need to feel loved and connected before they have sex…

When she said 'it isn't that', was that the end of the conversation or did she offer any other explanation?

Life is too short for a sexless marriage. Talk to her about it - see if you can resolve it and if you can't then consider your options.
Posters will be along to tell you it's all likely to be your fault for various reasons including your not doing enough housework - but unless you can resolve it, it doesn't really matter whose "fault" it is. Good luck OP

Find someone else then

It could be her hormones if she's peri menopausal. A change or drop in hormone levels can massively affect sex drive and libido. Maybe try speaking to her again and ask if theres anything you can do to help her.

Sex is important. You need to be on the same page, fine if you both have low sex drive, not fine if one partner is refusing and the other wants more.
you need to have an open honest discussion with her about her reasons and find a way forward or there is no future for your marriage.

There could be lots of reasons for it and it’s impossible to say, only she knows.

What I would say is if you know you’re doing everything you can to be an equal and present partner and your relationship is good then it could be hormonal, it’s really common for women to just not want sex or not feel sexual as we get closer to menopause.

Youll need to ask her again, try not to put the pressure on and ask her to be honest about what has changed for her.

Stop with the awful sex OP. She obviously doesn't want to have sex and is just trying to shut you up. You can't surely be enjoying it. You need to find a way to reconnect with your wife; rebuild your relationship. Perhaps couples counselling would be a start. Find a way of rebuilding intimacy.

We have two children

If she isn’t willing to try or have therapy to resolve the issues then I’d leave her. Being in your 30s isn’t the right age to stop having sex.

You shouldn't be having sex with someone when you know they don't want it OP.

Have you had a chat about her needs and if they're being met in general?

Do you pull your weight at home, do you do your share of household chores/kids/pets etc.? Do you show your wife affection in other ways? Why do you think she doesn't want to have sex with you?

They aren't excuses. She doesn't need to justify not wanting sex, there is no fault. They are choices.

Your post is about what you want and her 'excuses'. You need to find a way to communicate better with her. It may be you are incompatible, it might be talking it through helps but you need to start framing it all very differently in your head as you sounds very selfish and entitled from this.

What is the AIBU?

There is little to go on here.

You and your wife have been married for 10 years. You have two children. What ages? What kind of jobs do you have? Do you spend time together outside of the children?

You need sex to feel close. What does she require? Has there always been a difference?

She has told you about past exes.
When was this? Recently? Years ago?

Yes, sex is a way to feel close but something has had to have happen between you to to have change things. It is rare that it just happens out of the blue.

Stop asking her if it's x or y.

You need to enter her world and ask in a no pressure, more inquisitive way what puts her in the mood.

It can be literally anything - peace and quiet, time to focus on herself, feeling confident in her appearance, going for a meal, having privacy in a busy house etc and then support in the implementation without any expectation.

You go and focus on yourself too - make sure you go to the dentist, wash daily, get your hair cut, do your own laundry.

Probably having an affair or addicted to porn.

Oh hang on, its a man asking not a woman.

And do you pull your weight equally? Do you do housework without being asked, do you take full responsibility as a parent - book appointments, answer teachers, take them to clubs?

Why are you having perfunctory sex with someone who is clearly uninterested? Just stop.

Decide how important this is to you I'm terms of maintaining your relationship, then have a conversation in that regard. Maybe she will tell you why she's not interested, then you can decide how that works for you.

Life is too short for poor sex, if it's important to you.

Has someone asked how much housework you do yet?

She’s 42 and I’m 35 so maybe that has something to do with it

So nothing to do with you then?!

Yup. Probably while you were typing 😊
@maddiemookins16mum

Again, what do you do for her? Why do you think it’s a her problem and not how you have decided your relationship is only loving and connected through sex?

Listen to this podcast z seriously.

https://www.dontbuyherflowers.com/podcast/the-dont-buy-her-flowers-podcast-ep-020/

Or the other one with the same guest about not letting having kids ruin your sex life. The details about how women feel about spontaneous sex for instance are really interesting and you'll get great insight into what she might need from you before you even begin to work up to having regular sex - that she wants - again.