Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

Could it be she’s lost her confidence in her body as she’s got older? I’ve put on a few pounds over the last few years and have gone off sex for that reason.

Anyone who actually does this deserves to be alone. How manipulative and immature!

Omg, give the man a chance. Posters often drip feed initially but reading these responses it seems there are some very cynical and cruel women around just waiting to stick the boot in. The pile on with assumptions about how it is all HIS fault is just shameful.

Get a grip. If you can't say anything nice, better to say nothing at all.

Sometimes women go off a partner who isn't pulling their weight because the dynamic changes from partners to parent or housekeeper.

If I'm doing your washing, making your pack up and asking whether you want anything from the shops and what you want to do at the weekend, then I'm going to feel like your mum.

If I'm constantly available to the dc then you start groping me as well, then sorry that shop's shut.

If you're booking a table at a restaurant and organising a babysitter, well that looks a lot more like a date. But it's not instant. It's not a chores/sex slot machine.

I agree with this, especially that you need to stop having sex with her when she is clearly doing it just to get you to stop asking for a while. Icky.

How is your intimacy outside of sex? Are you able to separate the two - I had an ex who couldn't, and it killed our sex life because every time I wanted a cuddle, he thought he was getting sex.

You really need to have a conversation away from the bedroom about how you both are in the relationship as a whole. Is she tired/overwhelmed with the mental load if two children under 10? There will be an underlying reason. It might not be you, but it may be and you need to be prepared to hear it.

Nailed it in the second post.

What makes HER feel loved and seen? It might be complementing her, asking how her day is going and showing a real, genuine interest in her life/work/hobbies. Hugging on the sofa, holding hands.

She is your wife. What does SHE need to feel loved and connected? And are you actually doing that for her? Do you show her non-sexual affection?

TBF it did in our house. DH has always done more than his fair share and we’ve always had a great sex life - married 20 years.

OP - sex is a ‘whole life thing’ for women with kids, not a ‘separate from the day’ thing.

What fantastic advice 🙄

OP, you need to try and talk to her. Can you get an evening or afternoon to yourselves to discuss what’s happening? You may need to consider counselling, but talking to her is the only way you will discover what is going on and if it’s fixable. THEN you can consider the future of your relationship, but please don’t have an affair or just leave without trying as this poster is suggesting, not if there’s still love.

Please, just look at the endless threads from women of all ages/generations on here. Most of the frustrations is from women who are fed up of carrying the entire mental load of the family whilst the husband thinks going to work is enough of a contribution whilst also expecting their sex lives to stay the same. It’s actually shocking that on a website primarily of women, many have jumped to ‘is it her hormones’ - many women with young children have the same issue of a man who ‘doesn’t see mess’ or thinks the nitty gritty of raising children is down to the wife. When your partner starts behaving like a moody teen who needs all chores listed for them, sexual attraction can fall off a cliff.

Of course if @Ollie90 would like to come back and clarify a few things rather than just whine he’s not getting any sex I’m sure we can put that argument to rest.

It’s a psychological phenomenon that has been increasingly studied over the last decade or so. Basically when men refuse to pull their weight in marriages and relationships, expecting their wives to care for them as if they were children instead of acting like equal partners, it causes her to perceive him more like a child that she is a caretaker for. She then loses sexual attraction to him and sometimes even becomes revolted at the idea of sex with him (some think this is because the incest taboo is triggered by his behaviour).

you need to ask HER (not us), we can only speculate as we have no clue why she stopped having sex with you. It could she doesn't find you attractive, she's angry and doesn't want to connect that way, menopause, depression, you being very lousy in bed, she got herself a lover, she bought a dildo, you got bad breath, an ugly beer belly or she simply stop being interested in sex end off and it has nothing to do with you.

Ask her, tell her it's not cool and this is not what you signed up for.

If George clooney turned up I’m sure she’d be ok.

So are you attractive op? Having fun together? Dating? You must know deep down why she isn’t that interested and it won’t all be housework and hormones

Tbf, we don’t know for sure that this is a man.

OP has only responded so far that they have two children and the ages of OP and their wife despite several questions being asked for more info.

Do you pull your weight at home? Is she stressed? Does she get time to herself?

If you have 2 children how old are they?
She might be exhausted and touched out! And also doing a million and 1 other things so frankly is exhausted.

Speak to her about it but don't frame it of I want more sex but a discussion about how things are split, if unequal can you readdress the balance.
For many women it doesn't work like a immediate switch you need to take time and effort (on both parts).

It's also not unusual with young children for things to take a back burner for a bit.

I don't know why people ask this . They always come back and say they're house slaves.

I think a lot of you are unnecessary jumping on OP because he is a man.
I am in this situation myself except it is my DH who doesn't want sex. It is a really upsetting place to find yourself in so maybe some of you should be a little kinder to the OP

The problem is that sometimes there is just no problem, libido ceases through nobodies fault and as such there is no remedy.

Ar you mounting your husband and having quick perfunctory sex knowing he doesn't want it?

@ccupcaske123 because doing all the domestic labour causes resentment?

@cupcaske123 well no I am not and I couldn't have sex with my DH if I felt he didn't want to. So I accept your point

I know it does. The OP always comes back and says they do everything around the house.

only because its a man posting... i bet if it was a woman, you'd be in there braying for blood... LTB.. all men are pigs... blah blah blah.

Yawn.

You're going to get very mixed opinions here but I'm just going to say at 35 you shouldn't be celibate and wondering if your undesirable and have to beg for sex... I couldn't be in a sexless relationship. Your not overreacting. I'd try and see the causes and if they are sortable if not I'd consider 👜🎒