Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

Most women lose attraction to a lazy man child who needs to be told that shit needs doing around the house or the kids require more care than kicking a football around for a bit on the weekend with them. Who’d want to have sex with a man like that, it’s worth asking what he feels he’s lacking for his wife not to want to have a sexual connection with him.

You’ll get a lot of responses about housework etc and of course a dynamic where one partner isn’t pulling their weight and one is exhausted and resentful can affect your sex life.

But hormones play a huge role in sex drive for women. While I was breastfeeding I felt like I’d happily never have sex again. When I stopped it was like flicking a switch. The pill has the same effect on me. A hormonal cause like peri menopause may be treatable.

How old are they? Just wondering if they're quite little still because with little ones there's nothing worse than partner expecting sex when you've had kids all day

Haha is this a MN thing? Household chores equals dropped drawers?

how do you initiate sex? and irritating habit of my Hubble has is, we go to bed, he plays on his iPad for a while, then as I'm settled for sleep ask for 'a jump on'...

Hardly romantic... it's always a hard no with a 'are you joking'...

Women need more

For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

What do you mean by frequently?

🤣 I'm using that one😆😆😆

Oh goody! 🍿🍿🍿

Yeah, I would.

Life’s too short for a boring sexless marriage. Fuck that.

Or you could be adults and attempt to genuinely address the issue.

You have two choices. Either accept that you will be in a relationship with little or no sex, or end the relationship. Both are absolutely fine, it just depends which you prefer.

I believe it’s an actual thing.
If part of your caring/motherly/household duties include taking on those jobs for an adult, who should be equally responsible for those tasks (eg a manchild who doesn’t pull his weight) it changes the psychological dynamics of the relationship.

Or option 3, talk to each other about why she’s not wanting a sexual connection with her husband right now and accept the answer may not be something you’d want to hear (whether it’s either one or both of them being the root of the issue)….

Do you load and unload the dishwasher without being asked? Do you know how to tumble dry a PE kit? Do you go to parents' evenings?

This, every time.

We stop fancying you because you show us with your actions that you don't care about us. You're happy for us to do it all - all the domestic shitwork, all the thinking and organising and most of the parenting. You think you're worth more than us, and that you deserve more than us. This is what your actions show us.

Make it clear to her that you regard sexual intimacy as an essential part of your relationship. Then give it was months. Regardless of what discussions you have had in the meantime, at 12 months you need to physically leave her without notice. She has had fair warning.

No, I agree. A sexless marriage doesn’t work unless both parties agree.

I’d talk it through and work out the best options from there.

Oh god OP you're brave 😂Prepare for an onslaught of comments about how you need to pull your weight with housework!

Jesus Christ - ‘give me sex without discussion, even if there is a valid reason why you’re not wanting to right now or I’ll leave one day without warning, because getting my end away is more important than not causing untold damage to our young family….’

I think a sexless marriage is more deep rooted than who did the dusting last. It should be a way of expressing love, not a battle.🤷‍♀️

Awww poor you.

With so little info its very difficult to know what is going on, but tbh it does sound like she has gone off you, sorry. Your sex life sounds so joyless, i think you should tell her that you can't go on like this and she needs to be frank with you about the reason she doesn't want to have sex with you, even if it's going to be hurtful. If she just isn't interested any more you might end up having to separate.

Any need?

Not always, no. Women and men go off sex, with their partners, for a multitude of reasons. It’s not usually about housework.

Yes