Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

Oh right it’s a man asking about lack of sex in his relationship (waves broom at him) ‘go on, get out of it, shooo, shooo!’

so you have and will be asked if you do enough house work, if your a sex pest, which you clearly are, your male, young and would like a sex life with the partner you chose.

Now OP, yeah if your a good chap and your lives are even in terms of housework etc and also your not a selfish two push Charlie in bed, but take your partner into consideration then you know what? relationships shouldn’t be this hard. We shouldn’t have to negotiate with a partner who doesn’t want us near them, it’s not ok to pull away from someone without any explanation. It’s cruel for anybody to change the goalposts of a normal loving and sexual relationship, if everything has been discussed and she has no more to add as an explanation as to why, then leave and find someone who will enjoy all aspects of what we have been given in this very short life. Before anyone comes at me, I’ve been sexually assaulted a few times, abused and once raped, if there are serious issues then they should be questioned and dealt with, but if your in a healthy loving relationship, yes you should be having sex, really fancying each other, but not have to fill out a form or checklist for the right conditions in order to have it.

Relationships ebb and flow, we have little dry spells and mood changes, but we shouldn’t have to face being left puzzled and out in the cold, relationships shouldn’t be hard, go and enjoy one with someone else who’s not as bloody cold, you sexy pest you!! (Just remembers your a man again)

So your wife had a history of no longer fancying partners after a period of time? This is unfortunate because most people are able to transition from the initial novelty/excitement and to take pleasure even when the person is familiar. If your wife can't do that, and your shelf life is up as it were, unless she's prepared to try to recapture some enthusiasm, or you're prepared to go without, you're probably going to have to separate.

Wild guess but did her sex drive dip around the same time children came along?

42 is probably too early for perimenopause, maybe she's exhausted and feels under appreciated.

For a start a woman would post in relationship board not AIBU.

😂😂😂. oh lord is that the best you have?

Yes 😆

Is it a man posting though?

Is that you DH?

Sorry OP for the bitchy comments on here, some posters can't wait to give anyone a good kicking on aibu for any reason.
You need to talk with your wife though and see if you can work through this together. Ignore the stupid comments on here and go with the sensible.
It is a sad fact of life had you been a woman, the responses would have been totally different.

😂😂

Well obviously he would need to have a discussion. He had two children to care for , he can’t just walk out the door taking his two kids without any kind of conversation.

where will he and the kids live ?

what about their education (assuming they are in school, he will need to find a new place nearby unless he wants to disrupt their education )

How will he rearrange his work and hobbies around being a full time dad?

how will his kids cope with him taking then away from their mum without any notice ?

how will he make sure his wife sees the kids enough , he needs to agree and facilitate contact with her?

can they afford to divorce and run two houses , divide all their assets, savings, pensions wtc

Not all women. If she has form for going off of people after a while and not fancying them then it might be that for her feeling 'loved connected' doesn't do it for her. Some people prefer novelty.

Yuk.

What do you do to make her life easier? Do you help around the house? Do you help with childcare? Do you support her emotionally?

I think the clue might in might be in your post. You stated that you feel that sex is a way of feeling connected. Sex does help form connection and closeness. Men often confuse sex and intimacy. Intimacy is experience of emotional closeness. It occurs when two people are able to be emotionally open with one another, and reveal their true feelings, thoughts, fears and desires. This can only occur when both people are able to genuinely trust one another, and feel able to take the risk of being vulnerable.A perceived lack of intimacy is one of the most common reasons for relationship breakdowns.

I left my children's father after our sex life dwindled, mainly because I didn't want to have sex with him any more. I didn't want to have sex with him because he wasn't a partner in the ways that I wanted - I wanted an equality with him wrt to our input into the family and in many ways he just felt like another child - right down to him being childish towards our children, especially our son, whom he complained about and tried to dominate/ expected full compliance at all times from. In parenting, he wasn't a partner, but a drain, in running the house, he wasn't a partner but an entitled twat and in terms of life responsibilities, like life admin, Bill paying, present organising, etc he wasn't a partner but just someone else who I had to consider/ take responsibility for. So he felt like another child. So I didn't want to fuck.hi
, because children aren't sexy in any way. And our relationship fell apart and I left and life is much easier with only two children to consider and no man baby who believes he should have the respect of an adult and the responsibilities of a Prince (turn up for occasions to accept the reverence, having done nothing to contribute to the festivities except state his preferences) in my house.

Pretty much, yes. If a woman is being left to do all the grunt work as well as working outside of the home whilst the man sits on his arse playing with his x box, not only is that a massive turn off, it also leaves the woman knackered and less likely to want sex. It's not rocket science

Thanks, really appreciate this comment.

Probably not what you want to hear op but she might just be bored of your sex life.

The part where you said about it happening with previous partners is very familiar to me. I have this problem myself and it’s why I don’t do long term relationships anymore. Once the excitement starts to wear off I find I go off sex and would rather watch a box set than put in the effort to do something I know I’m not going to enjoy. I’ve been in positions where I’ve been in love with someone but not wanted to have sex with them again. There is nothing wrong with my libido, I know if someone new came along who I fancied I’d be very up for it.

Its not right to expect someone to stay with you if you can’t give them what you need though. I am working on my issues with intimacy and commitment as I do get lonely sometimes but I know I couldn’t get into a long term relationship right now.

Talk to your wife and see how she feels, don’t make it about you, and your looks or whatever. It may come down to it being your decision though, can you put up with being in a sexless marriage or will you walk away?

Unless you have been in a sexless marriage you can't understand the nothingness that it brings.

Obviously people jumping straight to 'are you doing your share of housework OP?' are just nasty women who are best ignored. There are a lot of them on MN.

I agree with this I've had sex to appease then I've been an absolute horn monster 👻 when I've really fancied somebody.

To be fair, you've given us v little info to go on and not answered any questions so there could be a million reasons why she doesn't want sex with you

Have you asked her?

Yes those nasty women who know too well how quickly sexual feelings can turn off a few years in of having children and your once equal partner suddenly also feeling like just another kid you need to cater for.

MRAs are far more rife than nasty women on these type of threads.

Sounds like you don't do it for her anymore.
How do you feel about divorce?