Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

You presumably did not take a vow of chastity so if she's not putting out then feel free to get it elsewhere. I play away with permission from H (usually!) and most of the men I see are married.

"putting out" !!
Are you a teenager??????

Your advice is for him to cheat on his wife, @OpenWife? And it's OK because you sleep with married men - who are presumably lying to their wives?

You say he didn't take a vow of chastity - if they are married, he presumably vowed to love and honour her - and cheating on your spouse behind their back is not honouring them.

... and forsaking all others is definitely in the marriage vows, is it not?

Expecting your spouse to life the rest of their life sexually frustrated is unrealistic, regardless of the moral issues. I work hard to keep my body in shape and I enjoy sex. I'm entitled to have my fun. I send them home satisfied and feeling validated as men. I don't say the wives are to blame. Just a fact of life. Is women don't like sex they should find a guy who also doesn't like sex.

There is not enough info here. What is the rest of your relationship like? Sex drive, particularly for women, is part of a much bigger picture.

Aaaaaand what of it? So, you're a bit of a warm one and get your leg over owt and think others should do the same?!

yes. life is too short.

And to hell with the families you and your cheating, married partners might devastate, eh, @OpenWife? That is a pretty selfish attitude.

well the moral of the story is never to leave your partner high and dry sexually. i am afraid the sin only makes the sex more intense

You sound nice.

I'm delicious

Wow you think highly if yourself Openwife.

well not sure how else to respond! the way i behave is pretty widespread these day. just nobody talks about it. we all pretend sex doesn;t matter that much and just sweep the thing under the carpet. the truth is that people seek out their pleasure elsewhere if they need to. we need to address this as a society and not be in denial.

not wanting to do it "right now" is one thing. forcing your partner into a life without sex is unrealistic and cruel. it causes untold psychological damage and misery.. even suicidal thoughts. there are two sides to this.

If only others were more like you. You're carrying out invaluable acts of service for your fellow man. I salute you lady!

Don't feed it, people.

thank you. are you a married guy?

Why? Are you trawling MN for another victim?

I think many women in here jump on the 'having sex but not wanting it' as meaning something sinister like r*, or abuse etc. It really doesn't have to mean that and I don't think that's what's happening here. I'd liken it to seeing your in-laws. You may not want to, you may not particularly enjoy it, but you do it willingly because it means something to your partner. You might even enjoy it when it happens, but there's no real motivation for it.

I'm in a similar boat. My partner has said from the beginning they're just not fussed about it. Orgasms happen, the enjoyment is there, but the desire to actually 'have it' just isn't.

If you were a woman, the entire forum would be telling you to divorce, life's too short, but I think you're like me. You love her, but it just hurts to be rejected every day. That's the crux of it. Maybe you've built up a life, lots of money has gone into the family, the house, the kids... but you're actually unhappy and don't want to hurt those you love. I'm there too.

I'd love to know a way out of this too!

this!!!!

I also got the feeling she is finding it a chore and has fallen in an unintentional rat.

suggest together you plan monthly sex dates and put it in calendar with whatever notice she needs.

@Ollie90 listen to this poster and none else. and how is wife's life? she works 1.5 days. has she any hobbies, interests etc etc

it doesn't hurt to look after yourself more and do more around the house and be affectionate and respectful towards her outside the bedroom. good luck.

Dull after ten years with the same man. Um no not for me in fact not for 30 years before botched prostate surgery put a complete halt to it. But we were pretty vanilla I guess compared to today's expectations. Some because of internet porn I expect.

But for some they hate it, and they don't enjoy it when it happens. That's why they are so extremely reluctant to have it and normally want it over as soon as possible.

You may not want to, you may not particularly enjoy it, but you do it willingly because it means something to your partner

As a woman the thought of a man just going along with sex even though he didn't want to and didn't particularly enjoy it is just horrible. I wouldn't want him to.

Some times it's fireworks, sometimes it's average. Making love is closeness. I think perhaps I'm lucky that I've never felt abused, reading the comments on Mumsnet sometimes.

Thank you! I think this is more what it is. When I say she doesn’t want to, it doesn’t mean it’s anything untoward or against her will and after she always said that was needed and that’s she’s orgasmed.
the last couple of days have been good and have had sex twice, I haven’t done anything different to what I normally would and she’s come to me initiating it. She even said she does love me but she just has good and bad days when she feels really stressed and loads on but it’s normally stuff that I can’t actually help with. The last few days I’ve felt noticed and not like a ghost in the house.