Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

Like I said, there are lots on MN!

I help out around the house as much as I can, my wife works 1.5days a week, we both take turns cooking as my job is hybrid so days I have to go into the office I’m normally home later, we share responsibilities with the children so it isn’t one sided.

Different people have different priorities in relationships for some sex important for other less so. Some marriages with work with lots of sex, some with very little or none, the key is about compatibility. If you have a strong need and your wife doesn't it will breed resentment in the long term so should consider seperating otherwise you'll end up in a bitter cycle of resentment - your increased frustration will lead to her feeling even less interested.

Ah sorry mate, welcome to sexless marriage. There's really nothing you can do but accept your fate. You can get upset, it'll get worse. You can spend your life improving yourself and impressing her, you won't have sex but your wife will really like the new you. Or you accept your fate and live as housemates/besties for the rest of your life.

Doesn't matter if you do more than your share at this point, she's had to make herself have sex with you to appease you and that causes resentment and contempt, she won't ever actually desire sex with you again.

I went off sex with my husband because he spoke to me like shit, treated me like a child and was controlling and arrogant. I found him physically repulsive as well.

OP do you treat your wife respectfully and as an equal?

I’ll come at this from my perspective of a wife in a similar situation.

I love my husband very much . I adore him . I fancy him , he’s the most attractive man I have ever seen . I’m in perimenopause and and have no sex drive . It takes a lot for me to be able to enjoy it , that’s not anything he does wrong at all - but it’s really depressing to want to want it but it’s just not happening . I feel like a failure .

He thinks I’m not attracted to him anymore . We used to have a great sex life and sex is his way of being close and I honestly miss it too but it’s really hard when you just don’t have that desire as much . Hand on heart I absolutely fancy the pants off him and love him so much .

What doesn’t help is when it’s all that’s spoken about - which I do understand - but , it makes you feel as though that’s all that’s important not spending time together or other ways of affection. Sometimes we will have lovely nights out and I feel really close to him but then he is talking about sex and makes it clear he wants it and that then adds pressure as I feel like if I don’t , the night won’t have been seen as good . It’s like it takes away the spontaneity. But on nights where he doesn’t , where there is affection and he makes it clear that hes enjoying the evening and even if we just go to bed and cuddle he still would have enjoyed it , those are the times it happens as its natural.

Hope this helps

It blows my mind how unhelpful and unkind some responders can be sometimes. They aren’t adding value to the conversation and just sound like berks so ignore them OP.

I would echo some of the other helpful comments, sex does change in relationships, but agree it’s an important way to stay connected.

I think you need an honest conversation about how you are feeling with her without it turning into accusations etc either way.

42 is about right for peri menopause so could be that playing a part.

Just try and discuss what the other factors are. Are you both generally affectionate etc outside of sex so building intimacy in other ways.

Regarding people talking about housework etc, again I don’t see the relevance …. Sex shouldn’t be a rewards based system for how many pants someone has washed. Of course if the dynamics of the relationship are inequitable that could be an issue in another way.

Counselling may help, or maybe just a change of routine.

This is really well articulated and captures what I think a lot of women with children go through in their marriage.

(Your ex husband sounds like a cunt - well done for getting rid.)

@Ollie90 please ask admin to transfer this post of yours to the relationship section/board.

AIBU' has gone downhill of recent years and can be a bit savage. Woman displaying the very behaviour they heavily accuse and criticise men of.. turning posts like this into a pissing contest to see who can be the cruellest/wittiest/down right nastiest etc.

Doing the housework isn't about a rewards based system, it's about giving a shit about your wife. If the OP is leaving all the household tasks and child care to his wife, she'll feel rightly resentful and exhausted. He's also having sex with her when she clearly isn't interested, which is foul. I can understand why she's disengaged.

You need to have sex to feel connected. My guess is that she needs to feel connected to have sex. If there's a lack of conversation, affection and small gestures that make a person feel safe and loved she's not going to feel desire.

Does the same resentment and contempt exist when you do something else for your wife or husband that you don't really want to do, but know makes them happy, or is it just sex for some reason?

Well then the biggest question you have to consider (which has been asked here already) is: if sex is what you need for closeness and intimacy, what does she need? Do you know, and do you provide it?

Yuck are you serious…

I really feel for you both in this situation. What women in long relationships need before they feel up to having sex is different to men. It isn't physical foreplay it is conversation, connection, laughter, feeling seen and heard. Only then do they feel that they want to have an intimate experience with their partner. If you show her lots of love in lots of ways hopefully the sex will return - or more accurately the making love which is what marital sex is at its best. Forget about sex, and find connection in twenty other ways. Leave her a note on her pillow. Buy her something from a shop you think she would love that shows you listen to her - it could be a charity shop and something tiny, it doesn't need to be a big display. Get out some old photos and have a giggle about things you did together. Cook a special meal, suggest a film you would both love.
Good luck - you sound lovely and I hope you can find each other again on all levels. Relationships are hard when there are children taking up time and energy, but they are worth fighting for.

The attitude that sex always has to be fantastic, totally equally desired by both parties and always special or otherwise it's disgusting is just weird. The pedestal some people seem to put it on betrays a fantasy view of life and relationships that's totally at odds with reality.

I am rarely in the mood for sex. Things that get me in the mood are:

Being given time to myself to relax even if just a bath
Being given an unexpected gift or bunch of flowers (just daffodils, nothing fancy)
Being complimented
Small gestures of physical affection - a hand squeeze, a quick hug
A house that is tidy without me having to tidy it
Being away from home and the kids for a night.

Have you tried any of these?

Agree. People will comment based on the assumption that you are not doing enough around the house etc. Actually I'm not that turned on by domestic guys. I will happily put up with the lawn being a bit overgrown if my H is making the effort in the bedroom. (I mean the actual lawn, not the other one!).

I’m afraid that this is just normal for most couples but it’s difficult to get anyone to admit it. Women are made to feel that there’s something wrong with them for not wanting sex but it’s just natural. Not many of us will fancy the same man for more than a few years.

The problem is that most of us have to choose between having sex that we don’t want or face being alone for the rest of our lives. It’s not the case for all of us but it is for most, especially after menopause.

Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly

Does that sound like a mutually satisfying sex life to you?

A sex life should at the very least, be mutually enjoyable and mutually desired.

What @Itgetsharder says is very wise, @Ollie90. I think that feeling loved, listened to, connected with on an emotional level, is a vital prerequisite for having sex - I know it is for me.

I think you need to have another conversation with your wife - express how you are feeling, and listen to how she is feeling, and then see if there are things you can do to improve things. You could look for other ways to connect with your wife - dh and I went through some times when I felt invisible to him unless and u til he wanted sex - I was feeling lonely and unloved, and that gave me zero interest in sex. We connect better now - talk more, spend time together - and that has helped.

@RationalityIsHard it's opinions like yours which drive me to be the best sex educator to young people possible. Of course sex should always be fun, consensual and pleasurable! I'm sorry your bar is so low.

@CharlotteLucas3 equally very sad comment. Plenty of post menopausal women have great sex lives. You don't have to 'settle'. You should never have 'sex you don't want'.