Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

The attitude that sex always has to be fantastic

No one expects it to always be fantastic, sometimes even with the best of intentions it can be a flop. A good couple can laugh this off.

totally equally desired by both parties

That is the very very basics of having sex. Because if one side doesn’t want it but feels made to carry it out anyway - that is sexual assault. I don’t think you’re comprehending how awful you’re coming off here. It’s a shocking attitude to have.

always special or otherwise it's disgusting is just weird.

It’s definitely weird to always expect world on fire sex. It’s absolutely not disgusting to not want to be used as a fuck hole for someone else’s gratification in the hopes they don’t leave you.

I don’t know that men get that when we say we’re tired etc sometimes we honestly are nearly on the floor, or ‘down there’ doesn’t feel great, or we know that the following morning/ over the night we have to jump up with the kids. Our sex life has definitely dropped but literally life has made it so that the only time I’m anyway in the mood it’s my stupid time of the month which goes on nearly a week!! I’m 44 and up before 7 every morning to have everything ready for the school run so that I can drop dh to the train then do two school runs before I get back to wfh. I am literally ready to drop by 9 but we also have teens so I stay up a while with them and then when I get into bed I have dh asking ‘why amn’t I in the mood, what’s wrong with me/ us?’ It literally makes me want to bang my head off a wall- I mean, we don’t want you to feel like you’re not enough but sometimes it’s just not a goer!!!

None/ all of this might be helpful op, just don’t assume it’s a relationship issue. It may just be life at the moment

Well clearly it's not satisfactory for either of them, so presumably it is mutual.

But my point was more to the poster who said that the wife would now only ever feel resentment and contempt, which seems quite OTT based on what we know about their relationship from this distance.

@RationalityIsHard I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who didn’t want to…that’s wrong on so many levels I don’t know where to start! Nor would I want to have sex with someone who was doing it out of duty, pity or otherwise. That’s awful!

I could of wrote this myself, hes 40 and I'm 34. We're verging on separating...I'm not ready for a sexless life.

Conensual definitely. And I'm sorry you are so condescending.

Yes

@vodkaredbullgirl And what is this need?

If she gets bored after a while you could suggest open up your marriage, see if she’ll up for a threesome.

obv talk to her, listen to her, show unprompted affection.

And if he posted on a male dominated forum he may get a different response. If the OP and other men don't like the advice women are giving then they are at full liberty to turn to other men for support.

There is a long way between an equality of desire to not wanting it at all and sexual assault. Please don't try and put words in my mouth and then use that to make a point that bears no resemblance to what I'm saying.

Nope, not what I'm saying either. Sigh.

Oh wow, the internalised misogyny on here is strong.

Personally, I'm a little sceptical about how many threads have been started by men in the past couple of weeks, without any apparent awareness that this is predominantly a board for women. They're usually around sex, too. I'm just picturing a group online elsewhere laughing at us all for falling for it and giving them the reactions they want.

Having said that, I'll give the benefit of the doubt and respond in good faith just in case. I can understand it's a difficult situation and it must be a blow to the self esteem. It's hard to see though why you haven't spoken to your wife more about the reasons - all you've said here is that she's told you it's not because she doesn't find you attractive. It sounds like communication might be an issue. Do you make much time for just the two of you? If you haven't recently, I would try having a proper date night. Go somewhere nice and have a proper conversation - making sure you're listening to her feelings and needs and not just focused on getting your own answers.

Are you a man? 'Help' indeed!

I kind of disagree with this. I love sex and especially love it with DP of many years. Plus I am post menopausal and we still have a very active sex life

We are talking in the context of the op, whose wife demonstrably doesn’t want it. And instead of having a conversation, the op has come to Mumsnet seemingly hoping that we are all mind readers as to why. Regardless, ‘equality of desire’ is an empty phrase - you either want sex or you don’t. It’s not like asking your partner if they fancy a cheeky maccys ‘ooh I’m not sure I fancy it, you order some and I’ll have a couple of nuggets’. It’s as simple as both or neither.

You have yet to answer what you think your wife needs to feel close to you since it is obvious not sex.

If you do not know, that is a problem.

You're not 'helping out' - it's your house just as much as hers.

I think your relationship outside of sex is hugely important and I agree with everything written here. And when you do all of the above, it has to be genuinely to improve your relationship, and your communication, not with the sole aim of getting in to bed.

But also, in a long term relationship, the quality of the sex has to be good too and what constitutes "good" for women is sometimes not the same for men. I am not saying that this is the case necessarily in your situation op but it's worth considering.

One of my ex bf's thought he was an excellent in the bedroom because he had a lot of stamina, and without going in to a lot of detail, he thought he knew what I liked but he didn't really ask and he guessed wrong. It wasn't that he didn't put effort in, but he didn't put effort in in the right way and didn't really listen.

And ultimately, if you have sex over and over and don't get pleasure from it, and you have hinted, guided, tried to explain, and they don't understand or try to listen, you don't want to do it anymore.

Also, some women have problems explaining what they want and fake orgasm which also is ultimately disastrous for your sex life because it results in the scenario above. Many younger women, or unconfident women, have this problem.

Final suggestion: is your wife stressed about anything? Is she feeling depressed for any reason? Does she have time to herself to look after herself and exercise? Does she feel confident in herself? Sexual attraction can be as much about how you feel in yourself, as it is about how you view the other person. Is she feeling down and unconfident?

I understand division of labour etc equitably in a relationship however I don’t believe it is a good idea to equate that to sex.

Would you want your partner to only have sex with you if you made him X amounts of coffees a day and did X amounts of chores? … I think not.

Caring about someone is ensuring you have an appropriate amount of affection, consideration and intimacy whether that’s through physical or emotional connection, good communication etc.

If she isn’t interested in sex at all then she should be saying definitely not. It’s not okay to accuse OP of being foul when he is having sex with his wife who is consenting.
Super immature comment.

In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year.

Were those relationships happy and mostly healthy when she went off sex? What about with you?

Or were there other problems? It's very normal for attraction to die in relationships if there are problems.

If the relationships were good then this could be just how she is in relationships once they become long term, that's very unlikely to change.

For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

Unfortunately I don't think it will be possible for you to get what you want in this relationship. Would she be open to seeing a sex therapist? or perhaps a couples therapist who might be able to help her enjoy intimacy with you again?
There's no guarantee that either of them will help though.

Talk it over, 'have it out', get to the root cause, and repeatedly try to find a solution.

If DW is uninterested in finding a solution, whatever that may be, you're free to see another woman discretely.

When I was young, plenty of women would play around behind their (older) husband's back. If asked why, they'd say he's not interested in sex.

I have very clearly said that it's not about having a points based system, it's about doing your fair share and showing respect. It's about treating your partner as an equal and not some skivvy, there to service your needs. After ten years, resentment builds.

I tell you what's 'super immature ' is a lack of understanding of coerced sex in a relationship. Sometimes people don't want sex but submit to it for an easy life because it's easier to give in than put up with constant nagging, pestering and sulking. The OPs description of his sex life sounds as though it's something his wife is tolerating, that she takes no pleasure in and wants to get over with as quickly as possible.

Have I missed the bit about how old the kids are? My money is on her just feeling exhausted and that life is a never ending round of meeting other people's needs. Give her time and space and talk. Ask her questions about HER rather than trying to solve how she is feeling or making it about you.

Again missing the point about doing your equal share in the home and seeing sex as ‘transactional’. If (and it may not be in this case, we’ll never truly know) all household admin and chores are left to the woman (and yes, that includes having to point out or make lists for her partner in order for him to see anything that needs doing), most of her energy is going towards making day to day life functional not only for herself but for everyone. And since stress is a huge factor in turning off sex drives, mixed in with resentment of your adult partner not actually being a partner and sharing this stress load - of course sex is going to be affected. It’s really not that hard to connect the dots is it.

Yes, this.
From another bucket, I'm 45, husband is three decades older, very healthy.
I have never been that much into sex and basically stopped about five years ago.
After talking about this, we decided our 20+ years marriage is more important.
I have fantastic freedom from sex, which repulsed me since teenage years, husband is, as he says, very happy.
No kids between the two of us.