MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

Tell dh she had her own dc. And now you have yours.... Tell him he can buy her a doll if he wants to. I fucking hate such family....

No, that doesn't work for me.

I think you're absolutely right to stand your ground.
DH doesn't get a say as he's not around.
Having to facilitate 2x 2hr journeys every week is ridiculous. And not great for your baby either.

You are absolutely not wrong. MIL is being completely unreasonable! It's your baby and your day off is special time for you and baby. She is not entitled to look after baby every week. I think you've been very kind to offer her having baby once a month.

You have a DH problem. He’s not on your side. Mil is being ridiculous. It’s your baby, your rules.

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone.

Your silence is the best response possible. Your partner and your mother-in-law are both totally ridiculous.

Tell him he can juggle his job to get his own day off and he can share it with dc and his dm.

Doesn't your boyfriend's mother want to see your older children too or is just the baby?

Just simply stick to your guns about this. You are entitled to spend this time with your baby without interference from anyone at all. It's good for both you and your baby.

Absolutely selfish women she is and dh is backing her up. I can see why it’s on the rocks

You’re definitely not wrong, but does she get to see the baby much on the whole? Does your husband take the baby to see her of a weekend or make plans with his mum?

Even if she had a different day off and it was something you might consider (which I am in no way saying you should) how doesshe think the 2 hour each way travel would work?!

Your DP and his mother are bonkers.

Ignore their silly request and indeed withdraw the one day a month. Suggest she comes to visit on days when DP is around. I bet he soon goes off that idea fairly quickly.

If it is raised again just say I assume we had knocked this daft and impractical idea on the head.

My older children are from my previous marriage. I share 50/50 with their Dad (works well and get along with him well), but this also means that my baby has limited time with her siblings too. So my days off when we are all together are even more precious.

tldr
I wouldn’t get hung up on “winning” I’d focus on getting the outcome that works best for you irrespective of it also benefiting her

I’m in the that doesn’t work for me camp…

BUT you could make an offer that works for you that if she declines puts you in the position of have tried and if she accepts makes your life easier

so…
“Fridays don’t work but if you are welcome to come to ours at 9am Saturday and play with baby while I take Jack and Tilly to gymnastics. You can play with baby until lunch we can eat and then when baby goes down you can enjoy the rest of your Saturday (ie get out of my house)

or some variation.
this makes her do the travel as she should and gives you some quality time with alll the kids

.

How is it best FOR THE BABY to lose its one whole day with you? Your mother in law is being ridiculous and your life is not being set up to facilitate a possible break up FFS! What a pair of arseholes. Stop driving to save her time. Prioritise your time with the children.

As you have found, it doesn’t matter how much you bend over backwards to accommodate people like this, you will only avoid falling out if you do everything they want. You need to be less nice and accept she’s unreasonable and therefore likely to fall out with you. It’s a shame DP doesn’t take a tougher line but he’s probably had a lifetime of being conditioned to fall into line with her.

Ok, so it is even more important you say no and as PP said withdraw the one day a month. IMO you are doing too much to facilitate this. You only get one chance at this time, it's important.

It's YOUR baby, end of. Awful behaviour from mil and dh

She needs to change her day off if she actually wants to help. Otherwise taking time away from you and your baby.

She's being ridiculous. She's not even close to you - 2 hours away!

Why is it on you to work your schedule out around mil? If she’s that desperate can’t she work hers around you, get a different day off and commit to a diff day a week, saving you nursery costs (if she is reliable) though not sure how the 2hour drive each way each week would be practical?!

its also not great that your partner is backing her not you and can’t see how unreasonable a request this is for you.

you are not being unreasonable, you do what’s best for you, can’t stand it when other people put their problems on you and expect that you will bend over backwards to suit them to the detriment of your own wishes (you in the general sense 😊)

Of course you can be selfish with your own baby; it's your own baby!

Stand your ground. They are nuts.

Your boyfriend is free to change his working hours to accommodate his mother. But his main priority should be doing some actual parenting and partnering for a change.

Leave contact with your boyfriends mother for him to deal with.

Posts like this give me the rage.
Tell mil to do one and tell dh he can facilitate MIL seeing baby on his days off. With MIL doing the travel. Fucking ridiculous to drag a baby on an unnecessary 2 hour journey (4 hours in a day?! They aren't even meant to be in their car seat that long). Just no. Shut it down.

Tell her to get a grip.

I’m a granny to a 6mth old who we live 3hrs away from. There is no way on this earth that I would expect my DDIL to give up a day with him so that I can have him, every week. How utterly ridiculous. I’ve brought my children up, one is now a dad, hence why I’m a granny, it’s their turn now.

Your DP should be supporting you on this. Stand firm on it and keep saying “no, it doesn’t work for me.” Besides it’s not fair to make the baby sit in the car for 4 hours every week.

See I do try and involve her as much as possible, I think I try and be reasonable.

I've got some training days coming up and need to work extra. I've got friends/family closer who could have my LO but I gave MIL first refusal to have LO those days as I know she's desperate to have her.

It doesn't really help me as such as I've got help closer and it's a logistical nightmare with the distance!

I now feel on edge and feel like pulling these days but I don't want to cause a rift.

Do not change the days. It’s your baby, not her.