MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

Don’t apologise .. it’s really not confusing. She is your mil 🤷‍♀️

Just say no. N.o. No one has to appease her, it's insane to consider it

Child and grandchildren are not property.

If it doesn't practically work for you or shes interferring, then no you are not being 'selfish' because you don't possess your child.

She's revealling how she sees your child

She has also been buying baby things for her house and telling me about it, like a highchair and travel cot. She said she'd like to have LO overnight.

I've been very polite and just said oh yes that would be nice in future when she's bigger.

I'm still breastfeeding too (I pump at work which is exhausting).

It's not that I don't want them to watch LO at all.

A "normal" grandparent relationship to me which is the one that I had growing up and that most people I know seem to have is, not the grandparents having the baby for "alone time" every week and sleepovers.

The grandparents occasionally babysit, maybe the odd overnight (might be nice in future for DP and I)! Other than that it's family visits, like we take her to visit them or they come here, is that not normal?

Because I usually meet them halfway, my LO has only been to their house a few times!

This is dreadful behaviour from your MIL. I have 5 grandchildren and as a MIL myself would never behave like this.
She's ruining her relationship with you. Hold strong on your boundaries, don't be undermined, your child your rules. Be thankful she's 2 hours away, could be worse if she's was close by.

We also considered grandparents helping with childcare in place of nursery. How we would cope when they were on holiday or ill was why we didn't do it.

Someone above suggested the baby misses nursery sometimes to take the baby out for the day. That might be an option. But I would look at weekends. Baby has a right to get to know her grandparents so it's just going to be a way of finding a good solution for all. If DP won't help make weekends work then it sounds like he doesn't want to see his parents...

Agree with PP that you should stand your ground, they are being ridiculous and trying to make your life more difficult, not easier. Your baby is yours!

My baby does know her grandparents. As I said weekends are busy for us with other children, but I see the ILs with baby/children once every couple of weeks for either the day/afternoon.

They don't need weekly alone time to know her.

What is it with MILs and alone time. It drives me up the wall.

Fuck me, you do all the work and your husband and MIL want to make your life harder.

I didn't say she didn't know her grandparents - please don't take that from the message I sent.

Yes you said weekends are busy for you with other children - that could be why it is a good time for them to see the baby. At your house.

My first thought on reading the OP was that you are allowed to be ‘selfish’ with your own child.

Is that the word she used, or is that how your partner phrased it? Because it’s very insulting. Insinuating that you want the baby with you for your own sake rather than because that’s what is best for a young baby.

You’re not under any obligation to share your baby. We either visited our grandparents or they visited us, and enjoyed wonderful relationships. Can count on one hand the number of times we slept over. I don’t understand the obsession with having alone time with other people’s baby.

Your post just sums it up. These familie exactly that. these mils and their loser sons.

My mum and MIL both had high chairs etc at their houses, MIL also had a cot, but not for "alone time", just to make it easier for us when we were visiting as a family so we didn't have to pack so much baby paraphernalia every time we went to stay at hers! Any chance she would be appeased if you all went to hers for the occasional stay? Might be easier than doing 4 hours travelling in one day, though I get the feeling your DP may not be up for this where he is leaving it to you to facilitate her relationship with the little one

‘I’m sorry, but I really do want this time with my baby.’
And repeat ad infinitum.

I really feel for you, it’s stressful!

Does she make such inflammatory comments directly to you or is it just her son passing them on? I ask because sometimes we do have a moan about other people expecting the person we are confiding in to be more diplomatic when they go off and speak to the other person. She may not realise he is passing on her comments, verbatim and honestly he’s pouring petrol on a fire, saying things like that to you regardless of whether she said it or not, all it’s gonna do is damage your relationship with her and stress you out.

There’s a really good book by Terri apter called what do you want from me, it explains why daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationships get so fraught when babies come along and loads of practical advice on dealing with it. It all comes from anxiety, you are understandably anxious about the intrusive and hostile messages you’re getting, she will be anxious about mortality, loss of status, not being able to access the grandchild aside from through you, and he will be anxious about being stuck in the middle and not being the main ‘gatekeeper’ of the child. Everyone gets a knickers in a twist and it does cause a lot of problems.

If you did split up, it would be up to your partner what he did with your child during his time, so there is some truth in that, it’s a dreadful thing to be saying to you right now and again, just really inflammatory and unhelpful.

I think you are being absolutely reasonable in your actions and I think you will be able to stand your ground and do a fair bit soothe the situation (just being pragmatic) which would be a win-win. Being able to understand what making other people behave so badly and having strategies to deal with it will help your mental health, and that’s actually the most important thing here according to an excellent health visitor I had once - happy mummy, happy family.

She can change her days if it's that important to her. Refuse to cooperate. Back off from her and stop making so much effort.

@cj2796 I don't understand. She expects you to drive to her house for 2 hours and sit around all day in the car whilst she is with baby, and then you go home? In time to pick the other two up from school? I can't see how that is even practical

As far as I’m aware, grandparents don’t have any rights in law so your mil wouldn’t be able to demand any visitation rights if you and your partner split up.

So baby is in car seat for ? 4 hours between 11 and 6pm if she takes them home

She can come over at the weekend and spend time with dh and baby

She can sod off. Clearly has no idea about how difficult your logistics already are. I'd be giving her a wide berth and leaving your DH to deal with her moaning.

It's quite simple, your baby, you get to call the shots.

To be honest, you have already told her no and explained why it doesn’t work for you. I don’t understand why you offered her one of those days a month. I would rescind that.

You don’t have to explain any further or keep talking about it. I would be taking a huge step back from her.

With regards to your concerns about what would happen if you split, MIL would need to liaise with her DS and see the baby during his access time.

In order to be entitled to her own access, she would have to have had far more of a parental role. Another reason to limit contact.

It is insane that you are giving this nonsense any headspace at all. Anyone who accuses you of being "selfish" with your own baby should be completely disregarded, and even taking the baby to this batshit woman just once a month is totally unreasonable. A four hour round trip? I don't think so. Your useless partner can do that if it's so important to him, which by the way, it's not.

Get off the crazy train, op. You even entertaining any of this is making you a doormat.

It's interesting how different the advice is in this thread compared to another current one where the mother is being told she should have shared her baby more.

OP, I don't think you should have offered her one of your days with baby a month. The best compromise seems, to me, to be that MIL changes her work days to one where your baby is in nursery, has baby that day, but you both still pay for the nursery place so that if MIL isn't available your baby can go. This way you can still hold her place too.

Edited to add - you don't have to compromise at all if it doesn't work for you btw. MIL lives a long way away which is going to make it difficult. If she has any day, she should come to you. That's a long time for a baby to be in a car. MIL has had her turn to raise her child, now you make decisions for your own child and the parenting approach you choose.