MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

Honestly, drop the rope. Don’t give this any more head space.

It isn’t happening.

I think she thinks she will drive up here, collect baby, drive back to her house, and then bring her back. So in theory if she was to have baby on my day off... she's offering to do all the driving.

that’s bonkers, she’s going to do 8 hours driving a day? And the baby would need to spend 4 hours a day in the car? Why would your husband think that is remotely acceptable?

ask him if you did rearrange and it fell through could he step in and take a day off because if not he needs to step back

Maybe because nursery don’t want you to break up for a start?

and they’re trained… and it’s social.. and they have adequate care provision… and they are presumably not two fucking hours away?

Well she's a bloody nightmare isn't she?! Honestly ignore it & her. Just don't discuss it. That would be a 4 hour round trip for your baby just for one day! Crazy!

Your nursery isn't two hours away. You don't give her to the nursery on your special day, that's your time together. MIL can organise to be 'given' your child to care for one day a week on one of the other days in your home (no crazy car journey). If that's not acceptable to her, she's the one who is selfish. She's had her turn to parent and now she wants to take away the one day you get with your own child.

Nusery is to fill the gap when you are working. When you are not working you want to spend all your time with your baby. It's really simple.

She's already planned your post divorce access to your own child. Wow. What a luxury sized bitch.
Man oh man, kick her with a steel toe boot to the furthest side of Fuck Off, with a kind smile. Honestly, let her radio silence to your offers go ignored and don't give her options. She sees her grandchildren on your terms, always. If she wants to hang out with babies all day, tell her to meet her son, your 'D'H, for tea.

This is about managing your life and parenting your children and raising your family on your terms and on your watch. Accommodating her needs doesn't even come into the picture because, fun fact, she has no needs, none, nada, zip, zilch. Her grandchildren are a bonus in her life, not possessions to squabble over. Stand your ground, OP. As a poster mentioned above, if she really wanted to see your baby/children, she'd accept any offer she could. This is about control... and just being a dick really.💐

I really do get where you are coming from OP but a baby is not something to negotiate over or to use to "appease" anybody. First consideration is always what is best for baby and then what is best for mum. It sounds to me that MIL is neither of those things.

Does your DH have form for not supporting you ? Because that’s what’s happening here. You MiL is completely unreasonable. You’ve offered a compromise and instead of making contact she’s pouting and complaining to her son. You’ve moved your days around to spend more time with the baby and you’ve offered a compromise which takes into account the travelling time. The next step is up to MiL. And I would be telling her that in the event of you and DH splitting up, you wouldn’t be the one to have to get used to anything - grandparents have no automatic right of access. Let her chew on that for a while.

I think the issue is that if OP dropped another day at nursery she would lose the place altogether.

this is nonsensical. From the sounds of things, you have no problems with your MIL looking after your baby. The issue is that she wants to look after you rbaby at a time that is not convenient for you.

As per my earlier post, I think you should suggest that she takes one of the nursery days, even if you keep paying for it. But it needs to be in a way that doesn't involve 4 hours of driving for your baby.

This. Sorry

Congratulations on your baby.

In this situation I would just not reply any more. She's not going to be reasonable about this, you've said no, that's it. Nothing to gain from continuing the conversation.

If DP brings it up again, just say "you're not listening - this doesn't work for me and won't be happening. Feel free to drop a day of work yourself and let her have baby on those days if you feel so strongly about it. Baby's best place is with their parents and I won't make baby lose a day with me just to please your mother.".

She can still pay for the day to keep the place. It doesn't sound like MIL would be that reliable anyway, so a back up would be needed. Yes, it's a shame to pay for the nursery day and not use it, but it might be a means to an end.

Don't offer her 1 day a month on your only day with the baby. If MIL wants a day, she can change her day to a day you are working and she would need to do the travelling, as anything else would be a massive inconvenience during the busy working week.

Far easier for MiL to change her day, rather than needing mess a round with a recently agreed flexible working arrangement and nursery place.

Alternatively, your DP can accommodate something else on one of your working days. Your DP is being really unreasonable @cj2796

Stick to your guns OP, it is likely your MIL has got into your DP’s ear and if he’s working away all the time he’ll be clueless as to all the work you do when he’s not there and how it would impact you.

She is absolutely offering to do it as she wants time with the baby. Also, how actually good is it for a baby to be stuck in a car 4 hours a week when it’s not necessary?

I condensed to 4 days for the exact reason you have done. It is hard working practically full time and being a mum. And they are little for such a short space of time. it is completely understandable you would want as much time as possible with them.

What I can’t get over is that she’s upset enough over your decision to get your DP involved. She is massively overstepping. Yeah if you split up with DP you would likely have to split time with your LO between the two of you, but it would be up to him to sort time with his parents when he has his time. It is ridiculous that she has felt the need to say well if you split up you’d have to get used to it! What a fucking cheek.

I think it was lovely to offer MIL to have LO once a month. She’s being very unreasonable saying no and asking for every week.

If you’re going to respond I would try to keep any emotions out and just keep it very basic. Eg thank you for offering but I have compressed my hours so I can spend as much time as possible with LO. (If you’re still okay with once a month although I think O’d tell her to do one) The offer to have LO once a month is still there. Let me know what you want to do so I can make arrangements.

Best of luck OP!

She wants to spend 4 hours a day with a baby in the car?
Forget how this doesn't help you, how is it any good for your baby??? How does it deliver the quality time MIL wants? I thought she was at least proposing to drive to yours and hang out there for the day. This is madness and purely to do with her personal sense of "winning", since she can't actually be getting what she wants from it if she's spending the majority of the day driving. Your partner needs to put his foot down. If he won't do it for you he must rationally see that it would be shit for your baby.

And don't you find that the ones who holler "You're selfish" the loudest are the very definition of selfish themselves? Carting a baby around in a car for hours on end... what a great bonding experience! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, there's a breed of MIL that you don't realise you have until you're in this situation. Poor you, OP. What a headache. But that's all she ever needs to be, a low grade headache in the background. Call the shots, step on toes, and fuck your DH if he doesn't support you on this one. Sorry but I am fed up to the gills of men appeasing their pathologically controlling mothers; it's control by proxy. It is the epitome of dysfunction. For your children's sake, stand tall, and break your DH's terrible pattern for him. Do that for yourself, above all. 💐

I think that would be a good compromise if it shuts MiL up !!

Stand your ground this woman is crazy. I am a nanny and would not dream of suggesting such a batship idea. My role is to fit in with the young family and to help out when I can.

What nonsense is this? Who don’t one of you change your day off then your MIL could save you some childcare fees, assuming she is reliable.

Op you have tried to be reasonably diplomatic about this and it's fallen on the deaf ears.
Now is time to say to dp. Enough.

Draw your line in the sand.

Enough, I've fully explained everything and I'm not saying any more it's not happening.

Secondly your mil has zero interest in "helping you" I hate this faux help.
. However you can use it agaisnt her " thanks but it's going to make my life worse." it's not happening and refuse to talk about it further.

And have a baby two hours in a car journey one way there and one way back with granny!! No! How selfish is that.

Just ignore her , stop facilitating visits and leave it to your partner .