MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

I think she thinks she will drive up here, collect baby, drive back to her house, and then bring her back. So in theory if she was to have baby on my day off... she's offering to do all the driving.

I've made clear regardless this isn't viable as my day off is so I can spend time with my LO.

I've explained to her that I work long hours (I do), I also have an hour commute to work so my baby has long days in nursery. Then it's home and time for bed. That day off is going to be so precious to me.

I suspect my MIL long term goal would be to collect my baby the evening before and have her overnight. So she isn't doing all that driving in the one day.

Her thought process I believe is that if DP and I weren't together I would be having to "give up" baby to DP for overnights etc. so why can't she have them now?

I hope that makes sense?

^"DP, you really don't get it, do you?

It was a joint decision for me to drop to 4 days working so I had chance to spend quality time with baby, do some chores at home, be on hand for school drop offs and pick ups.

Now you want me to be rushing around and baby spending hours in a car seat for your mums benefit. How is that helpful to me or baby?

If mum wants to spend more time with baby, she's welcome to visit us at the weekend as long as it works around our other commitments. And I've already offered her one day a month (Op - you were crazy to do this!).

I'll leave it with you to convince your mum that what shes suggesting doesn't work for us as a family."^

As far as your MIL goes, don't say anything. As a previous poster said, your silence on the matter tells her what she needs to know. This isn't a negotiation.

I offered her one day a month as I was trying to be nice, appease everyone and no cause a falling out.

I will definitely not be going ahead with that now, based on the advice here. Thank you all.

Yeah she needs to fuck off.

You have said no. Just stick to your guns and refuse to discuss further. I wouldn’t be allowing one day a month either.

Didn't you see this?

try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

Your MIL sounds nuts. The fact that she is expecting you to travel for four hours on your day off so she can spend time with your baby is unbelievable. Suggest she travels to your house and she can spend some time with your baby while you rest. I bet she does it a couple of times and then you will hear no more.

Literally no one was confused by this, no need to apologise

She doesn't want to help you. She wants to have a day having baby to herself.

That's an insane amount of car time for your child. That alone would make it a no for me except maybe occasionally when they are much older.

Putting aside everything else, I wouldn't want my baby traveling for 4 hours in a car on any day. Its a crappy experience for them. They're also going to fall asleep on the way home to you and you'll most likely have a nightmare getting them to bed.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. She is being ridiculous.

"I understand that you love the baby too, which is lovely, but I don’t get much time with the baby and as a mother yourself I’m sure you’ll understand that I don’t want to lose what time I do have. I’m sure that when DH was a baby you wanted to spend time with him, and wouldn't have wanted to let someone else have that precious time instead.

It might have worked for you to have her a different day, though the travelling time makes it very difficult, but unfortunately we can’t do that because I’ve signed a contract with the nursery and we would probably lose the place."

Personally I think even the one Friday in four offer is very generous to her. It’s your baby, not hers, and she has no right at all to say that you are being selfish.

But you need to say all this to your DH too, and get him on your side.

Don't worry now about what would happen if you split up - but I would imagine that if you did, it might be better for you if there wasn’t already an established pattern of MIL having the baby for a day very frequently e.g. every week.

I've tried to tactfully explain this to my DP, the reasons why it wouldn't actually be helping me. It would be creating more work/stress with the logistics and the potential for it being an unreliable arrangement.

I've made arrangements already with my hours and nursery which are reliable and work for me. I can get to work without worry/stress.

It does seem to be more about my MIL just wanting to have my baby like a little plaything rather than actually "helping" me... as it doesn't.

Grandparents don’t need alone time with the grandkids to make a bond, SOME just happen to be used for childcare where this happens. So you're not abnormal at all and logically they can’t be consistent or reliable childcare and you’re also completely valid in wanting time with her which you’ve arranged work/ nursery around.

Your partner doesn’t sound particularly supportive in this and I would completely draw the line at the veiled threats of you splitting up. If you did split up and he chose to use her for HIS childcare then fine, but you’d never be obligated to “get used” to not having your child whenever MIL demanded. Would I want my child in the sole care of someone who obviously disliked me so much as to hint about my separation from their son… no, frankly. She sounds pretty vile.

Unless partner wants dear mummy’s wish to come true quite swiftly then maybe tell him to actually support you and the compromises you’ve already given her and put his big boy pants on with his overbearing mother whilst you do the lions share of bringing up his child. Maybe he can drop pay and take time off to run the child 2 hours every week to her?

If she was that desperate for time with the baby, then she would have taken the 1 day a month you offered.

After thinking about it, I'd definitely not offer any more time other than them you go and see her with your partner. I wouldn't even go without him, unless she comes to you to see the baby.

What is all this about grandparents bonding? It's ridiculous. They'd like a relationship and it's good for both sides, but no "bonding " needed. Mothers need to bond! It's a specific term .

Just ignore the thick woman. Let MIL rearrange her days if she wants to and she can come up and sit until your house once a week if she wants.

Some people actually like spending time with their children.

I’d just be civil and polite. Of course YANBU. Just let her get on with it! She’ll get over it. Congratulations on your baby! X

Errr no. You don’t change anything. MIL can love her grandchild without having to own her for a day a week.
You work, you do a huge % of the family load, you just carry on doing what works for you. 4 hours travel once a week on your day off is ridiculous.
I think a grandparents role is to help and support where and when they’re asked to. And I’m granny to 3.

Yanbu she sounds too much!
Why should you swap your days to accommodate her. It's your baby not hers.
I'd tactfully say no thank you it's my day off to spend with baby but thanks for asking.

Firm no from me. She is your baby and MIL can fuck off.

I would be livid that your DH is entertaining this rather than backing you with MIL.

Here is the compromise I would suggest:

YOu continue to pay for the nursery days you already pay for (4).
If your MIL would like to come down and have the baby on one of those days a week on a regular or ad hoc basis, that's fine (yes, you lose out but you were paying anyway and this way you have the reliable and guaranteed childcare you need).
On the days she comes down, while baby is still small, I would not be suggesting that she then travel for 2 hours back to hers. She should have the baby at your house/your area.
If you can stand it, you could agree that she stays overnight so that she doesn't have to do the drive back when it's late.

Because giving up YOUR time, or ridiculous long journeys for the baby are both crazy. And overrnights are NOT an option at this point.

Perhaps return her 'you are selfish' (with your own baby that you brought into the world AND navigating being a mum returning to work and all the emotions that go with leaving your child for long periods of time for the first time) with "that's really creepy"

When you and your partner talk about it again just state how creepy it is for a woman to want to detach a baby from their mum and demand rights over a child that they are not the parent of.

According to DP, she has also said that I give my DC to nursery so why would I not give DC to her?!?

Enjoy your time with your baby, it's precious. She had her moment. MIL's that are obsessed with having 'alone time' with their grandchildren need to wind it back in. They either want to spend time with their grandchildren or not, they cannot dictate the circumstances.

If you do split with your partner then your MIL can see the baby on his time, not yours.

I hope she’s travelling to you, no way would I drive 4 hours and go to work, just to appease this ridiculous woman.
Another vote for your partner to sort out contact on one of his days. But to be honest I don’t think I’d care if saying no meant falling out. She hardly lives round the corner so you would never have to see her anyway. Job done.