MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

It's understandable you would feel like that, she hasn't reassured you in any way that she will respect your wishes & boundaries. I've only just started leaving her again now (age 6) along with my younger DD as I just couldn't trust her after that incident that she would inform me of a problem. The ILs very much wanted alone time, I think I felt pressured into it but in fairness my DH never asked after that incident.

Just because your close friend thinks you'd be petty, doesn't mean you actually are being petty.

You made the offer for MIL to babysit but since then, has become more unreasonable. If you do not feel uncomfortable with MIL babysitting, then cancel. Lie if you need to - my training day was cancelled, I no longer require you to babysit.

If you do feel comfortable with MIL babysitting at your home (not at MIL's home since it is too far away), then fine, but don't feel like you have to facilitate this. You do not. You are baby's mother. If you are uncomfortable, cancel.

It is not you. You are not being "selfish" - in fact you are being extremely reasonable. Your MIL is being totally unreasonable - the amount of baby stuff she has bought to have in her house proves that. She has some idealised, totally unrealistic vision in her mind of what she wants the future to be like. My daughter would be furious with me if I behaved like that (and you are not even MIL's daughter.)

"Dear MIL
Once again, I would like to say how much DH and I appreciate your offers of help with DD. I will definitely let you know if it would be a help to us for you to ever look after her, just as we have already arranged for (date). We will do our best to arrange regular visits from you, perhaps monthly, so you can share our pleasure in DD.

However, I have to tell you that your continual pushing on this subject is making me very unhappy. I am sure you remember how you as a mother wanted regular time alone with your baby. Well, that is how I feel. I love my days with my baby and am not going to give them up. DH and I have organised our lives and DD's nursery attendance to produce the arrangements we want. We are happy with our current arrangements and do not intend to change them, so please let the subject drop, or I am afraid it will interfere with the good relationship you and I have enjoyed so far."

I don't think you will be petty to cancel.
You are feeling ganged up upon.
I would ask your mum and get some advice.
Your partner does not have your back in this matter, so keep your thoughts/ plans to yourself.
Stop replying to his mother.
Stop engaging with him.

YOU who has been parenting ALONE, has reduced your hours at cost to YOU, to do what's best for your child.
You are a great mum doing her best.
This man is not good.
Protect yourself.

How dare he think that your child that YOU alone parent, can be a dolly gift to his mother.
He's a CF.

Cancel, it’s not petty. You know best and they have absolutely undermined your trust to care for her. She has an agenda to keep dd more, will say things like she loves being here, she was so much happier than usual, she wants to come to grandmas every week……you trust whoever you like to look after dd, it’s your choice. Mil has pushed and pushed and pushed you over the edge

Nonsense. She is going to nursery. What will give DD confidence is being with her mother with undivided attention. Tell MiL to go jump in the lake, metaphorically speaking. She's at best being daft, at worst trying to cause problems between you and DP.

I think I would just stop replying to her messages at this point. And if DH keeps going on at you, tell him he's too enmeshed with his mother and he needs to back off.

I would seek legal advice. Find out what custody and visitation will look like and also what you need to do to make it as favorable as possible for you. A legal professional can advise you if grandparent visitation is a thing in your area and what you need to do to prevent her from getting it. I would also only have contact with MIL that was legally advised.

Document what visits you’ve offered and MIL’s response. If you aren’t ready for the fight cancelling next week’s babysitting will cause, just leave it. Make other arrangements for the future. I would stop offering MIL any alone time and periodically invite her to visit as a family.

If possible, get your husband to marriage counseling. It seems like he is used to giving his mum what she wants. He needs to learn that he is supposed to primarily be a husband and father. Parenting decisions need to be made with you, not his mom. If he can learn to do this, you may can salvage your marriage.

Years ago I read a thread on babycenter.com by a poster called LibraryMouse, or something like that. She went through a grandparents visitation case with her parents in the UK. If you can find it, it might be worth a read.

It's great you have a friend to advise you, but go with your gut. You can make up any bullshit excuse you want to - training is cancelled, you got the date wrong, anything. Don't worry about looking petty. She is offering to help (so she says) and now you don't need her help and you'll see her with DP next time you all meet up.

Stay strong. You're a good mum and quite capable of making your own decisions. You have 2 older children and a little DD, you work and you have your own family (including DP) and friends. If any of your friends or family tried to pressurise you in the way that MIL is trying to do you'd tell them to do one (or similar).

You're an adult and you are quite capable of doing whatever you want when you want. There are at least 5 people who come first before anyone else and you all live in the same house.

MIL clearly has issues around entitlement, boundaries, disrespect, privacy to name but a few and is probably used to getting her own way - well time to learn some manners for a start 'hun', we modern mums don't like bullies so back off and sort yourself out ffs.

Agreed.

If it was just that she's desperate to see the baby, that's completely understandable and could be accommodatedd. But she is increasingly territorial, campaigning against you and successfully trying to control you via DH. Which is actively interfering in your marriage. She's not trustworthy.

In addition, her comments about how she would have the baby if you split up with DH and so you had better get used to it, are absolutely appalling. She has openly declared it, never mind whether that is the best thing for her own son and granddaughter. Its disgraceful. Visit her only with DH in the room.

I don't think that any conciliatory gestures towards her will make a difference to her mindset. She won't even regard it or appreciate you are making the effort because she doesn't just want to look after the baby and spend time with her. She wants to bring her up as her own. I think the gloves are off and you don't have to worry so much about being nice because it won't make a difference with a character like this. All you can do is stand your ground - with both of them.

Ignore all the competitive baby gear purchasing displays, its her way of demonstrating to all that she is much better placed to care for your child . Its also there to make you and or DH feel guilty that she's bought all this and now you are "preventing" her from using them. Don't feel guilty, the focus on material things couldn't be more off.

No need to declare all this though - you've already seen that giving information, reasons or justifications will be brushed aside or thrown back at you. You just have to keep saying in the MN phase "That doesn't work for me" Plan ahead so that you are clear on what works for you in various situations and you have put them in the diary and stick to them. Talk to your family and get their support.

I also think that you should cancel the babysitting, giving any excuse, if you can. But If you can't, get through it and emphasise to Dh that she was allowed to babysit, but avoid doing it again.

Marriage counselling definitely, you have someone actively trying to break you up for their own advantage. I'm so sorry that you got dragged into this stressful situation, when you should be free to focus on enjoying your baby, and having to consider marriage counselling because of someone who very much needs therapy herself.

I may have missed it but how old is your baby? If you're breastfeeding I'm guessing relatively young even if pumping at work. I would honestly not overthink it but say thank you for the offer of help and ignore and keep to your schedule. If you do actually need a babysitter ie for your work training she can do it at your house. Just explain you don't want baby travelling that distance in the car. If she doesn't like it then book her in at nursery. Rinse and repeat.

I agree with your friend. It sounds like exactly the sort of ad-hoc occasion where her help would be useful, and letting her have DD this time is consistent with what you've said your boundaries are.

See it as an opportunity to model exactly how her having DD is going to look. At your house, at times that actually suit you, maybe leaving then with a schedule or a booked activity DD enjoys. Then it's on your terms but MIL can't say you have blocked her access. If she's unable or unwilling to do it the way you've asked, that's the opportunity to have another conversation.

This is against all the childhood evidence that says young children should spend as much time with their primary caregiver as possible to be happiest and most confident.

Your DH is wrong. Is he stupid? Does he not understand child psychology at ALL? Please show him my comment. He's literally ignoring decades of child research, going against what is best for your baby, just to appease his mother.

He's either an idiot or incredibly cruel

@cj2796 I think she's extremely out of order for insinuating you'll have to hand your DC over to her if (she means when) you and her son split. My husband would not react well to someone saying that to me or the disrespect to our relationship.

I don't see why you should give up your time with DC to accommodate anyone else , it was good if you to offer once a month. I say this, but no one who spoke to me like that and called me selfish with my baby and told me I'd have to get used to separation when I'm divorced, would be being accommodated. Your DH either agrees with her or sees how out of order that is and grows a back bone. You deserve his support on this.

I've just re-read all your posts in order and there's some real hum-dingers in there regarding MIL and a few from DP too.

Overall DP should be sat right beside you cheering you on and helping you to work things out so that YOU can manage everything in his absence, and when he's home the 2 of you salvage what little time you have together and being a family with the children. It's not easy.

To be honest, I couldn't let anyone else take DD in their car for a long time, I couldn't bear the thought of them having an accident and me or her dad not being with her so it was always one of us driving.

As for MIL spouting terms about 'if you split up' - it has nothing whatsoever to do with her, she doesn't get a say in anything so don't fall for that rubbish. It sounds like she's trying to run yours & DP's lives remotely - and she's hell bent on wrecking your relationship if she doesn't get her own way. She stopped having a say in DP's life when he turned 18 and he should have stood up to her from then on - if he had then maybe he/you wouldn't have this woman interfering now.

As far as access goes you would be primary carer & he would get alternate weekends plus other days inbetween that you were able to agree on. Him working away isn't ideal but the 2 of you would need to work something out that suits you both. Your daughter has 2 parents - no-one else comes into it and there is no need for any mention of grandparents. He would have to see his mother in his contact time. That's how I remember it said in our court case. We only ended up in court because he wouldn't co-operate and gladly shoved DD to grandma during his every contact time - I got that stopped because he was able to parent her but chose not to, poor love, they really are more precious in these horrible situations. For a couple to commit to bringing a child into the world they should 100% do whatever possible to provide stability and guidance - you know this anyway.

MIL & her 50/50 share is what you already do with your older children so that's where she's got that from - she's just an intimidating witch x