MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

‘Dont worry, dd is already away from me 4 days a week, that’s already a lot more confidence building than dp or I was having at that age. She doesn’t need any more ‘confidence building’ separation, she needs me.’

Your dp works away op, you’re the primary carer. Relax, refuse any regular grandparent time and if it comes to it you can go to court and say he’s not around, he can only have contact time when he’s actually around.

This is probably a silly analogy but hear me out.
Say your DP had long since wanted a very expensive sports car. He finally buys one and it is his pride and joy. He loves driving it and it gives him great pleasure even just to see it sitting on the driveway.
But his DF wants to borrow it for a day a week. Says he's being selfish to refuse and it's not a day he uses it and it's therefore just sitting there. It will be good for the car to get a long run on the motorway down to DF's place. It can be kept in a garage overnight - better than the driveway at home. DF can get it valeted each week to "help DP out." DP can drive something else on the day DF has it, if he does ever need a car.
Would your DP agree he was being selfish to say, "Fuck off, it's MY car. No." Would he have agreed to DF having it even once a month? Or would he think that it's generous enough to let him take it for a spin when he visits?

(Disclaimer: I KNOW a baby is not the same as a car and that this is a sexist scenario. For the record, in our house it is I who loves nice cars and DH couldn't give a damn what he drives)

The mil has no access rights. She knows this and is trying to intimidate you. Stay strong as you are doing. Keep your boundaries in place against this toxic person.

The thing I've found so weird about this from day 1 is the travelling. I know you suspect she's aiming to build up to overnights, but surely no normal sane adult thinks that a baby should be spending 4 hours in a car on a regular basis? It's so bloody irrational.

I'd be tempted to send one last messege to your partner letting them know that both of their behaviour is concerning and aggressive. If he mentions 'she could get contact bla bla bla' remind him that you manage healthy coparenting relationships with your older DCs. If he took you to court you would be granted residency as he works away. Grandparents that are not actively involved (by involved I mean providing day to day parental care) do not get awarded anything in court. In your situation I would be ending the relationship now as your partner is not prioritising you or his child.

What about your other children…is she not bothered about them??

How old is she, I mean 8 hours in a car would destroy me. I’d be worried she was driving safely. Even 4 hours after a working day, if you think that’s what she’s working up to, also doesn’t sound good. What if they baby is up all night.

OP, call Womens aid for advice.
You are feeling unsafe.
A partner who is not around much and his mother haranguing you for access.
Protect yourself by talking to them, your GP and create a paper trail of feeling ganged upon upon.

Your partner is not around but is being very controlling of you, whilst being very hands off with his dd when he is around.

I definitely would seek a recommendation from Womens aid for legal advice, just to protect yourself.

Sounds to me as if your DP and his mother are doing the old MN thing of "getting their ducks in a row."
Listen to your gut here, OP. Block it at every turn.

Is your DP from a family of boys? If so it sounds like your MIL wants to live her Mummy and Daughter fantasy.

DH only has brothers and my MIL spent £1,000's on pink dresses, a pink pram for her house, dolls and anything pink and girly. We were lucky/unlucky as they live 5 minutes away so popped in nearly every day.

She has since admitted that when she found out that DD was a girl that she felt that it was her chance to have a daughter. It did calm right down when DD got mobile and vocal and decided for herself that she didn't want to spend her time with Nanny either just being held or dressed up in the clothes that Nanny brought.

This is how it feels. It doesn't feel like it's to help me or DD.

No, she also has a daughter but she doesn't have any children yet, my LO is the only grandchild. She does seem to be keen to play mummy though.

4 dolls prams and 3 baby annabels is crazy, and that says a lot about MiL….
She is becoming obsessed and your refusal to enable her results in tantrums and name calling….

You sound a wonderful mother who is totally putting her child’s needs first. Unlike MiL who is putting her needs before your daughters…. And that needs to be pointed out to your DH….

As others have pointed out, your daughter needs the security of being with her mum, especially as dad is working away so much. She does not need to be driven for 2 hours to spend time in an unfamiliar house without her mummy her familiar surroundings and with a strange woman wanting her to do things she doesn’t do with mummy. No decent grandparent would even suggest such nonsense.

MiL doesn’t want to help she wants your child so she can play dollys……
Stop responding to her. Tell DH you don’t want to hear it as it’s always the same broken record…. Don’t allow her to babysit or offer more days. No court would award this woman any contact and your husband works away…

I would suggest an appointment with a solicitor. It will cost you, but it would’ve helpful to get her advice and have it notes for any potential future issue, that you were concerned.

And finally, as a MiL and a grandma let me tell you she is crazy. It is not selfish to want to care for your own child, it’s what normal mothers do. Just carry on and keep reminding your DH that his Mother is becoming very obsessive and does he think she needs to see her Dr…

Very good advice.

I got pressured into leaving my 4mo with in-laws... I still regret it. I assumed they would ring me if she was upset but they didn't & I found out she'd been crying for me all day. I still massively regret it & feel so much guilt.

You're not doing anything wrong at all. I think she's acting selfishly. If it's any comfort, I find that 'help' seems to wain once they're past the baby/toddler stage, so she'll hopefully back off a bit soon enough.

Cancel next week. Can nursery look after her instead? Or your own family?

Do not entertain this batshittery any longer. I wouldn't even be taking phone calls from her any longer since she doesn't take no for an answer. It's amazing you haven't told her to fuck off already. You'd be well within your rights to since she won't leave you alone.

You also have a major DP problem.

I would not be letting MIL have any unsupervised access. Zero.

I do get the excitement of a baby girl in the family - I have three dses, and our first grandchild is a girl, and I am having such fun buying dresses and pink things - but in moderation, because I know she's not my baby, and being careful not to step on my DIL's toes, or ds1's.

When they came up to stay recently, I did have an awful lot of fun buying the things they'd need for her, so they didn't have to schlepp them all the way here (8 hours drive away). So I do understand the excitement - what I cannot understand is grown women who lose control of themselves so completely that they think they have the right to time alone with their grandchild, and sleepovers when the baby is still small, and who even talk about what they would get in terms of contact if the parents split up! I would so love the chance to sit the OP's MIL down and tell her a few home truths.

He won't get 50/50 so I'd not worry about that.

He's not making you or your DD his priority so I'd just stop bothering.
You don't have to communicate with her anymore.
Just stop.

If he mentions it

Dp she's your mother. You can arrange for DD to see her on your days off. I was my hands of it all.

This is just awful, I went through this as a young mum, it was almost as if my dh and mil were the couple, it was all so weird and she was constantly in his ear and he would take her side, all his aunts were the same and I got horrible comments and the baby taken from me etc. Mine was first grandchild too which makes it worse. I still regret allowing them to do what they did and like you I was a nice person and questioned myself and my own instincts, it was total gaslighting! Explain to a your partner that as much as you appreciate the offer it doesn’t work at this time, if he keeps pushing you have a dp problem

This makes me so sad to read. I'm so sorry you felt pressured to do that.

A close friend has told me not to cancel next week, because I'll look very petty. And just to insist MIL has LO at my house. And just to cancel any further. Not sure if I can though, I just feel so on edge about it all.

I'm with your friend actually. Cancelling makes it look like you're actively keeping her away from your DD. This way, when you get more whinging you can breezily respond with, "of course I'm happy to have your mother spend time with DD - and I was super grateful she was able to look after her last week. As I keep saying, if she wants to come down and have the baby sometimes instead of nursery, while I'm working, I'd be very happy with that. I just have to prioritise what's best for her in terms of time away/time in the car as well as the huge effort I went to to get this time off work so I can spend it with her."

My own mum would never do this. There are a few grandchildren on my side and my mum is very "I'm here to help, just tell me what you need". She never oversteps or tries to get involved unless asked.

My ex-mil was also okay, she did the odd snarky MIL type comments the usual ones like baby needing solids at 4 months and things like that.. but she never overstepped in any concerning way. She would babysit if we asked, was a keen grandparent but never tried to push having my other DCs alone or anything like that, but happily would if we needed which we did occasionally.

I just expected the same here...