MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

Sorry if this is a drip feed, but she ignored my (kind) offer of once a month to have LO.

According to my DP she's asking to have LO every week "even if only for half a day".

I'm not sure why she is so determined to have baby weekly. Or how that would even work with the distance.

You are all correct, it really wouldn't be in her best interests to be in the car for 4 hours unnecessarily every week. (We have taken her away on holiday before for longer journeys but it's rare!).

The nursery is right near my other children's school and on my route to work so it works really well for my day!

I understand what people are saying about paying for the day at nursery and allowing MIL to have baby. I definitely can't drop a day as we could lose the place. It's something I can think about although not sure how it works for the distance, and also the routine for my baby (getting her settled into nursery is still a process. She isn't a morning person)

I can't change my day off. It was a very stressful and long process to even get to the point with work of being able to condense to 4 days. These are the days that work for the team I am now on, no chance to change atm. Nor do I want to rock the boat with work as I need my job, just to appease my MIL.

Id say to your DP if he wants his mother to have the baby,he can take a day off every week and drop the baby there and back.
Bet it's dropped pretty sharpish then.

My DPs working schedule I difficult, he works away a lot and his days off aren't always set. So it's not possible for him to change to accommodate his mother either.

No, this MIL does not want to help. MILs who want to help don't expect their grandchild to lose time with their primary carer or to spend 4 hours in the car on a single day. If she wants to babysit she can swap her days and come to you to care for baby while you are at work.

Response to MIL is: thank you for your kind offer, but I only have one free day to spend with the baby and so will be looking after her on that day.

Response to DP: your mother is batshit. Please rein her in.

And ignore further nonsense.

How exactly is she even planning to manage this two hour distance thing? I mean, if she did it all, that's 8 hours for her? And you don't have time to be doing it.

I'm finding the whole thing a bit odd.

I do get what you're saying about the routine, but I think you should consider the nursery option. I mean, she coul deven come down at lunch, collect baby and have her for the afternoon.

She would have lost me at the split up/get used to it comment! That's nasty!

The op has already said if they drop a day, they will lose their nursery space entirely.

The MIL has been offered one full day a month and has declined this and wants the full day that OP has off, eventually leading to the overnight before this day off and has told the OP when they split, she needs to get used to nights away from her baby.

I've no clue why anyone thinks this utter batshittery should be entertained.

she ignored my (kind) offer of once a month to have LO.According to my DP she's asking to have LO every week "even if only for half a day"

This isn't a fucking negotiation! She doesn't have a say!

What a horrible woman to talk about your and your partner splitting up and how it would benefit her in terms of spending time with your dd.

I wouldn't give up any of my precious limited time with my child.

If your mil wants to visit at the weekend every so often then they would work better for you?

Don't let her undermine you ever.

Stop being tactful with your dp. Tell him: you’re not here most of the time. I do it all on my own. Start supporting me, or you had better be planning to equal parent; to stay home with baby when she’s ill, to do the nursery run regularly and support my career a little for a change. Start appreciating all I can do instead of dictating everything else I should be doing too.

@cj2796 Your MIL has no rights whatsoever here and since she is being so unreasonable I would not accommodate her in any way

OP can’t change her day off, and why should she ? It’s down to her DH to appease his mother by changing his own working pattern if he’s so keen to accommodate her. And it wouldn’t save on child care fees because as has already been pointed out, if OP were to drop another day at nursery she would lose the place altogether. She would still have to pay for the day even if she didn’t use it. Not to mention the nursery isn’t two hours away, but MiL is.

I said earlier, I suspect her end goal would be to do this for a little bit... and then suggest the driving is all too much and she should collect LO the day prior and have her overnight.

Any reason she can’t change her day off?

The nursery isn't 2 hours drive away? What a ridiculous comment from him.

Yep. Methinks mummy in law is in for a nasty shock if a break up does come to pass. As a grandparent she has absolutely no right of access, so I think she will be the one having to get used to things as dictated by OP - an actual parent !! If I were OP I don’t think I would be able to resist pointing that out to her when radio silence is broken !!

Stop trying to find ways to appease your mil. You do what works for you and your children. Your dh works long hours and works away so the majority of childcare and everything else is on you.

if dp wants to keep his mum happy then he needs to find a way when he is at home to do this.

mil sounds very critical of you and your parenting eg sending your child to nursery etc, I bet her ds(boy wonder ) has the sun shining out his arse because he “works away and works so hard for his family” .

I’ve met those kinds of mils before!

Perhaps point out to her that if you and your DH separate, as he is a largely absent parent, the court is going to agree that you need to have the bulk of access and at that point, you will be under no obligation whatsoever to consider her at all during YOUR contact time.

Refuse and insist your DP supports you in this. Ridiculous.

Trust me, there will be !!

Rescind the day a month. She's being nuts.

Offer to come on a nursery day and watch baby in house if she changes her day off.

You can't change your days off because a Friday is often a school holiday (in Scotland anyway).

That's more helpful to you.

That way she won't let you down with holidays etc and baby not in car for 4 hours each week.

"Selfish with the baby" - what utter nonsense. Never heard anything like it!

I am sorry you are saddled with this difficult unsupportive OH and pain in the arse MIL. I say this as a MIL!!

@Twiglets1

As far as I understand MIL can't change her day off either, or isn't offering to anyway.

Well he can do it whenever his day off is.