MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

This is infuriating to read! But to keep the peace I’d say something about how precious your time is with baby, it’s most likely your last baby (if it is) so you want to make the most of this, and that their siblings also need time with her. Can your MIL not spend time with you all together at the weekend? Why does she need alone time?

So does she expect you to take the baby to her (2 hours each way)?!

So do you have to take the baby to her - 2hrs away? She doesn't come to your house to look after the baby?

As you've already been through one split with children, you know that Grandparents generally don't get considered in custody arrangements and therefore any time she wants to see the baby would be on his time.

There's a ton of replies you could give and would probably like to give but she sounds like someone who wouldn't take any notice of them anyway. I'd tell your Partner that her request doesn't work and he needs to tell her this and you won't be arranging your entire life for her. I wouldn't engage in any more conversations with her about this and ignore any messages relating to this.

Wtf would you miss out on your own baby at the behest of a lunatic? Stick to your guns if not for you, then for your daughters sake

If your dp backs her, do split up. He's not there for you anyway and no one is giving away custody of a little baby so mil will be sorely disappointed

Stop worrying about causing a rift and do what is right for your baby, which is spending time with you.

She seems pretty selfish putting her wants over the baby's needing time with its mother and siblings ...

Sounds like you've been accommodating as it is, just remain firm and calm repeating your point of view.

And no, her wants wouldn't be taken into account if you and your H split ...

Of course you want to spend your day off with your baby and I think you were generous in offering once a month!
If she's that bothered, tell her to swap her work days around. I'd be having words with your partner too!

My God she sounds utterly selfish. The main concern should be what is best for baby, not what she wants. The fact that you even offered one day a month - which I think is super generous of you when you had yourself wanted that weekly day with your baby - and then she didn't gratefully accept this, tells you who she really is as a person. She'd rather focus on being stroppy for not getting something she wanted than to actually be happy to have that time with her grandchild. And then they are even 2 hours away!!! Her entitlement is beyond belief. I'd keep her at arms length now after being treated like that.

@cj2796 you have older children and weekends are busy.

Why not suggest that MIL comes at weekends when she can spend time with DP and the baby? I'm guessing that MIL doesn't have other grandchildren so this could be a really good compromise. Also means baby doesn't have to travel

You're allowed to be "selfish' with your own baby. Normally it's called being a good mother. Sounds as if you're being eminently reasonable. You've explained,- don't waste your breath or worry about it any more.

Bloody hell .. tell your dp to grow a pair and back you up! This is your baby, not your mil’s!

My mil actually cried in front of me when I wouldn’t allow my few weeks old baby to sleep over at her house .. crying “this is not what I though it would be like” 🙄 ffs, she had her own kids and sent them to her mothers, and in laws every weekend, Friday to Sunday! Expected me to do the same! Jog on!

“I am not changing my work days or driving 2 hours to drop my baby off at your selfish twat of a mother’s house. That is insane” and repeat

@cj2796 also if you call her MIL when you're not actually married, it's rather confusing.

“Hi Sarah

DH has explained that you’d like some time with Rosie which is lovely. As you know I don’t work on Fridays and can’t change this so Fridays don’t work at all but if you’d like to see her every other Wednesday that would work. I’d suggest logistically it will be best if you pick her up from nursery at about 11am which will give you time to drive down to us and then you can drop her off back home once we are back from work at 6pm.
Lovely idea. Let me know if it would be easier just to do the first Wednesday of every month.”

"My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful."

Good Lord, this alone would infuriate me.

Shes not thinking of her grandchild, she's thinking of herself.

I wouldn't rearrange your week and I wouldn't change childcare arrangements. In the circumstances where you are working and doing the majority of the care you don't need to add long journeys to suit her.
She can call it at weekends if that is convenient to you.

You are not causing a rift by having perfectly reasonable and healthy boundaries. If anyone is causing a rift it is your MIL. You can’t stop her from being unreasonable, that is 100% her responsibility and completely within her control.

Stand firm. Your baby needs that bonding time with you. You are putting your baby’s needs first and there is nothing selfish about that. And FWIW, there is nothing selfish about putting your needs first before somebody else’s wants. 💐🌈💖

I would not be driving 2 hours to drop my baby off for mil to watch the baby while i then have to go to work.

if your wants to facilitate his demanding mum that he seems eager to please then he needs to change his hours to do this. Do not share your own day off a week, it’s your day off with your baby.

my in-laws never had our children alone they saw them when we visited them or if they occasionally visited us.

Sorry, DP and I aren't married. I just used MIL as it's easier than typing DPs mother.

I don’t understand what your husband is thinking, how it would work logistically. Either of you it’s a four hour round trip to drop the baby off, and even if you meet half way it’s a 2 hour round trip , it’s nonsensical

Why don't you just tell her to piss off? Seriously. Obviously you don't have to use those exact words but 'no thank you, that's not what's best for my baby/anyone'

Nobody cares about hurting or upsetting you or your poor baby

🙄🙄 it’s really not 🙄🙄

Stop pandering to her. You will only make her worse.

You need to just shut her down and let your DP deal with it. He's being pathetic and selfish, as is she!! Keep the day for yourself.

My DP at first said his mother was overstepping, but now I think she's got in his ear and he's trying to "compromise" and appease her.

I think I've already offered a very good compromise by giving her 1 day a month on my day off.

Someone said further up about if they are reliable... WELL. My DP father is semi-retired so they go on a lot of holidays, travel around to watch a certain sport they follow etc.

If I was to manage to arrange a day less for LO at nursery say without losing her place, in order for MIL to have her. I've asked DP what happens when they are on their holidays or travelling as they do? It will mean I will need to take A/L to cover this... which then cuts into time off I could have taken with all the children. Nursery I don't have to worry about this, I know I can go to work without any hassle.