Me or friend

[Badassbreastfeeder85]

I went to visit my friend (L) with my 12 yo DS and 14 month old DD. Me and L have been friends about 20 years. She's recently had a guy (B) move in with her, she's known him 2 years after he messaged her on FB and they've had an on/off sexual relationship for 2 years,not exclusive and they now work for the same company. Prior to Saturday I've met him briefly 2 or 3 times,he's met my DD once. She had a contact nap and when she woke I went for a wee,I came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy, L was in the kitchen cooking,it's open plan flat but she was busy and had her back to the room. I was stunned,I stayed for a little while longer,on the drive home it bothered me significantly and the next day I messaged to say I found it inappropriate and unnecessary. She has reacted by saying some hurtful things and blocked me.
AIBU

Are you implying that he's a predator! Because if I was your friend I'd think that was exactly what you was implying

It is odd that a relative stranger would change a nappy when the parent is there. I don't think I'd be happy about this either.

Absolutely no reason for him to change a nappy in the few minutes you were in the loo, I'd have hit the roof.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and this is wildly inappropriate from essentially, a stranger. I would say the same if it was a man or a woman changing the nappy.

I think it's inappropriate, too. I wouldn't have been very happy.
There was no need to change her in the short time you were gone. I again would say this if it were a male or female. I would never change/take a child to the toilet without the parents' permission.

YANBU to find it odd that a man you barely know changed your baby's nappy the moment you left the room for a wee. It is odd.

I'm not saying he had any sinister motive. Statistically, the likelihood is that he probably didn't. But I think it would strike most parents as inappropriate that a virtual stranger changed their kid's nappy without asking, in the few minutes when you were out of the room, and it's completely reasonable that you were uncomfortable with it. You don't really know him very well at all - it's not like he's, eg, your dad or your brother or someone you trust.

I guess your friend's reaction might depend a bit on how you handled it. If your message was 'Hiya - didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want it to be awkward, but just wondered why X changed DD's nappy while I was in the loo yesterday? Did you ask him to? I'm sure it's fine but I was a bit surprised?' then it's OTT of her to react so angrily to you. But if you said 'What the hell was your creepy boyfriend doing changing my child in secret? Keep that fucking paedo away from us in future' then obviously that's going to be a different kind of conversation.

Unelss your dd stank of poo he had no legitimate reason to want to change her imo. And even then your mate should have done it or shouted for you to hurry up! Have you Googled him op? Right down to the bottom of the list. Can be eye opening ime.

I asked whether my friend had asked him to change it,as she was cooking, she said no he just took it upon himself, as soon as I left the room,she wasn't dirty and I wasn't gone any time at all,there was no need to change it the second I left the room,without my consent, on his lap, my daughter doesn't know hom and neither do I, my friend said she's trusts him and is offended that she feels im questioning her judgement. I don't think its her place to decide who has intimate contact with my daughter,its not like he was babysitting and was the only adult available

YANBU at all. I would be incredibly angry and upset in your situation. She's not a supportive friend if she can't see that you are justified to feel that way.

I don't think I came across as accusatory

No that's fine and what was the response?

I'm implying that it's inappropriate for a stranger to change the nappy of a baby of someone he doesn't know when their mother and the mothers friend are both there,there was no need and i feel it's crossed a boundary

You should have spoken directly to him at the time, though.

Very strange. Does he have children of his own? I can’t imagine a reason anyone would take it upon themselves to change someone else's child without being asked in a situation like that?

Well i was stunned to be honest, and he'd already finished, like I say it wasn't until I was driving home that I replayed it

2 older boys

YANBU, her reaction is bizarre - being honest NO ONE changes a nappy if they don't have to, surely?!

My oldest friend has a baby, she's babysat my DC, and I her older ones, my DP has too, on his own.

Neither of us would even think about suddenly changing her baby while she was in the loo! It's utterly weird behaviour.

YANBU at all. No reason for him to do this whatsoever. I wouldn't do it with a friends baby unless specifically asked.

Did you say that the nappy didn't even need changing?

As a mother, I would never change another child's nappy unless I was specifically asked to, and there was a reason the adult in charge of the child, could not.

Inappropriate yes I agree 🤔 I wonder if he has children ( so more of a 2nd nature ) and misguidedly though he was doing you a favour.

She said she didn't think it was an issue as she was there,(in the kitchen preoccupied with cooking and her back to the room though), she said she had said it needs changing as its full, but I was literally only having a wee it absolutely could have waited ill I came downstairs, I didn't say oh can one of u change her while I use the loo

YANBU - he shouldn't have done it because he didn't need to, and because these days most men wouldn't for fear how it might seem.

But he risked it.

She blocked you? Let her. Let her get on with her own conscience on this.

It does seem a bit odd but I think it’s far more likely he thought he was being helpful rather than being some sort of predator!

I also find it odd you didn’t ask why he was changing the nappy at the time.

It's weird to change a baby's nappy when the baby's mother has only nipped to the loo.

Yanbu at all.

It's not even accusatory. It's about autonomy and safe adults.

My 6yo dd got completely changed at school by a member of staff, she had no idea why, and when I called they said a kid at the table had smelled of wee so they changed all the kids at the table to prevent kid 1 being embarrassed.

I absolutely kicked off because my dd shouldn't be in a position to get changed without her knowing why.

I didn't think there was a sinister motive, but it was totally about my dd, her privacy, her rights, and her being able to know safe adults to trust.

It's not that you think he's a paedophile, it's that your dds privacy and dignity, and teaching her, even at this age, that she should be treated with respect, not just having some random guy changing her because he felt like it.

I wouldn't engage with either of them ever again op.