Me or friend

[Badassbreastfeeder85]

I went to visit my friend (L) with my 12 yo DS and 14 month old DD. Me and L have been friends about 20 years. She's recently had a guy (B) move in with her, she's known him 2 years after he messaged her on FB and they've had an on/off sexual relationship for 2 years,not exclusive and they now work for the same company. Prior to Saturday I've met him briefly 2 or 3 times,he's met my DD once. She had a contact nap and when she woke I went for a wee,I came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy, L was in the kitchen cooking,it's open plan flat but she was busy and had her back to the room. I was stunned,I stayed for a little while longer,on the drive home it bothered me significantly and the next day I messaged to say I found it inappropriate and unnecessary. She has reacted by saying some hurtful things and blocked me.
AIBU

We cross-posted. Even without this further clarity, I already concluded he was in the wrong. Which explains why your friend blocked you- it is shameful what he did.

So HE thought you were being lazy and it should've been changed hours ago.....he sets the scene right there OP to give him the excuse to his very deluded GF that it's normal for him to change YOUR baby's nappy.
She's mad about him, you're the villain.
He orchestrated the whole thing and she can't/ wont see it.
Do not think you're being unreasonable OP you really are not.

No you are not.

Highly doubt it, he doesn't even want to be officially her boyfriend

Generally, I find the obsession about predators in Britain a bit...but I am with you on this one. It is very unusual that someone would do that with an able parent present. I find it inappropriate too. She should be able to see that. She can see it too, perhaps you are making her see something she is trying hard not to see.

Agreed. In my old job, abroad, I specialised in this work. Yup, usually trusted uncle etc etc. This one is not even trusted anything, just a random but yet, he had a cheek. They usually always do and normally the initial reaction is, of disbelief just as your friend has responded as he has won HER 'prerequisite' trust first.

What are ages of friend and guy? The only thing I thought of was that maybe he wants her to give him babies so he wanted to show off that he is v v good with babies and can change them no problem.

Again, still weird.

That man's behaviour is not OK. I wouldn't even do this for a friend's baby if I'd known the friend for years and the baby since birth. I would cuddle a crying baby and say when the mum got back 'I think her nappy's a bit full'.

Glad you cleared this up I was wondering what I missed as I didn’t see anything about her asking him.

You are 100% in the right. I don’t know any man who would take it upon himself to change a babies nappy that wasn’t his own child. My DF, DBs, DH, DUncles all hands on Dads who changed many nappies, but absolutely would not change another child’s especially with such speed and why on his lap? My alarm bells would absolutely be going.

I had a group of 6yos at my house last week. I sent them upstairs to get ready for rainbows. As I was running around my DH was stood in the dining room waiting I didn’t think and told him to go hurry them up, he said there is no way I’m going upstairs while a bunch of 6 yo girls were getting undressed. He was absolutely right.

It only takes a second for a predator to take advantage of a situation and many children have been the subject of abuse when other adults have had their backs turned.

I think it’s ridiculous telling you you should have said something at the time. It’s easy to say when you’re not in a difficult or awkward situation and your thoughts aren’t clear. Plus you were alone with 2 small children you had no idea how it could have gone down.

Trust your instincts.

on a side note, what has your DDs dad said?

Yanbu.
I would be horrified.
Really horrified.
This is not normal behaviour at all.
Who changes a baby unasked with the mother gone for a pee?.
I'm so gobsmacked I cannot believe she or he thinks this is reasonable.
I haven't dealt with a baby in years and years and even then this wouldn't have happened.
Completely unacceptable.
She's a freak and so is he.

A typical Dad in this exact situation would not dream of doing this - you were available - and the risk of being thought 'dodgy' would be on his radar. This person obviously made a decision to do it anyway, which raises questions. Your instinct is there for a reason.

So what if the OP came across as 'accusatory' ( I don't think so). Your child and you get to decide who does what. I would have gone mad at this OP. He's a stranger by all accounts, and there was no need for him to do it. Don't apologise for protecting your child, no matter what.

Red flags for sure. Very sinister . No way would dh attempt to change a child's nappy , he didn't like having to change his own kids nappies ! Nor would he change a niece or nephew if he could help it ! I'd be fucking livid. I'm going to go all out and say this was done for sinister reasons ! I'd have nothing to do with both of them ever again . No man in his right mind would willingly change a strangers nappy

I think some posters on here should go on a child protection course. This kind of thing is EXACTLY what opportunistic predators do. Any access to a child is an opportunity and abuse often happens right under the noses of other people as most people, wrongly, like to view humans through the lens of their own morals.

I wouldn’t be happy about it at all. Even if he’s completely above board it’s totally inappropriate. I wouldn’t dream of taking it upon myself to do that, not even with my most closest friends and I’m a mother myself. If nothing else he’s a man with no sense of boundaries and that in itself is a concern.

Absolutely no need for him to change nappy, disgusting, in plain sight....

Oh no this is so wrong, how dare he do that, jesus fucking christ this is beyond just taking liberties

Even if she hadn't blocked you I'd never be in their company again, with or without my baby, I'm fuming on your behalf

I don't buy this at all. In this day and age I can't see how any sane man would put himself in such a dodgy position in an innocent way. I can't think of a single person I know (male or female) that would have done what he did. People are acutely aware of what's inappropriate when it comes to children - to the point that men often won't even approach a child that is alone and in distress for fear of being accused of being a paedo/predator. This man has taken advantage of an opportunity so brazenly and boldly that I would consider him a very dangerous predator.

Completely inappropriate! Best off away from both of them.

I agree.

I am guessing your friend is angry because she wants to be with him and she knows deep down he did something weird so she has to try to justify to herself why she is staying with him.

Because if my partner did something that upset my friend who I had known for 20 years - I would have tried to smooth things out not get angry. People get angry as a defense mechanism ie fight or flight. If not reason for defense not reason to fight.

He must of been quite quick ,to get it done while u nipped for a wee ,I can be in and out in less than a minute..where did u leave the baby when you went for a wee .

Exactly! Nursery staff have to have written consent from parents before they can change a child and they are all PVG checked!! I would report this guy to the police.

Yanbu op.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I would be fuming! Why on earth would he feel the need to do this if you've only just gone to the loo. You're friend needs shaking for responding the way she has to you.

It’s weird. Thinking about all the men I know, including DP and family I can not think that any of them would do this. It would have be odd for your female friend to do this. Sort of over bearing and meddling.

I’d cool it between you. Perhaps she’ll tire of him eventually and you can rekindle.