Me or friend

[Badassbreastfeeder85]

I went to visit my friend (L) with my 12 yo DS and 14 month old DD. Me and L have been friends about 20 years. She's recently had a guy (B) move in with her, she's known him 2 years after he messaged her on FB and they've had an on/off sexual relationship for 2 years,not exclusive and they now work for the same company. Prior to Saturday I've met him briefly 2 or 3 times,he's met my DD once. She had a contact nap and when she woke I went for a wee,I came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy, L was in the kitchen cooking,it's open plan flat but she was busy and had her back to the room. I was stunned,I stayed for a little while longer,on the drive home it bothered me significantly and the next day I messaged to say I found it inappropriate and unnecessary. She has reacted by saying some hurtful things and blocked me.
AIBU

OP, where was your son at this time?

It sounds like a request doesn't it? Like I couid do with a coffee? Lol

Upstairs playing with my friends 2 boys

Wildly inappropriate. I'd be furious, and that 'friend' would no longer be a friend.

I'd be surprised that 21% of the vote at the time of typing was that YABU, if I hadn't seen the types who have sadly infiltrated this site of late. Unfortunately, nothing these days surprises me.

You were very measured, very reasonable, and I'd have made a far bigger song and dance about this than you have. The moment your back was turned, too. In no one's langauge would this ever be viewed as appropriate.

I would find this highly inappropriate. I also don't think most men are predators AND that most innocent men would not want to put themselves in this situation.

There are very few things that would make me react with a lot of certainty but this is one. Highly highly inappropriate for a strange man to take it upon himself as soon as a parents back is turned, to take a child's nappy off/change a nappy. Highly highly inappropriate.

Not as 'inappropriate' as changing a her DD's nappy!!!

I'm a teaching assistant so my views on safeguarding and boundaries may be stronger because of this,in terms of what is appropriate contact, but what adult male doesn't realise this crosses a boundary

…he must be very quick at changing a nappy if he picked baby up, got her undressed, found your bag, took the stuff out, took old nappy off, wiped, put new nappy on.. when you were out the room for a moment

i Have 2 kids, one dd. No way would my dh do this and if he suggested it I’d tell him no.

That's very weird. But were you gone longer than you thought? I don't see how going for a wee would leave enough time to comment on the nappy being full, find your bag, rummage around for the stuff and get her changed?

Or she realises she's put him in an awkward position and feels guilty. The friend really seems to be the one at fault here. Also saying the nappy was full implies to me that it was dirty not just wet and I hate seeing a baby left in a dirty nappy even for a short time.

Yanbu OP, something is off about this. It doesn't make sense to me and I can't imagine any male (,or female) friend of mine doing something like this unprompted. And knowing most of my male friends, they would run a mile when there are nappies to be changed
Very bizarre indeed!!

Jesus, I cannot believe that OP, that's not just inappropriate it's fking outrageous!!!
No way in anyone's language is that acceptable.
Your friend is appalling for reversing this to you. I'd message this bloke and tell him never to touch your child again and tell your friend she's really let you down for defending him.

Walked up the stairs, wee'd, washed my hands,walked downstairs, so no I don't think i was gone long enough for them to think oh this situation is untenable that poor baby needs her nappy changing with immediate urgency

Yes he must have immediately changed her as soon as I left,so not that she was sat for ages waiting to be changed and I wasn't there

It beggars belief...what the hell!

YANBU - also how dare he suggest to your friend that you’re lazy for not changing the nappy earlier. Sounds like he’s a know it all and oversteps boundaries.

Quite frankly, yes. They are relatively common, were you aware?

I find it quite incredible that very understandable female concerns, and the raising of those concerns in the face of deeply worrying male behaviour, should be questioned before we question that male behaviour. That this is the initial, socially-ingrained response is evident from the friend's reaction as well as the post above.

This is in no small part the reason predators get away with their behaviour. Because they couldn't possibly be predators, right?

Were I the OP's friend I'd be just as concerned about his behaviour and would very likely be blocking him, not her. But, as ever, it's the woman who is being irrational.

OP, in losing this woman's friendship, you have lost absolutely nothing. You are very right to keep your children safe.

It wasn't unprompted her friend said the baby's nappy is full and needs changing obviously I'd of said no but he followed up on the request.

It is weird and the more you type, OP, the more it sounds like he sat there thinking the baby's nappy needed changing and so jumped on you leaving the room as an opportunity to do it. Which is judgemental as hell.

I think I'd be tempted to reply with something along the lines of 'I'm sorry if I've upset you but it's not about trust, it's about me not being happy with someone else deciding when my baby's nappy gets changed' and leave it at that. The friendship sounds damaged now anyway so I doubt it's going to be a future issue.

Completely agree but I think inappropriate is not the right word.

No just wet

You are not being unreasonable, OP. I would have gone absolutely nuclear.

YANBU, that’s totally inappropriate. I would NEVER change the nappy of someone’s else’s child without expressly being asked to do so.

Especially as she was asleep beforehand