Me or friend

[Badassbreastfeeder85]

I went to visit my friend (L) with my 12 yo DS and 14 month old DD. Me and L have been friends about 20 years. She's recently had a guy (B) move in with her, she's known him 2 years after he messaged her on FB and they've had an on/off sexual relationship for 2 years,not exclusive and they now work for the same company. Prior to Saturday I've met him briefly 2 or 3 times,he's met my DD once. She had a contact nap and when she woke I went for a wee,I came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy, L was in the kitchen cooking,it's open plan flat but she was busy and had her back to the room. I was stunned,I stayed for a little while longer,on the drive home it bothered me significantly and the next day I messaged to say I found it inappropriate and unnecessary. She has reacted by saying some hurtful things and blocked me.
AIBU

Why would you think he thought he was being helpful? I think he was being creepy as fuck and I absolutely would question his motives.

⬆️ this

Not defending him at all he's creepy/inappropriate as fuck! I'll tell you why men thinking they are being helpful with kids tho? They go blooming viral and get praised to the Hilton for doing a basic ponytail 😂 picking out a dress taking a kid to school it's like 🤝👏👏👏 look he brushed her hair!! 😂😂

You have done the right thing! Unfortunately, with the Police setting up a quick, face to face meeting, I am 99% sure they have something to disclose to you x

Totally inappropriate.

I would have hit the roof.

No normal man would ever do that.

Forget the 'friendship' and try to forget what happened. Distance from her will help with this.

Yes but that's the child's Father, totally different scenario we're talking about a strange bloke undressing a baby the second the OPs back was turned...

Yes I know but the point extends past your own kids ( with men ) and omg he's so kind to kids ( not I'm this situation obviously, but If he wasn't a raving weirdo, I'd assume he must of throught he was helping )

Sorry, but blokes who are not known to the Mother and child who enage in something so personal as nappy changing has red flags all over it, especially as the child didn't need changing and the OP had only gone to the loo for a few minutes.

Where am I disagreeing?

I'm pretty sure it's just to gain more information about the incident, they may not even be able to locate him as I only have my friends address and he's not officially living there

Hi OP! On reading your initial post I felt uneasy, but couldn't quite put my finger on why - the part of me that likes to trust people was saying "he was just trying to be helpful, surely?"

The more I read, the more I thought over the original scenario, the more alarm bells started to ring. I completely understand why you didn't say anything there and then - chances are you had the same reaction. It takes time for your brain to process everything and for you to articulate exactly what that easy feeling was.

If I'm reading it correctly, your child was on the floor after having her nap whilst you went to the loo? So this argument that the nappy really needed changing is a bit loose - he'd have only known that if he'd picked her up surely? And you said yourself, it had only been changed a few hours before. You were also holding here minutes beforehand - you would have known if she needed an urgent change there and then. Don't doubt yourself now - he's going to great lengths, as is your friend, to minimise extremely unusual and suspicious behaviour.

I hope your meeting with the police goes well and that you feel better after it. You are acting like a fantastic mum who's putting her child above a 20 year friendship - how many times do you hear of people doing the opposite and leaving their children at risk? Well done and I really hope it turns out to be a misguided but meaning to be helpful situation - but if it isn't, I hope this is what they need to nail him.

In terms of photos, he may well have a second device, or secret photo album on his phone - so it may not be immediately obvious even if your friend had doubts and checked herself.

Thank you! Yes she was awake and pottering arround on the floor she hadn't been awake that long but I suppose you could argue long enough I could have changed her but I didn't and went to the toilet myself first,it's not like I'd laid out a nappy and the change mat etc then got distracted so he just thought we'll I'll just do it then,I mean even if he thought that he should have asked if I wanted him to do it and I'd have said no, my meeting is at 1pm so will update after

Please don't doubt yourself OP. It is utterly out of order for pretty much a stranger to change a child's nappy without permission from the mother, who is in a seperate room and quite capable of doing it herself.

No idea why your friend felt the need to even mention ot to he BF and not to you. Does she judge your parenting?

She should have apologised for mentioning it to him, allowing it to happen and be willing to see it from your point of view.

Even if he doesn't have photos or a peodo history, doesn't make him innocent.

Most men will try and get out of changing their own kids nappies, let alone a friend of a gf's child when the mother is available to do it herself.

@FatmanandKnobbin 👏👏👏

I'm sorry, OP. Sadly your former friend's reaction is far from unusual because this is the way female socialisation works. We are conditioned to believe that men's rights and interests matter more than ours, and we question female behaviour before we question male behaviour. It's unfair and it's wrong, but it's reality. Denial and closing our eyes to these problems happens even within families, by mothers who fail to accept what their eyes and ears are clearly telling them and by doing so fail to protect their children. This scenario is frighteningly common, as witnessed by threads posted by many victims of child abuse on this site. You are not one of those mothers.

It's painful when someone we've known and trusted for many years lets us down and betrays that trust in such an insurmountable way. And a serious situation like this shows that the person you're seeing now is not the one you thought you knew. But there are no shades of grey in this situation and you should never doubt that you were right to listen to your own instincts.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this unenviable position - but an inevitable one, given your friend's response. Allow yourself time to grieve the friendship.

OP I'm just reposting this in case you missed it, it's a very good point from @Thelnebriati

Yes I would be reporting this too in order to have his phone searched and I would be suspicious that your friend is complicit 🤮

I accidentally clicked on the yabu, because I am stuffing my face and using my ring finger on my phone 😂. You most definitely are NOT being unreasonable, I would have been furious with my friend for allowing someone, who is essentially a stranger, to not only hold my baby, but to actually change the baby's nappy. If your "friend" can't see what's wrong with that, then you need to cut them off for good!

So was there about an hour and it was essentially just filling out paperwork, information gathering checking my ID etc I was able to provide his date of birth and the address where mum lives so they should be able to identify him, they will do the relevant checks and will get back to me if necessary. They asked for my DD dads info,so now im not sure whether I should tell him incase they contact him for any reason? I had to sign to say any disclosure made by them is to be kept confidential and im not allowed to share it

Your reaction is correct.

I want to make it totally clear to everyone questioning this:

It is absolutely unacceptable for anyone to undress a minor without the parent, or guardians consent.

So even if your worst fears are confirmed you can't warn your friend? Just great.

If he's got a record, and they know he's got access to her friend's children, the police will warn the friend.

Well done on following through.

OP I agree with you it's a really weird thing for someone to do.
I wouldn't do it as female nursery teacher. Let alone as a bloke. Most blokes I know are very cautious around children and very aware of what could be misconstrued. And would go out of their way not to put themselves in that situation.

It's very odd. And I'd worry that he was trying his luck. They have to start somewhere. And they often hide in plain sight.

sounds like this man has seized an opportunity here and I would be VERY wary of this guy. Why would anyone want to change a child’s nappy when they didn’t have to?? Creep