Me or friend

[Badassbreastfeeder85]

I went to visit my friend (L) with my 12 yo DS and 14 month old DD. Me and L have been friends about 20 years. She's recently had a guy (B) move in with her, she's known him 2 years after he messaged her on FB and they've had an on/off sexual relationship for 2 years,not exclusive and they now work for the same company. Prior to Saturday I've met him briefly 2 or 3 times,he's met my DD once. She had a contact nap and when she woke I went for a wee,I came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy, L was in the kitchen cooking,it's open plan flat but she was busy and had her back to the room. I was stunned,I stayed for a little while longer,on the drive home it bothered me significantly and the next day I messaged to say I found it inappropriate and unnecessary. She has reacted by saying some hurtful things and blocked me.
AIBU

I cannot believe that a whole group of children at SIX were changed because one child smelled of urine?

A six year old is quite capable of putting clothes on themselves-
That's really crazy.

Six isn't the age one would expect a school to have a supply of fresh clothes for a group of children, either?!

You have no idea what she actually told them. She probably told them the poor baby was being horribly neglected, you're an incompetent mother, and she asked him to change the nappy while she's cooking dinner because she was just doing so much for you and needed help.

The fact that there parents don't like him anyway speaks volumes.

Here's my thoughts, for what they're worth.

I think your friend is besotted with this man, who, by the sounds of it, took a while to pin down.

I think she wanted to see him in a "aww so caring, so GOOD with babies!" way, because she has a future agenda, so she told him to change the nappy. She potentially even got him the stuff (bit quick for one person accessing an unknown bag, no?)

I think she used your baby as a test to see his potential as a new dad.

And I think she's SO defensive because she did that, and she can't possibly admit she used your baby in a highly inappropriate, selfish, and unacceptable way, so she's flipped the blame to you.

I doubt the guy said anything about you/the nappy - it feels like more defence on her part. I'd bet she cajoled him to do it - or even started it then had to "tend to something urgent in the kitchen - you finish this!"

She used your baby to test her bf and she knows it was wrong so she's extra extremely defensive.

I'd be done.

Think this is exactly what's happened!

She absolutely doesn't want any more children, also he's not actually her boyfriend either he won't make it official

It’s odd. You were in the same house. None of my friends ever changed my children unless I had left them with them for a few hours while I was out. I’m with you. He may not be a predator but you don’t know either way tbh as you don’t know him.

She had also said she did t ask him to change her just that her nappy was full and he just did it himself

You're better off out of the friendship.

She clearly has weak boundaries (hanging on for a guy who won't commit etc)

Just wave her off and sigh a sigh of relief.

Where was your son?

Upstairs playing with my friends boys

The way she's responded makes me wonder if she thinks you don't change baby often enough - eg perhaps she thought you should have changed the baby before her nap or before you went to the loo and hadn't?

Having said that, it's irrelevant. Even without worrying about sinister motives, it is never okay to change a baby when the parent is there without asking first. I had a baby at the same time as my sister and her, me and our mum were often all around together. any one of us would have changed either baby's nappy but even then, there would always be a check in "right, I'll just change Petey's nappy shall I? because the default assumption is always that the parent will change it and that it's a bit of a favour for the other person but one that must be accepted first.

Your friend's boundaries are clearly weird though as she's let a man she' snot even officialyl in a relationship with move in with her and her children so Im' not sure you should be worrying too much if her judgement and. yours are different.

Sorry op but to me personally I'd of viewed this as a request anyway you're not overreacting and her blocking you is a blessing you'd never relax around them again and she's been highly disrespectful in defence of an inappropriate act with a man who won't even commit to her.

No man would willingly change a babies nappy that isn’t there’s (some don’t even want to change their own babies nappy)

My DH who is a father himself would be mortified if I suggested him changing my friends little girls nappy. Any sane man wouldn’t just take it upon himself to change a strangers nappy.

It sounds like your friend said babies nappy full (why did she even feel need to say this) and he thought it was a prime opportunity to change nappy whilst you were out the door.

They knew you were literally going to be 2 mins, again any sane person would just wait until you got back into the room “oh your baby might need changing”

Am I accusing him of being a predator? Yes

It was ridiculous. It was just a table of 4, but still.

It was a new HSL worker who was super keen and enthusiastic. She also told my dd that she loved her whilst doing this as well which I also complained about.

I was really confused as to why dds clothes were perfectly fine and she had been put in clothes slightly too small and the trousers that had a hole in them, then I made a formal complaint once I had an explanation.

My school has now implemented new policies surrounding this, so it shouldn't happen again.

It's not that I mind dd getting changed if the need arose, but it's about consent, autonomy, privacy and dignity.

This is the backstory I was looking for. HNRWT
Your Op made it like he was just there waiting to pounce at any time....meanwhile, the baby was wet, you knew baby was wet, and you rightly thought the nappy could wait 3/4 minutes.

I know your friend blocked you, but was the new nappy easily available? I mean each baby I have seen had its own nappy change routine with some mums needing to apply stuff on baby first for whatever reasons. So, how on earth did he think he could just change it his way?

And also, this is where your friend comes in: did he ask her first, at east mentioned the baby needed a nappy change and she asked him to do it ir agreed with his suggestion to do it?

It is either the guy or, you and your friend are both strange. This is not what happens with babies.

YANBU OP there’s something off about this. Trust your instinct. No man needs to change your baby’s nappy when you’ve just nipped to the loo let alone one you don’t really know. I don’t think any decent man would want to either. Your friend is very much in the wrong. I’d be ditching her for this too.

Also, was this visit all in one day?

No man would take off the pants or nappy of a small child under those circumstances for an innocent reason (because there was no reason to) - he saw an opportunity and immediately took it. I would be concerned he may also have taken a photo/video. I would probably speak to the police and see if he is known to them and get their advice. Your friend is incredibly naive. I wouldn't go near either of them again frankly!

That is completely nuts. Why would he do that?

If this baby's nappy is full convo happened between friend and guy; again was the baby crying in addition?

Did OP excuse herself: 'nipping to loo, need to change nappy as it is full, but when I am back.'

Just so weird, all of this.

No the baby was not crying, I would not have left her crying,her nappy wasn't really that wet at all

Anyway, I would have immediately removed the new nappy, examine my baby either in his presence or in private room and put on a fresh nappy.

I mean, even if my sis was visiting for a day and she was you, I (woman) wouldn't jump to change the nappy in the 2 mins she would be gone. So on that basis, what he did was unnecessary and wrong.

Nc to respond... Abusers do act in plain sight ime. Dd and ds (nappy wearer) in a house with at least 4 adults and other dc... All I am saying.. This man took a big risk to undress a dc he didn't know... Your mate is fucking stupid. Her dps don't like him you say? They are backing their dd because they don't want her to seem so thick... Never see her again is best op.

Your gut reaction is the one you follow - the guy was totally out of order (and so is your friend) for his actions. Even if he hasn't done anything it's not appropriate for him to be removing clothing from a child he is not related to or caring for.
I was very strict on who changed my DCs nappies because of the intimate nature of it (never went to nursery either).
Definitely follow up - you are involved in safeguarding, you can't ignore!

that's what I was thinking