Me or friend

[Badassbreastfeeder85]

I went to visit my friend (L) with my 12 yo DS and 14 month old DD. Me and L have been friends about 20 years. She's recently had a guy (B) move in with her, she's known him 2 years after he messaged her on FB and they've had an on/off sexual relationship for 2 years,not exclusive and they now work for the same company. Prior to Saturday I've met him briefly 2 or 3 times,he's met my DD once. She had a contact nap and when she woke I went for a wee,I came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy, L was in the kitchen cooking,it's open plan flat but she was busy and had her back to the room. I was stunned,I stayed for a little while longer,on the drive home it bothered me significantly and the next day I messaged to say I found it inappropriate and unnecessary. She has reacted by saying some hurtful things and blocked me.
AIBU

How did he get the new nappy? Did he go into your bag, OP? This is all wildly inappropriate.

This is bang out of order and if your friend can't see that, then she's not a friend at all! To me it feels like he saw an opportunity, for "whatever" reason and swooped in!?! I'm sorry but you're in the right here, that would have really unsettled me to the core. And I wouldn't be going round there again. I'd seriously question my friendship with L too... 🌻

Ah no, I'm a granny and if I thought little one needed changing while mum's out the room for 2 minutes I'd just say so when mum comes back. For a strange man to change her without asking when you are only out the room briefly is beyond weird and inappropriate OP, you are not wrong.

Must have done

What did your friend say? I think you touched a nerve.

No she had woken up, she'd been asleep on me hence me not being able to use the loo till she was awake so I did that first as that was more pressing than a wet nappy imo

Oh 100% it's weird and bizzare but the friends take will be are you saying your baby was subjected to something sinister right infront of me? Inappropriate/weird yep

It's your friend in the wrong, she has said to him her nappy needs changing its full. So he has thought he was helping because she had just told him the nappy needs changing. I dont think for one minute he would have just gone and changed her nappy. However, it was still inappropriate of him, and her. But with your further update I don't see it as anything to worry about given she told him the nappy needs changing.

That's an odd thing to do for sometime you barely know.
Even if it isn't sinister he doesn't have a good sense of appropriate boundaries so I'd be strong clear of him anyway for that reason.
If she wants to take offence and block you for a perfectly ordinary question then... 🤷🏾 Shame, but they seem well suited, and for a 20 year relationship she was quick to bin you off so I don't think the bond is that strong really.
Shame but I wouldn't be letting sleep over it, your instincts to feel uncomfortable with that are spot on

Sorry @Badassbreastfeeder85 I just reread your post and you responded as I was editing it out!

This.

First that she was there so she thought it was fine,she went on to say she trusts him implicitly that he's not a pervert he's only human and was doing right by the baby and apparently he thought I was being lazy and it should have been changed hours ago she then got angrier and said she loves him and she's so angry at me and how I've spoken about him is disgusting, I literally only said it was inappropriate and unnecessary and made me feel uncomfortable, I didn't make accusations or assassinate his character

I think the friend should be asking herself why her partner suddenly decided to change the baby's nappy though.

My best friend has a baby the same age as mine. If I thought she'd done a poo I'd wait until my friend came back from the loo and then say, "I think she's done a poo." If my friend was going to be otherwise occupied a little while (say she was having a shower, or cooking), I'd say, "I think she's done a poo, do you want me to change her?"

I would be inherently distrustful of anyone, particularly a man, who took it upon themselves to change a baby when they hadn't been asked to and when the mother was only gone a matter of minutes. Perhaps he just thought he was being helpful, but there are other, less innocent explanations.

YANBU. Personally I would it as a red flag. The nappy did not need changing and you were around - but he waited for you to leave the room and undressed her.

Man or woman, you don't go changing someone else's child's nappy out the blue ! Your friend is completely in the wrong.

But surely if that babies mother is there you'd leave it to her to change her own baby unless she wasn't able to or had asked for someone else to do it? Why wouldn't u get consent before undressing the baby of someone you don't know who has just stepped out of the room, also he must have gone in my bag to get nappy and wipes etc
I feel uncomfortable that my daughter has been naked and touched by an unknown man

The only reason he might have thought this was ok is if he is trying to show your friend he could be a good daddy?
Maybe he wants a baby with her?

The friend told him the baby's nappy was full and needed changing this wouid of translated to me as change it ( I wouid of refused ) actually I blame the friend

Like I just said it was inappropriate of him, and her. However, I dont think it's the red flag you think it is given that he done it because his partner said the baby needs changing. It's still inappropriate and something he will have learned now, the hard way.

Yeah exactly this.

Yes, definantly wrong to change a baby’s nappy if the mum was there, especially a baby you have just met (and that would be the same for new make or female friend).

I don't think its her place to decide who changes my babies nappy the second I leave the room,I was available to change her myself and as my friend if she thought the nappy absolutely couldn't wait for me to do it then she should have done it herself not a man neither me or my baby know

WTAF!!!!

As a mum who has a baby I would never ever change a babies nappy without permission. Even for my sister or best friend.

Why the actual f is a stranger changing a babies nappy. To be honest I would of said something at the time but it’s easy to say that after isn’t it.

If my friend was on his side I’d ditch my friend too.

I don't think it's her place at all not one bit but from he's perspective as a fairly new partner in hes mind you and her friends of 20 years, assuming she'll have an unofficial auntie role won't of stopped to think about authority roles. Nappy needs changing it's full sounds the same as bin needs putting out ( it's more of a request than statement ) no your friend contributed to this inappropriate situation.

I do wonder, Op if there is a kind of hint of your friend protesting too much here? stuff she has an inkling of but doesn't want to face?