Suitable punishment to cancer slip?

GreigeO · 09/07/2024 16:51

Do not punish your daughter.

Do not send flowers.

This is what happens when adults try and keep secrets from children. The other parent is entirely to blame, not you and definitely not your child.

purpleme12 · 09/07/2024 16:52

I would do nothing.
I don't see how she did anything wrong.
In fact, it's very empathetic of her

FionnulaTheCooler · 09/07/2024 16:55

I don't see any need for punishment. Your daughter only repeated back what the other girl told her in the first place. Bit tactless, but young children aren't known for their social etiquette.

Hadalifeonce · 09/07/2024 16:55

Your daughter has done nothing wrong, please do not punish her.

Venice241 · 09/07/2024 16:56

She's a child.
She was trying to be kind.
The child told her herself.
The mother is wrong to be blaming anyone, but possibly cut her some slack.

Do NOT punish your child.
These things happen when children hear adult conversations.

Wgdici52828 · 09/07/2024 16:56

Your daughter hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s seven - she doesn’t know or understand the intricacies of why adults lie to children. She was trying to be compassionate to her friend with the information she had.

I feel terribly sorry for the other girl’s mother because she is dealing with an awful situation. That said, sharing half truths and partial information with kids is risky for the exact reasons shown by this situation.

I don’t think you should be angry at or punish your daughter. You can discuss it with her and explain in an age appropriate way so that she understands what is happening.

Greenlittecat · 09/07/2024 16:56

I don't think your daughter has done anything wrong and I wouldn't set a consequence for being kind to her friend.

The parents should have either kept completely quiet about it around the children or explained it properly in age-appropriate terms.

I wouldn't send flowers either, I don't think there is anything you need to "apologise " for

Meadowfinch · 09/07/2024 16:57

It's not your DD's fault. She's seven and has no comprehension of the complexity of cancer. Just tell her it isn't polite to discuss the health of people who aren't close friends because they might not like it.

Otherwise, I don't think you need to do anything. You don't know what the prognosis is. He may have an early stage skin cancer that can be removed, or stage 4 liver cancer. Cancer is a very broad term covering hundreds of illnesses, so until you know more, the best thing to do is stay non-committal.

When you see this lady, ask generally how her family are, and if she says fine, just leave it. Or she may want to talk in which case let her offload her worries.

Talipesmum · 09/07/2024 16:58

Yes. Don’t punish your daughter. Her friend clearly knew more than her mum thought she did. Your daughter has been a nice friend to her and offered words of comfort for something that’s making her friend sad, even though neither she nor her friend fully understood what it was. The mum has tried to pretend it didn’t happen and hoped her daughter would forget about it if it was never mentioned again, but unfortunately your daughters friend isn’t likely to just forget.

The mum has now text me saying she's now properly told the kids about the dad purely because if what my daughter has done and she didn't want to lie to them anymore.

The mum is upset and is unfairly blaming your daughter. Don’t get cross with her either (the mum) - she is hurting, worried and sad. It’s hard to know how to respond to this, but I’d try to be as kind as possible - maybe something like “I’m so sorry your husband is ill. I think my daughter was just trying to comfort her friend who was worried - she didn’t really understand either. All our best wishes to all of you”.

Gcsunnyside23 · 09/07/2024 16:58

There's no fault here. There was obviously a conversation had in hearing range of the daughter and that's why she has said it. If she told your daughter she probably had already told her siblings too and at that point the mum should have spoken to them all. But she's in a terrible position, let her misdirect her anger at you wether right or wrong as she's bound to be going through it at the minute. But kids will be kids, your daughter was trying to be empathetic

Ozanj · 09/07/2024 16:58

This is neither of the kids’ faults. It’s the mum’s fault for not telling her daughter the full story. That poor little girl was probably terrified. If it comes up again - just say something like I’m glad the girls are such good friends they can go to each other for support and leave it at that.

Original poster

Nothanksnottoday · 09/07/2024 17:00

Talipesmum · 09/07/2024 16:58

Yes. Don’t punish your daughter. Her friend clearly knew more than her mum thought she did. Your daughter has been a nice friend to her and offered words of comfort for something that’s making her friend sad, even though neither she nor her friend fully understood what it was. The mum has tried to pretend it didn’t happen and hoped her daughter would forget about it if it was never mentioned again, but unfortunately your daughters friend isn’t likely to just forget.

The mum has now text me saying she's now properly told the kids about the dad purely because if what my daughter has done and she didn't want to lie to them anymore.

The mum is upset and is unfairly blaming your daughter. Don’t get cross with her either (the mum) - she is hurting, worried and sad. It’s hard to know how to respond to this, but I’d try to be as kind as possible - maybe something like “I’m so sorry your husband is ill. I think my daughter was just trying to comfort her friend who was worried - she didn’t really understand either. All our best wishes to all of you”.

The mum was quite polite in her text but obviously probably upset and annoyed- I have basically replied as above and apologised.

OP posts:

User7842462 · 09/07/2024 17:01

Firstly, don't punish your daughter for anything. She's only 7!!!

Secondly, the story doesn't even make much sense. So the other girl told your daughter her dad has cancer when they weren't sure what illness he had? The opening sentence makes it sound like your daughter told her friend her own dad (your partner) has cancer. Assuming it's the other dad, why did the other mum emotionally blackmail you by saying your daughter was the reason she had to tell her kids when it was her own daughter who said it in first place? I thought he didn't have cancer? So did it turn out that he actually did and now the other mum is blaming your daughter for making hers feel upset?

Arewealljustloosingtheplot · 09/07/2024 17:01

Please don’t punish your sweet daughter who was just trying to be kind.

it’s the mums fault for not being honest to her kids when everyone else knows. That’s stupid and rubbish for everyone

Original poster

Nothanksnottoday · 09/07/2024 17:01

Meadowfinch · 09/07/2024 16:57

It's not your DD's fault. She's seven and has no comprehension of the complexity of cancer. Just tell her it isn't polite to discuss the health of people who aren't close friends because they might not like it.

Otherwise, I don't think you need to do anything. You don't know what the prognosis is. He may have an early stage skin cancer that can be removed, or stage 4 liver cancer. Cancer is a very broad term covering hundreds of illnesses, so until you know more, the best thing to do is stay non-committal.

When you see this lady, ask generally how her family are, and if she says fine, just leave it. Or she may want to talk in which case let her offload her worries.

Unfortunately it's very clear it's very serious and the dad is extremely unwell (I saw him on the school run) so I think it is very serious.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nothanksnottoday · 09/07/2024 17:03

Arewealljustloosingtheplot · 09/07/2024 17:01

Please don’t punish your sweet daughter who was just trying to be kind.

it’s the mums fault for not being honest to her kids when everyone else knows. That’s stupid and rubbish for everyone

Thank you all

Maybe I need to change my mindset as my first thought was to really punish her in some way for this. I told her not to mention it and she has - she is very intelligent even if she is 7 so I'm upset she's gone against this. She can be a little bit sly and would think to say 'sorry he's ill' as a way of still talking about it and would then say 'but I was just being nice' which is why I'm annoyed. But I'm not picking her up for another 30 mins so I'll think about how to speak to her about this until then.

OP posts:

ButtSurgery · 09/07/2024 17:05

So your DD was told this by the other child? Does the woman know that?

Do not make your DD apologise or feel bad, she did a nice thing. How was she to know?

Citrusandginger · 09/07/2024 17:06

Exactly as PP have said. I was told something about myself in the playground that adults should definitely have told me first - so I'm 100% of the view that you shouldn't lie to children by omission.

But for whatever reason the other mum isn't able to think like this - yet. She may still be trying to get her own head around it or she may genuinely believe it is better not to tell her DD. Either way, while I'm sure you can empathise with her, your daughter shouldn't be punished for trying to support her friend.

I think I would explain that the Mum is feeling sad and worried, and that it is never wrong to be kind to our friends.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/07/2024 17:10

Your dd did nothing wrong and shouldn't be punished. She was clearly trying to be empathetic and supportive.

Personally, I'm always in favour of honesty, transparency and sharing information openly with children in an age-appropriate way, so I wouldn't have tried to hide the diagnosisfrom my dc. However, I'm not up for judging anyone who finds themselves in that desperately difficult situation and chooses to do things differently - it isn't always easy to think straight when you're still coming to terms with something yourself.

In this scenario, it sounds like the dc had cottoned on to more than the parents realised - perhaps because they had overheard conversations that weren't intended for their ears. It happens.

You definitely don't need to send flowers. Just apologise if your dd has inadvertently said anything out of turn, and if you want to be supportive, offer to help out in any way that you can, e.g. with childcare etc.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 09/07/2024 17:15

The other woman has had to tell her kids now because her daughter spoke to yours, who was empathetic enough to offer comfort.

Should the woman bring it up again be gentle with her, kids talk, neither child did anything wrong.

But do not blame your daughter or let anyone else do so. Nor the other child.

This is something adults did by not addressing the issue in good time. Again, not anyone's fault, just fucking horrible circumstances.

Oreganoandsage · 09/07/2024 17:16

You told your daughter on that basis not to mention it again and even if the girl brings it up just change the subject or not say anything. But today she went up to this girl and said something along the lines of 'I'm sorry your dad has cancer' and this upset the girl.

I'm sorry but if my child disregarded my express instructions, I would punish her.

PumpkinPie2016 · 09/07/2024 17:19

Your daughter has done nothing wrong.
Her friend told her the information (so likely she has heard her parents discussing it, even if they didn't tell her).

Your daughter has then just said she was sorry to hear that, to the friend.

The family will understandably be going through an awful time, but they should have sat the kids down and explained properly. All of this could then have been avoided.

waterrat · 09/07/2024 17:19

I think it's dangerous and wrong to ask children to keep secrets.

Even if your daughter was being a bit 'sly' - and wanted to keep talking about it - she is very young and may have had complex motives - wanting to check in on her friend, being interested and curious in what was going on that the adults were so worked up about

It just isn't on her to handle something like this - I don't think your daughter should have to bear any sort of burden about this - please dont tell her that the mum did or said anything 'because ' of your child

It's obiouvsly ridiculous to suggest the mum did this 'because' of a 7 year old.

She should have done it earlier - but of course she is in a traumatic situation - so no criticism of her but we also don't need to point blame at a small child .

KreedKafer · 09/07/2024 17:20

The mum then explained to me and my daughter that she was shocked her daughter said this as she definitely doesn't know what illness he has and they haven't told the kids until he has a proper diagnosis and knows what stage etc it is

The mum in this case is being naive. She may think she's kept the diagnosis from her children, but children aren't stupid. They overhear things, they pick up on clues, they see letters or phone messages when you think they're not looking, and all their spidey-senses start tingling when something's up.

I also suspect that most seven-year-olds know a bit more about cancer is than you might imagine. It's constantly in the news, there are TV ads for cancer charities all the time, and it's only recently been announced that the King and Kate Middleton both have it. They will have heard about this stuff. Kids talk about this stuff together. They might not know the biology behind it but I definitely think most kids know that cancer is a potentially terminal disease that needs a lot of hospital treatment.

(When I was a child, I worked out my mum had cancer about a week before anyone told me, by the way.)

Your daughter hasn't done anything wrong. Her friend already knew her dad had cancer, and your daughter hasn't revealed anything further. Honestly, don't punish your daughter. I'd just leave it.

hendoop · 09/07/2024 17:23

Its fine. Honestly. These things happen- not your child fault and do not reprimand.
Her intention was kindness treat it as such