Suitable punishment to cancer slip?

[Nothanksnottoday]

My daughter today has told a friend at school that her dad has cancer.

My daughter doesn't know what cancer is but knows its an illness thats all (they're 7) but has told me (and told the mum when we were chatting one day about this and I was offering help with childcare) that this girl has told her 'my dad has cancer' and got upset at school.

The mum then explained to me and my daughter that she was shocked her daughter said this as she definitely doesn't know what illness he has and they haven't told the kids until he has a proper diagnosis and knows what stage etc it is.

I told my daughter on that basis not to mention it again and even if the girl brings it up just change the subject or not say anything. But today she's gone up to this girl and said something along the lines of 'I'm sorry your dad has cancer' and this upset the girl. The mum has now text me saying she's now properly told the kids about the dad purely because if what my daughter has done and she didn't want to lie to them anymore.

I feel terrible and I'm angry but I know my daughter only knew it in the first place because the other girl mentioned it originally but either way I'm upset and annoyed.

What should I do now? How would you punish your child for this? Should I send flowers or something? I have autism and ADHD so I struggle with this sort of thing. Thanks in advance.

I think OP thinks her daughter has understood that she is not meant to tell the other little girl, and the reasons why she shouldn't, but told her anyway to upset her/cause drama.

Is that right OP? If I have it wrong I sincerely apologise.

If that IS the case then, while " punishment" may not be ideal, certainly some form of very serious conversation with your dd is needed.

And my DD at 7 would have been perfectly capable of understanding the emotional complexity of the situation and why she had been asked not to say anything. If she had said something she would have done it in a pretty full awareness of the harm she is doing. Some 7 year olds are more emotionally sophisticated than others (for good or ill).

I’m horrified that the OP wants to really punish her, you consider her ‘sly’, poor child.
I think you seriously need to look at the damage you’re inflicting on her before you start looking for ways to punish her.
If anyone is at fault it’s the other child’s mother ffs. Your DD was doing her best, I imagine, to console her friend, not deliberately defying your orders.

Please don't do this.

FFS

SHe's 7!

She doesn't need punished. The other child clearly knows and has heard more than her mother realises. Your child tried to show compassion, after being told this information by that child. That child now being upset by the I formation they've passed on isnt a fault on your daughters side

But the other little girl already knew - she was the one who told OP's DD to begin with

You could point out to your DD that (1) the parents have required to share info with the children before they were ready, and (2) this has caused distress, all because your DD ignored your advice about how to handle the situation

And let that sink in

But I wouldn't impose any other punishment, especially taking away an iPad, which has nothing to do with the incident. Better if any punishment is related to the behaviour

What grown up secret? Her friend already knew.

This is what happens when adults lie to their children about serious issues. It's not the fault of a 7yo. It's the fault of the parents.

She doesn't need punishing, ffs. She's SEVEN. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

You can ask your daughter why she spoke about something she was told not to mention but I'm not sure you can really expect a 7 year old to understand this.

I wouldn't take away an ipad or no movie night but it's important that she learns that not everything is about her.

She forced someone else into an uncomfortable situation that she had no reason to do so.

Yes she's 7 but 7 is old enough to understand that just because you're curious or feeling empathetic, doesn't mean to say you go and launch your feelings at someone.

Sometimes our feelings have to stay private and that's OK.

Especially if she's been told NOT to say something and then goes ahead and says something anyway.

That's not right and she needs to understand that the DM was very upset because it forced her to explain something she may not be ready to explain. Someone is going to die very close to her and she may not have been ready to share that with her children.

Sometimes it's not all about us and what we think and feel. Sometimes we need to put others' feelings first.

It's worrying that your first thought is to punish your daughter.

How sad.

is this a troll . You have to be . Severely punish a child for being a child?. I’m an adult and let things slip. My dad let something slip the other day . It’s human nature. My god people question why I gentle parent? It so my kids never grow up feeling afraid to even speak. You have a kind compassionate child. Be proud of her. Don’t punish her at all.

Do not punish your daughter . She’s too young to understand this and she was told my the daughter anyway . The daughter had clearly heard adult conversations . Your daughter is showing empathy by saying “ I’m sorry your dad has cancer “ which is lovely at a young age .

Very mean of the mother to blame your 7 year old daughter .

This feels like an insanely complicated situation created by adults for two confused 7 year olds. The friend knew, your daughter didn’t tell her anything. If a friend tells you something worrying or sad, the natural response is to check in sympathetically. Asking a child not too based on reasoning that I can’t actually follow here (as the info came directly from the friend..) is settling them up for failure and upset.

No punishment due. I can imagine either of my DNs (6 and 8) saying something like this, because they're kind, empathetic kids. And would have wanted to support their friend. I don't see any harmful intent at all.

Yes this is exactly it. Thank you

Just seen the update . I’m confused - did your DD know that the other girls dad had cancer and tell her , when the other little girl didn’t know ? If so , how did your DD know ?

Please don’t punish your daughter. This is a situation created by adults mishandling things. Even if you think your daughter was motivated by a wish to stir things up (and I’m not sure how you know that) that’s because she’s 7 and has been put in an inappropriate position by adults deciding that half-truths are an appropriate way to deal with something so serious. Just leave it alone.

I also don’t understand how your DD was able to “tell” the other girl, if the information came from the other girl in the first place. That doesn’t make any sense.

Did the information actually come from you OP?

As someone who teaches in this age group, it doesn't matter how 'emotionally mature' people think their children are. A massive secret like this affects children and spins around in their little heads. I don't think parents realise how much comes out at school that parents have told their young children are 'secrets' or what children hear at home that comes out when they're trying to process it. Add 'empathy' to the mix, and this little girl was likely feeling very sad and sorry for her friend's sadness and fears, and out come the sympathetic words people were trying to stomp on.

It happens. It's not malicious. It just is. And punishing her for it would be wrong. Talking to her quietly about why the other girl and her mother are now upset is one thing; punishing is quite another.

She hasnt done anything wrong.

But your DD's friend already knew

She's seven - she wanted to comfort her friend. You're expecting way, way too much from her. Please don't punish her.

I would lean into it - talk to your daughter about it, the feelings, the emotions - she might have questions about what is going on

You'd never punish a 7 year old?! For anything?

Not for something like this, absolutely not.

By your own admission she doesn't understand cancer or the severity/sensitivity of what's happening. She just wanted to comfort her friend.