Suitable punishment to cancer slip?

[Nothanksnottoday]

My daughter today has told a friend at school that her dad has cancer.

My daughter doesn't know what cancer is but knows its an illness thats all (they're 7) but has told me (and told the mum when we were chatting one day about this and I was offering help with childcare) that this girl has told her 'my dad has cancer' and got upset at school.

The mum then explained to me and my daughter that she was shocked her daughter said this as she definitely doesn't know what illness he has and they haven't told the kids until he has a proper diagnosis and knows what stage etc it is.

I told my daughter on that basis not to mention it again and even if the girl brings it up just change the subject or not say anything. But today she's gone up to this girl and said something along the lines of 'I'm sorry your dad has cancer' and this upset the girl. The mum has now text me saying she's now properly told the kids about the dad purely because if what my daughter has done and she didn't want to lie to them anymore.

I feel terrible and I'm angry but I know my daughter only knew it in the first place because the other girl mentioned it originally but either way I'm upset and annoyed.

What should I do now? How would you punish your child for this? Should I send flowers or something? I have autism and ADHD so I struggle with this sort of thing. Thanks in advance.

I think this poster and a few others have misunderstood my original post.

I wouldn't punish her but I would tell her that her bringing it up again has upset her friend . I wouldn't be telling her to change the subject though if her friend talks to her about it.

The mum was probably just trying to get to the end of term before telling her what was happinging but unfortunately she seems to have already picked up on it

The little girl told my DD a month or so ago that her dad had cancer. That's the only reason my DD knew the word and asked me about it.

But the mum is convinced her daughter didn't actually know he had cancer for some reason and was shocked she'd used that word to my DD and so asked my DD not to say anything about it further until after she had told them properly once he had a full diagnosis (in the next week or so) I echoed that with my daughter and said don't talk about it (only for around a week or so)

It's bonkers to punish her. The other parents are being unreasonable, they're understandably going through a lot and it's hard, but your daughter hasn't done anything wrong, it's wrong to blame her for a difficult conversation they had to have with their child. It was always going to be a difficult conversation, they could just as well blame their own child for starting it, but of course they should blame neither, as they're children. If the parents don't even know how to navigate this, how can they expect faultless behaviour from 7 year olds? A classmate told your daughter her father had cancer. Your daughter then told said classmate she was sorry her father had cancer. I struggle to see how that's the wrong thing to do.

Sounds like a good resolution and a relief for you that she didn't say it with the intention of stirring up drama.

@Nothanksnottoday this is so close to what happened to my family! Other family refused to believe their child would have shared the information so in my scenario blamed me and my husband! The other family seem to think your daughter went out of her way to mention this and that wasn’t the case at all. It came up in conversation and, though I do think kids can like drama and holding some power, some situations are more nuanced and difficult for children to understand. When you mention your daughter trying to put right the upset she caused, I don’t think she was the cause of the upset, the child was upset already and the other child mentioned hospital.

Despite what she's been told to do/not do, maybe your daughter thought that the better thing to do, when told such news, was to express sympathy to the person who told her. She's not wrong really is she?

Why would you punish your daughter? For what and what for?

Your 7 year old daughter has done absolutely NOTHING wrong
Let it rest

I think it's been said enough that no, you shouldn't punish your DD. She was trying to comfort her friend.

The mum shouldn't be annoyed with you either. When my sister had cancer her children were young I think 6 to 10 yrs ish. She told them in a child appropriate way because she knew children listen to things and worried they would hear it in a bad way first

If your 7 year old daughter is ‘sly’ OP then you made her like that.

You have totally missed the mark on this situation so please consider that your daughter isn’t ‘sly’ it’s just that you read her wrong.

Don’t do anything. They are 7 for goodness sake! The mum should know better

Not your daughter's fault they were keeping secrets and clearly weren't discreet enough about it. Do not punish your child for being kind.

It sounds like the parents have been trying to keep it from their DCs (understandably) and have failed. DCs are very good at picking up on things that we think we have kept secret.

This is not their fault, but it's certainly not your DDs fault either, especially if she heard about it from her friend. It must be piling extra pressure on the other family but punishing your DD will not help,

Don't punish her but a talk about the bad things in life and when we need to keep our own counsel. She sounds like a kind little being FWIW, just needs a bit of an explanation about timing.

Your child has done nothing wrong. Please don't punish. They might not talk to you so openly in the future or start to worry about keeping quiet or second guessing. The other parent, painful though their situation is, is the one in the wrong here as she should have been transparent (although it must be a terribly difficult situation).

She's 7

Far too young to have that kind of knowledge and keep it to herself

And she was showing empathy to her friend.

I think the mum needs to apologise to the girls.

1. Your daughter only knew the other girl's dad had cancer because the girl had told her
2. The mum is blaming a child for not being careful, when she or her husband slipped up first
3. She is trying to control how the girls cope with the news without thinking about what is best for them.
4. Basically the mum is trying to blame her huge horrible mess on a kid. The mum is going through a lot, but she is too old to be this nasty to a 7 year old. Hopefully now she knows the girls know she'll calm down and appreciate your child and you being helpful to the family, maybe she'd even like some practical support from you.

Your daughter sounds like a lovely girl and she has done nothing wrong. Neither has the poor little girl whose Dad is so ill. The mother is obviously in a terrible situation but she shouldn't be blaming your daughter for anything.

I think you should rethink your whole parenting ethos!

Exactly.

Don’t make this into a big and confusing thing for your poor daughter.

I personally don’t like to hear people planning formal ‘punishment’ for a 7 year old, and describing her as ‘sly’ sounds awful.

I totally agree with your précis however, when I was in a similar situation, the way the truth comes out doesn’t lend itself to a clear examination and presentation of the facts and there isn’t an opportunity to go back to the other parents with this logical explanation. I think OP needs to support her own child and the. just move on however unjust that is due to the position the other family are in. An extended email exchange with a woman whose husband is critically ill will not end well.

FFS.

Punish her?

WTF.

She's done nothing wrong. Punishment in this context is completely inappropriate.

Kids being punished for adult's hang ups and guilt is just shit.

I really feel sorry for the other little girl too for trying to cope with this on her own. She must have picked up not just the possibility of the cancer, her father’s physical changes but also the fact that it was secretive and not to be discussed in her family. She told her school friend rather than approach her parents to ask.

It must have been very stressful for that little girl and she definitely had to tell someone and that happened to be your DD who is also inexperienced with secrets as well. Kids like that have little concepts of parents dying and realistically it’s hard for a kid of that age to keep it inside.

The other thing is that teaching kids dysfunctional ways of managing secrets could lead to increased susceptibility to problems in adult relationships later in life.

And thereby send a message that it’s wrong to be kind and sympathetic. OK then.

Oh no please don't punish her as that will only teach her not to be empathetic in future. They are only 7. The mum of the friend is undoubtedly under immense stress so cut her a lot of slack and behave normally around the little girl and her mum. If you must, apologise yourself briefly next time you see her but keep it brief. Maybe you could offer support and move on by having the little girl for tea sometimes, play dates etc?