Suitable punishment to cancer slip?

[Nothanksnottoday]

My daughter today has told a friend at school that her dad has cancer.

My daughter doesn't know what cancer is but knows its an illness thats all (they're 7) but has told me (and told the mum when we were chatting one day about this and I was offering help with childcare) that this girl has told her 'my dad has cancer' and got upset at school.

The mum then explained to me and my daughter that she was shocked her daughter said this as she definitely doesn't know what illness he has and they haven't told the kids until he has a proper diagnosis and knows what stage etc it is.

I told my daughter on that basis not to mention it again and even if the girl brings it up just change the subject or not say anything. But today she's gone up to this girl and said something along the lines of 'I'm sorry your dad has cancer' and this upset the girl. The mum has now text me saying she's now properly told the kids about the dad purely because if what my daughter has done and she didn't want to lie to them anymore.

I feel terrible and I'm angry but I know my daughter only knew it in the first place because the other girl mentioned it originally but either way I'm upset and annoyed.

What should I do now? How would you punish your child for this? Should I send flowers or something? I have autism and ADHD so I struggle with this sort of thing. Thanks in advance.

And she said oh yes she was upset. Basically explained that they were all in the toilets and another girl said 'X's dad is in the hospital' and another girl said 'why' and my daughter whispered to her 'he's got cancer'

Hang on!!! If I've read this right, your DD only had to comfort the other child because your DD told another girl about the cancer, and this third girl then announced it to the world. That was not your DD's news to impart and she should have kept quiet. I'm afraid she wouldn't be getting cuddles from me after that. It does rather sound like your DD wants to make it all about her, something you said earlier was a possibility.

So, she let it slip in a situation wherein other girls started the conversation about the Dad being in hospital. A mistake.
Then, went to let a teacher know the girl of said Dad was upset? That shows care and maturity.
And, yet the word 'punish' came to your mind.
Jesus...

That’s a hell of a lot of complex emotional stuff for your 7yo to handle. I have a socially mature 8yo and she wouldn’t know how to deal with this at all. We have recently had a family bereavement and some of her friends have been particularly good at helping her at school when she’s been sad but they are doing it in a way that shows they are very much still children- ie let’s find you a cuddly toy or we’ll play a game to distract you.

All of the adults here have expected too much of a child. She knows her friend’s dad is sick, she’s seen her friend upset, been asked to keep something secret that she probably doesn’t really understand all the complexities. It is obviously a hard time for the other mother but she can’t be blaming a 7yo for having to break bad news. Children overhear and pick up so much that we think they don’t. The other little girl will have most likely known something was wrong for a while.

I didn't say actively encourage or to keep bringing it up.....there is a big difference between saying a flat out DO NOT SPEAK and gently discussing illness and emotions with your own child and saying if X is feeling sad and starts talking listen to her being kind etc. The post is saying the mum wants her to shut the conversation down.
As I said I've had lots of experience with bereavement in childhood and paternal illnesses resulting in long term stays in hospitals, ongoing cancer treatments etc. the worst thing anyone can do is tell a child to ignore, change subjects or pretend. The mother is deluded if she thought her daughter wasn't aware something serious was going on and imagination is worse than a level of truth appropriate to understanding

Both children need to understand (as do many adults) cancer has many outcomes it's not an automatic death sentence or necessarily months of throwing up it sounds like it hasn't been explained in an appropriate way ....daddy is ill the doctors are trying to find out why so they can give him treatment yes cancer is a possibility but most cancers are treatable ....if cancer is mentioned.....

Do not punish your daughter for trying to support her friend.

Children aren’t stupid and in the absence of adult support they will try access support where they can find it.

Talk to your daughter and help her to support her friend.

It’s not actually kind to talk to someone about something you’ve been told they don’t want to talk about though. One of my colleague’s lost her dad to cancer. She had quite a lot of time off, and before she came back we were told that she’d rather we didn’t mention it and just carried on as normal- so we didn’t, because those were her wishes.

I don’t think the OP’s daughter should be punished. She’s very young to understand and she made an error of judgement- but I do think she needs to be helped to understand that sometimes people don’t want to talk about things, for whatever reason, and you need to respect that and not go off and do your own thing.

Your seven year-old is not at fault The other mother not telling the age appropriate truth is the problem!

Do not punish your daughter. She hasn’t done anything wrong. The other mother is taking her upset out on you and your daughter. It’s a sad situation but they are kids and the mother should have been more careful to shelter her daughter from the news if she didn’t want it discussed

This is not your daughter's fault, she is a child the child in question clealry ahs heard something and already knew. That's down to the parents who kept it from her not your daughter.

I don't think you should reprimand your daughter as she is only seven. This clearly a very grown up subject.

Why the hell would you punish your child for expressing sympathy to her friend.

I'm confused who told your daughter?

Did the girl tell your daughter?

If she doesn't want kids to know she has to not tell all the other kids - she is the one that told your dd so this is her own fault - 7 year old don't understand sufficiently. Send flowers and sympathise but your dd has done nothing wrong imo

I found it concerning that you wanted to “really punish” your child for this and came on Mumsnet for ideas. I find it even more concerning that you think a 7 year old child has the capacity of being sly. Please take a good look at yourself and the way in which you see your child.

Punish??? FFS NO! these are 7 year old children.

Do not punish children for the mistakes of the adults.
And do not try to coerce children to be respectful of half truths, lies etc.
I was seven when someone did this to me and THE GUILT continues for decades

Wow. You’re wildly inappropriate for even suggesting punishing her. If you didn’t want her to tell people then don’t tell her. She’s 7 not 17. I’m autistic with adhd and just cant fathom in any way why you’d even think about punishing her. Emotional abuse at its finest to punish her.

Honestly don’t punish your daughter - she was being compasssionate, even if it was a bit misguided. She’s only 7 and probably didn’t really understand the whole ‘don’t mention it again’ given that her friend already knew (in her eyes). When I was first diagnosed, and my youngest (then 6) was a bit upset about it, one of the boys in his class at school overheard him talking to his teacher about it, and then went off and said to a group of other children that “Peter’s mum has cancer because of XYZ” (I’m not going to put the exact reason he gave as it was absolutely vile and not even something a 5 or 6 year old should know the words for!). Luckily the horrible child was talking to a group of my son’s friends who immediately sobbed him in to the teacher and he was very much in trouble. All of my son’s friends have been lovely to him (we are now 3.5 years into the cancer journey and I am still in active treatment).

So, I think you should praise your daughter for being kind and caring about her friend. That’s the most important bit of what has happened - her friend clearly knew anyway as she was the one who mentioned it first. That being said, sending flowers or biscuits or something to the family will be very much appreciated. My boys loved getting gifts in the post and bringing them to me in bed to open, and I am very lucky that everyone from friends to random school mums were kind and generous with offers of help etc.

Why do you feel you should be punishing your child for anything? Why don't you just correct her and move on?

You don’t need to punish her.

how did she find out?

honestly she’s done what 7 years old do

She has emotional intelligence

Your daughter has shown kindness and empathy and should not be punished for this. It’s not her fault that she knows as her friend told her anyway, it’s the fault of the parent for keeping it from her daughter. Unfortunately, kids overhear things and are far more knowing than we give them credit for. Your daughter sounds wonderful which is a testament to you so there is absolutely no need to speak to your daughter about this or to send flowers or apologise.

Your daughter has done nothing wrong, her own mother lied to her and now it's come and bit her in the arse. Your daughter was just trying to be nice

I don’t see how ADHD has anything to do with this, but but your daughter was simply being a good friend. I’d leave it at that.