Suitable punishment to cancer slip?

[Nothanksnottoday]

My daughter today has told a friend at school that her dad has cancer.

My daughter doesn't know what cancer is but knows its an illness thats all (they're 7) but has told me (and told the mum when we were chatting one day about this and I was offering help with childcare) that this girl has told her 'my dad has cancer' and got upset at school.

The mum then explained to me and my daughter that she was shocked her daughter said this as she definitely doesn't know what illness he has and they haven't told the kids until he has a proper diagnosis and knows what stage etc it is.

I told my daughter on that basis not to mention it again and even if the girl brings it up just change the subject or not say anything. But today she's gone up to this girl and said something along the lines of 'I'm sorry your dad has cancer' and this upset the girl. The mum has now text me saying she's now properly told the kids about the dad purely because if what my daughter has done and she didn't want to lie to them anymore.

I feel terrible and I'm angry but I know my daughter only knew it in the first place because the other girl mentioned it originally but either way I'm upset and annoyed.

What should I do now? How would you punish your child for this? Should I send flowers or something? I have autism and ADHD so I struggle with this sort of thing. Thanks in advance.

This is the route I'm going to take thanks. Depending on her answers I'll decide if I need to do anything more but for all the gentle parents (and others who said it was wrong to punish her for blabbing) I won't be punishing her. Worst case I might get her to make a card or something for the girl to say sorry if she upset her.

You know your dd. We had something similar when we had kids from Ukraine join our class. My ds saw the news and asked what was happening and could he say sorry to the little boy. But I knew the sorry was more for himself than for the little boy. So told him to say nothing and that saying anything would more than likely upset his friend.

If I were you I'd ask her what happened. I'd ask her if she remembered the conversation you had previously had. Why does she think you asked her not to bring it up. What happened when she brought it up etc.

I'm a little bit confused from the Op. So this is what I think happened:

Op's dd told Op that her friend said "my dad has cancer" later she also told friend's mum. Obviously we only have that from the dd. It could be "I think..." or "I'm worried that..."

Friend's mum says that she hadn't said anything because they don't have a diagnosis yet.
Friend feels that she has to tell her children everything (which may be that cancer is one option, not that he has it)

Op tells her dd not to talk about it.

Op's dd says to friend "sorry your dad has cancer."

Actually, totally against the grain, I don't think the dd is totally innocent.
She'd gone to her mum to talk about it (fair enough), but then telling friend's mum as well seems a little direct.

Friend's mum may well have told the children he was ill, but not all the details because they're waiting to find out more and they are hoping they can give definite details rather than a "might/maybe/worst/best..." scenario. That's perfectly reasonable. She hasn't lied to the children or deliberately kept it from them as some people have said. I mean I had a test this time last year under 2ww and the only person I told was dh because if it wasn't cancer then I didn't want to worry people for nothing, and if it was then I'd rather have known more about it so I could tell people more definite treatment etc.

But the going to the friend and saying "sorry your dad has cancer." That was unnecessary. It doesn't sound like she was trying to be kind and empathetic as people are saying. She's been told specifically not to talk about it, and she's 7yo. That's old enough to understand you don't say things. We don't know the context, but I'd expect "sorry your dad is ill" if she wanted to say something. And she's now brought the subject up three times.

Op, I don't think you need to punish, but I would have a conversation with her about respecting what other people want to talk about and in such circumstances waiting for the other person to take the lead.

No punishments but discussions on what her friend needs right now from your her and you to give support to your daughter x

When you tell a child not to do something, you run the risk of them focussing on that very thing & they will do the opposite!
I agree she's not done anything wrong. She's just a kid, tell her It's nice she wants thinking about her friend but she's obviously upset so focus on being kind to her friend, (including her in games etc)

Not a troll - normal mum here! If someone explicitly told you not to mention this subject to a certain person and you let slip (intentionally or not - im yet to find out as i havent spoken to her about it yet) you'd be expecting no action at all? No response just a shrug and move on? I don't think that's instilling anything good into children. But also when I said punish her I meant skip a movie night or something- nothing terrifying.

Absolutely this. Sounds like your daughter was doing her best to be a caring friend. It’s very difficult when you’re going through something as serious as something that could be cancer to always react rationally to things. No need to punish your daughter. Perhaps explain to her that you know she was being kind and people don’t always react the way you expect when they’re upset.

Give your child a big hug.

Her friend's parent is being crazy.

What will they say if the worst happens? Daddy's gone out for a walk?

This is exactly it thank you for clearing it up.

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she did mean it kindly today but once I've spoken to her about it shortly I'll know if it was intentional or not. That will then determine if I 'tell her off' or just talk to her about it. When I say tell her off I don't mean screaming and shouting by the way before someone misinterprets me!

I'm not clear why you would punish her - she's not actually done anything wrong beyond maybe being less tactful than you would have liked... She's 7. Navigating the cancer diagnosis of a friend's loved one can be tricky when you're 27, let alone in primary school.

Give her a hug, give her support and space to ask you the hundreds of potentially distressing questions that could be on her mind, and then, only then, have a chat about how she can be there for her friend in an age-appropriate way.

I mean this kindly but I cannot tell you how many patients of mine (therapist) tell me stories about being "really punished" (I know you didnt over this but the instinct was there) for things like this or have to build their self esteem because of their parents accusing them of being things like "sly" when they were too little to understand what they were doing. There are various resources out there for parents with things like ADHD/autism to help you with this. Please look into them. No harm done today but just so you feel more confident to make a healthy decision next time.

Your text is nice and appropriate. Don’t punish your DD but I would ask why she went and brought it up the second time when you’d asked her not to.

So...the friend already knows her dad has cancer, and told your daughter, who then said "I'm sorry your dad has cancer" and now somehow your daughter is in the wrong? Have I got that right?

Don't write a sorry card to the girl.

Again it's making it all about you.

I think the message still didn't get through to you.

This is none of your business. Your DD or yours. This is a family dealing with imminent death in a unimaginably horrible way.

And yes she does deserve to be told in no uncertain terms that she should not have done this. She's old enough to learn that not everything is about her.

Some people want to grieve privately, deal with things privately, tell a diagnosis in their own time. She has forced this situation when specifically told NOT to.

Having just lost my DM to cancer I have to say I'd be pretty pissed off about this. Life is fucking awful when someone close has cancer and you know you're going to lose them very soon. You are beside yourself with worry and your life is turned upside down.

Everyone going on about lying to people and oh they shouldn't lie to kids. Literally Do One would you?

Until you go through it yourself you won't know how you handle it.

Everyone is entitled to grieve and deal with illness in their own way.

Your DD needs to understand someone is going to die and it's not about her and it's not about you.

It's about what that person who is going through that shit, needs right now. and what that person wanted was privacy and explaining this on her own timeline, not your DDs.

You've said you feel terrible and angry about your daughters comment.

Then you've said you are thinking about how to "punish" her.

She was honest and open about it and told you exactly what happened. She's still learning what to say or what not to say in difficult situations. There are so many stories of people bravely battling illness and fundraising etc etc, Children will see these things.

Are you angry because you are embarrassed? You had to apologise to the other mum and you did. She's probably more focused on her husband and children than what you and your daughter think. Her own daughter clearly knew something was up and needed her Mum to tell her what was going on and she did that. Your daughter didn't force the issue, her child was clearly trying to work out how to deal with it. Now her mum is helping her.
In anycase you've said he appears seriously ill so you daughter won't be the only one asking questions and the mum deciding to speak to her child was timely.

Does your daughter really deserve to be "punished" it seems completely over the top and unfair to think of dealing with her in those terms? Perhaps you should get over your embarrassment and not put the situation on your daughter. Its clearly a situation where she needs a bit of calm discussion and educating, not telling off or she may not confide in you so easily next time.

@HazelLion yes but op them told her Dd not to talk about it anymore and she went up to the girl and said it again.

A punishment for using a word to explain a concept that she is really too little and immature to understand. Jesus wept! No OP, what you need to do is sit her down and explain to her what cancer means, how it is a horrid scary disease and how we must all be there and be kind to the other child and her mum while her dad is poorly.

Punish her? Don’t be ridiculous. She’s 7. You might feel cross and embarrassed but that’s not your daughter’s fault. Just leave it.

Worst case I might get her to make a card or something for the girl to say sorry if she upset her.

Isn’t this just repeating the “offence”? Sorry I upset you by saying I was sorry your dad has cancer.

Just leave it alone.

Punish her for offering support to her friend? Absolutely don't do this.

So the wee friend was upset as she'd overheard something at home and found out her dad has cancer.

Your daughter although being told to keep her mouth shut replied and said she was sorry about the cancer.

The mum is now blaming your daughter for spilling the beans and doesn't appear to realise it was her own daughter that likely overheard her at home and that's where the leak came from!

They must all be really upset so I wouldn't be harsh on them. But if the mum gave me some rubbish about it being my child's fault I'd gently remind her it came from her child overhearing something in her own house. Nothing to do with my daughter who only did the polite respectful thing of offering comfort AFTER the girl mentioned it and was upset.

Meanwhile I'd tell your daughter that she did nothing wrong but prob best to not talk about the dad and his illness any more as it's his private business.

There's no need for flowers or anything. Certainly no punishment. The whole things been a misunderstanding by the sound of it.

But I do hope the dad recovers. Miracles still happen.

"Really punish her"

Maybe go speak to someone about your own parenting before you end up traumatising your daughter

Agree with the above poster - the other mum is ignoring the fact that her daughter was the one initially to say she thought her dad had cancer. The mum then put her head in the sand and ignored this, saying they hadn't mentioned cancer to the girl but clearly she'd picked it up from somewhere. It would have surely made more sense for the mum to then speak with her daughter and understand where she had picked it up from, explain not 100% sure yet etc.

Your daughter shouldn't have mentioned it if you told her not to and may have been doing it to be kind or for a bit of drama but either way I don't think it is her fault as she was just repeating something back!

I'm far from a gentle parent and completely mystified by this approach. She has misunderstood the situation because she is 7!!

This. The DD was told not to talk about it, so imo she HAS done something wrong.