Suitable punishment to cancer slip?

[Nothanksnottoday]

My daughter today has told a friend at school that her dad has cancer.

My daughter doesn't know what cancer is but knows its an illness thats all (they're 7) but has told me (and told the mum when we were chatting one day about this and I was offering help with childcare) that this girl has told her 'my dad has cancer' and got upset at school.

The mum then explained to me and my daughter that she was shocked her daughter said this as she definitely doesn't know what illness he has and they haven't told the kids until he has a proper diagnosis and knows what stage etc it is.

I told my daughter on that basis not to mention it again and even if the girl brings it up just change the subject or not say anything. But today she's gone up to this girl and said something along the lines of 'I'm sorry your dad has cancer' and this upset the girl. The mum has now text me saying she's now properly told the kids about the dad purely because if what my daughter has done and she didn't want to lie to them anymore.

I feel terrible and I'm angry but I know my daughter only knew it in the first place because the other girl mentioned it originally but either way I'm upset and annoyed.

What should I do now? How would you punish your child for this? Should I send flowers or something? I have autism and ADHD so I struggle with this sort of thing. Thanks in advance.

@Nothanksnottoday I once had a slightly similar situation with DS. He had a friend who had been born without sight in one eye. One day, around the same age, DS mentioned to the friend that he was ‘half blind’. This was meant as a factual statement ( not sure what it was in relation to) but his mother contacted me really quite annoyed and implied that DS was being spiteful and mean.

Young children don’t get social niceties. Perhaps explain that while it’s nice to be kind to her friend, she should just follow the lead of her friend and not specifically say too much. Otherwise it could easily become, ‘I’m sorry your dad is going to die.’

I think it was too big an ask of your very young daughter, and shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted given the other child had already brought up cancer and both children aware that other kids dad is unwell.

I don't see that punishing her is going to achieve anything when really the lesson is 'be more thoughtful about what your daughter is told, and what you ask of her'.

Really punish her

Yes, I do hope you change your mindset.

That would be a terrible thing to do

I just mean take her ipad away for a couple of days, no movie night on Friday or something like that. Nothing bad.

Maybe I need to change my mindset as my first thought was to really punish her in some way for this. I told her not to mention it and she has - she is very intelligent even if she is 7 so I'm upset she's gone against this

Did you obey your parents without question when you were 7?

The OP's dd was in school - what her mum had said to her probably went in one ear and out the other.

And I agree, this is what happens when you try to keep secrets.

Hopefully her dad looks ill because of the treatment and will recover in time.

I have no idea why you think she needs to be punished?

She's 7, this is all far too abstract for her.

And how would either of those help?

It's not your child's fault. Adults forget their children pick up on conversations and this child will have been worrying at least now she will know the truth in an appropriate level

For gods sake a 7 year old won't know what cancer is, and they aren't known for their tact. This is all on the parents I'm afraid and I don't think you should punish her at all.

I agree. She's done nothing wrong.

At 7, no punishment. When my mum was pregnant with my youngest sibling we were all told not to tell anyone. One of my sisters (who was 6) told EVERYONE. She was excited. She said "I'm getting a sister but I'm not allowed to tell anyone". To EVERYONE 🤣. Another time we were taken out of school for a holiday and told to say it was dentist appointment. Youngest was 6/7 and went in on the monday and told everyone "we had a great day at (holiday destination) but my mum said to tell you I was at dentist". Hadn't learnt.

If you punish your daughter you will be teaching her never to show compassion, empathy or kindness towards someone going through difficult times.
She’s 7 and she has said ‘sorry your dad has cancer’. I would be proud of a 7 year old being that caring. She wouldn’t have intended to upset her friend.
Its the adults in this situation that have done wrong, not the children.

I've literally come here for advice for that reason.

Please don’t punish your daughter, she has done nothing wrong. The other child already knew half a story as she must have overheard her parents talking. No need for any action at all.

Why on earth would you consider punishing her for this? She's done nothing wrong.

I’m a bit confused by the story. Your daughter’s friend told your daughter that her dad has cancer. This was actually the truth. You duaghter then tried to comfort her friend the next day and now she’s in trouble? She’s 7. She probably has no idea what it is so I am sure when she was told not to say anything she didn’t realise exactly why that was or she simply forgot. I’d be telling her how lovely she is not telling her off. I’m sorry the other family is going through something awful but they should be relying on your daughter to be a supportive friend to their child at this point rather than blaming her

I think the mum is just updating you of what's happened and that's fine. You have been polite and empathetic and that's all that's required.

Well I think your child has done wrong. You explicitly told her not to mention it and she did. I doubt she did it out of kindness, I think she was excited about being privy to a grownup secret and coudnt hold it in.
I would not punish her, but i would impose the gravity of what she has done on her, and how serious cancer is, and how her dd does not wanted to be reminded of it by school acquaintances,and how much this has upset the child.

Similarly I would aim to teach her that when you ask her not to say something, that's the behaviour you expect. I wouldn't punish but I'd reaffirm sometimes it's hurtful to tell the truth so we choose the right time and place.

The book How to talk so little kids will listen and listen so they'll talk is a good one OP. Gives some guidance for tricky material.

I’m a bit uncomfortable with how you talk about your daughter. Sly?! She’s seven years old.

She's done nothing wrong. Punishing her would be weirdly inappropriate

Honestly this is the mum and dad's own fault for not telling their own DD anything, usually from a sense they want to protect their child.

I have seen this scenario over and over again and the child always knows more than the parents think they do. Children aren't daft - they notice that their parent doesn't have any energy, looks different, doesn't go to work and seems to be at the hospital a lot. And sometimes their friends know as mums at the school gate talk, those mums don't realise everything is top secret and so news travels.

Please don't punish your DD, she was being a normal 7-yr-old.

I think the time for the other mum to talk to her kids was as soon as she knew her daughter thought/knew her dad had cancer.

I wouldn't punish your daughter, I think she was trying to be nice and doesn't understand what cancer can involve. But I would have a chat to her about what cancer is (in age appropriate terms) and how the other girl might be feeling.

Seven-year-olds (and younger) are perfectly capable of being sly. It’s good if their parents recognise it.

She's 7.

She's done nothing wrong. There was zero chance she was going to be able to keep this a secret. She's 7. So is her friend.

Please don't punish her or apologise for her saying anything. The other parents shouldn't be upset at your 7 year old daughter, just as they shouldn't be upset at their own 7 year old child. Neither child meant any harm and were processing their feelings and anxiety over things not being right at the moment.