Suitable punishment to cancer slip?

[Nothanksnottoday]

My daughter today has told a friend at school that her dad has cancer.

My daughter doesn't know what cancer is but knows its an illness thats all (they're 7) but has told me (and told the mum when we were chatting one day about this and I was offering help with childcare) that this girl has told her 'my dad has cancer' and got upset at school.

The mum then explained to me and my daughter that she was shocked her daughter said this as she definitely doesn't know what illness he has and they haven't told the kids until he has a proper diagnosis and knows what stage etc it is.

I told my daughter on that basis not to mention it again and even if the girl brings it up just change the subject or not say anything. But today she's gone up to this girl and said something along the lines of 'I'm sorry your dad has cancer' and this upset the girl. The mum has now text me saying she's now properly told the kids about the dad purely because if what my daughter has done and she didn't want to lie to them anymore.

I feel terrible and I'm angry but I know my daughter only knew it in the first place because the other girl mentioned it originally but either way I'm upset and annoyed.

What should I do now? How would you punish your child for this? Should I send flowers or something? I have autism and ADHD so I struggle with this sort of thing. Thanks in advance.

‘I told my daughter on that basis not to mention it again and even if the girl brings it up just change the subject or not say anything’

sorry OP but you can’t put that burden on a 7 year old. That’s actually unfair to put that burden on an adult, it’s completely dysfunctional. There’s nothing to punish your dd for and I certainly wouldn’t be sending flowers either tbh.

I would be having a serious conversation with her about just why she said that to the girl. I don't believe it was a spontaneous empathic impulse to randomly walk up to her and say "I'm sorry your dad has cancer", and 7 is old enough for her to explain what made her do that.

I know little girls that age who are socially clueless and say the exact thing they are trying not to say, and I also know little girls who are very good at pushing buttons and seeing what happens. I would be interested to know what was going on right before she said that.

However as far as the other mum is concerned, her daughter was the one who told yours, so there can be nothing your daughter said that is new.

It's too big a secret to expect a child to keep. Regardless of how mature she is. It was unreasonable of you and the parent to put her in the position

@Nothanksnottoday

I don't think your DD needs to be 'punished' per se for what she said BUT

I told my daughter on that basis not to mention it again and even if the girl brings it up just change the subject or not say anything.

Your daughter did disobey you by saying what she said although I'm sure she was just wanting to offer sympathy to the other girl.

So I think you should have a quiet discussion with DD about doing what you tell her. She shouldn't have said anything because you told her not to. She needs to understand that when you/her dad tells her what to do that there is a good reason for it and she needs to mind you and not to decide that she can disobey you, no matter what her reason may be. Stress that she can ask you questions about why you're telling her to do/not do XYZ, but that in the end she's to do what you say.

do not punish your child.

she did absolutely nothing wrong. She is not required to keep secrets. She is not required to lie.

she said something kind and your instinct is to punish. This is seriously messed up.

@Nothanksnottoday I feel your pain but would suggest least said soonest mended. The family have bigger fish to fry.

I say this based on an incident that still upsets me where my 9 year old DD - let’s call them child A, was told by child B about a condition they, child B, had. Child B also told child C D and E at the same time. My child A then told Child F this information, which child B objected to and told their parents. Parents went crazy, straight into school, my child was reprimanded by school and, possibly frighted by the carry-on, their child B, then denied having told anyone. Child B’s parents insinuated that I had speculated to my child A about child B! Impossible as I knew nothing about the child’s condition. I had a conversation with my child about not passing on medical info even if they haven’t been asked to hold that info in confidence. I then left it at that. The other family were clearly wrapped up in their issue and blind to the fact I couldnt be the source of the info as I had no way to know that. It still rankles though that school were given this version.

I think 'punishing' your daughter for being kind to her friend, will have the opposite effect than what you want. That girl may need a friend in the weeks to come, and your daughter may feel she can't talk to her as she was punished for mentioning it this time. At the moment, this little girl will know that your daughter is someone she can talk to if she needs to. Please don't punish them both.

The adults have to remember that children hear so many things you don’t think they will have. Especially if they think things aren’t quite right / something is going on and no one is talking to them about it.

Your daughter was told not to talk about it and she has - she shouldn’t have done it but I think children do say things like this to try and find out more info (not always in an unkind way but to try and make sense of things).

She knows cancer is a “bad thing” and there’s obviously something going on but we have to remember they don’t have all the knowledge we have about things as adults.

I really feel for the family. What a horrible thing to be facing. I do hope they get support for how to talk to their children about it. It’s just awful.

I also want to say I disagree with all the posters saying a 7 year old should not be told not to raise a subject. My son has a tendency to hark on subjects that are uncomfortable for certain friends of his. "But WHY is your dad not going to work anymore?" "But WHY don't you have a car?" "but WHY does your granny look yellow? Is she going to DIE?" etc. On Mumsnet the received wisdom is that such questions are innocent knowledge seeking, but I strongly believe 7 is old enough to start learning to mind your own business and not to be a dick.

The motives you're ascribing to your own seven-year-old are really disturbing. You know she doesn't understand properly what cancer is but you think she's being sly and manipulating you by pretending she was just being nice. That's a hell of a thought process for a young kid.

Have an actual conversation with her about why people find it difficult to talk about serious illness even when the other person is being kind. That he friend probably wasn’t thinking about it at that moment, and her sympathetic comment reminded her and made her upset.

I expect she feels terrible that she upset her friend, and confused as she doesn’t understand why everyone is angry with her (after all, the friend told her that her dad had cancer first). Explain it to her, but kindly. Then she will understand for next time.

I think both you and your daughter should give the whole family some space for a while at this point. Suggest that your daughter plays with other friends for a while as she is only making the situation worse, and stress to her never to bring up the cancer again with anybody.

My dd at that age couldn’t keep anything in.
The more important the information the more it seemed to come out of her mouth.
We all know dc that tell parents what they’ve bought them for Christmas despite being told to keep it as a surprise.

@Nothanksnottoday your dc would have been bursting with this news. She knew it was something big and therefore it would have been on her mind.

Don’t punish her. It’s a pity you made it a big thing in the first place, if you’d been breezy she may well have forgotten.

Lesson learned, dc can’t keep secrets.

I know it's slightly on a tangent but I actually find it really disturbing that you describe your daughter as sly. Seven year old can not be sly. That is an adult attribute.

You need to be careful that you are not attributing adult characteristics to her.

Why would you punish your daughter for being honest ??? You don’t need to do anything here at all.

Punishment isn't a word I use, anyway, but I keep any consequences natural or logical.
And, it wouldn't occur to me to punish either of my nearly 7 year twins for something like this, nor would I have the unrealistic expectation that they wouldn't repeat something I'd told them not to.

Absolutely this

Absolutely this.

If the diagnosis is as serious as you say, I think you need to be preparing your daughter, rather than worrying about what now can't be helped.

I don't know about the OPs daughter, but seven year olds can absolutely be sly. I've seen them wait until they think there is no adult to hear them before saying things that they know perfectly well are shady.

You should be celebrating that your daughter shows empathy at such a young age.

Involving children in secrecy is not a good thing and you’ve just found that out the hard way.

How sad your first thought is to punish your child.

Of course you don't punish her. She was being kind. What are you annoyed about?

Ok I think I understand what happened now.

DD friend mentioned her dad’s illness to your DD. DD told you. You said don’t bring it up with friend. DD then did just that.

You know your DD best. It does sound possible she was deliberately stirring, saying something she knew was controversial. At 7 she’d have no idea of how serious this is but she knew it was off limits.

Whether the friend’s parents should have told their DC the full details is irrelevant. The point is your DD said something she was told not to, by you.

I wouldn’t apply an unrelated punishment but I would be making her understand why some topics of conversation are off limits, because feelings can get badly hurt, and that it’s not a fun game to bring these topics up. Ask her to imagine if something bad was happening in her life, would she want people coming up and mentioning it in the playground?

But that is bad. You're doing something horrible to your DD on purpose. Why would you want to do that?

You feel embarrassed because the other mum text you and you're taking it out on your 7 yo.