Baby Boomer parents still married and are in their mid-seventies. My DM hasn’t worked since she was in her early 50’s due to chronic poor health (fibromyalgia etc). She was part-time / self-employed most of her 40’s. They moved overseas in their mid-50’s and DF was able to get well-paying work (physically hard job). He was on good money for 10-15 years and retired at 70. My DM was in charge of the finances until she was diagnosed with dementia in her early 70’s due to FND, history of depression , anxiety , arthritis etc.
During her late 50’s-early 60’s she spent a lot of money on things such as cruises and holidays, surgeries (expensive dental work , bariatric surgery x 2, tummy tuck, face lift ) and things like jewellery. DF buried his head in the sand re: finances.
I am late Gen X, moved out of house at 18, was able to get a degree and pay off my large student loan. I’ve been with my DH since I was 19 and he has been very fortunate to earn a lot of money in recent years. Since we had our child I have not returned to work (I guess it’s a very traditional family set up ). Child is in primary school.
I live a 12 hour drive away or a quick flight from my parents (I moved to their country in 2010). My brother is even further away - 2 flights and never visits them. We have suggested many times that they move close to either my brother or myself but they have refused. My child is their only grandchild and they’ve met him about 7 times since he was born. They are not active grandparents at all - even when visiting.
My mother constantly rings me pleading poverty and is anxious about what will happen to her if DF dies before her. They have a meager pension and savings, their home is mortgage free. They live comfortably day to day on their pension.
She just called today to announce that DF‘S knees are in terrible condition and he needs at least one knee replacement. Would cost considerable if done privately. Stupidly they had great health insurance but had recently swapped to another company and didn’t realise joint replacements weren’t covered. I’m fuming at their stupidity. I’m also fuming that she wasted so much money and lived beyond her means (something they would have judge US on if we had done the same thing). His knees have been bad for a good 15 years. I asked about going public but she says it would be 9 years on the waiting list. They do have private super / savings they could use to pay private but I guess DM is not wanting to dip into this in case she needs it all later. I feel so awkward as I think she feels I should help her financially but DH is not keen on the idea. She’s a very shallow, gossipy woman so she hasn’t done herself any favours over the years (we aren’t very close ). Besides , he has his DM to think about.
AIBU not helping her or feeling obligated to do so?