To not help my elderly baby boomer parents

[DebbieDownerBB]

Baby Boomer parents still married and are in their mid-seventies. My DM hasn’t worked since she was in her early 50’s due to chronic poor health (fibromyalgia etc). She was part-time / self-employed most of her 40’s. They moved overseas in their mid-50’s and DF was able to get well-paying work (physically hard job). He was on good money for 10-15 years and retired at 70. My DM was in charge of the finances until she was diagnosed with dementia in her early 70’s due to FND, history of depression , anxiety , arthritis etc.

During her late 50’s-early 60’s she spent a lot of money on things such as cruises and holidays, surgeries (expensive dental work , bariatric surgery x 2, tummy tuck, face lift ) and things like jewellery. DF buried his head in the sand re: finances.

I am late Gen X, moved out of house at 18, was able to get a degree and pay off my large student loan. I’ve been with my DH since I was 19 and he has been very fortunate to earn a lot of money in recent years. Since we had our child I have not returned to work (I guess it’s a very traditional family set up ). Child is in primary school.

I live a 12 hour drive away or a quick flight from my parents (I moved to their country in 2010). My brother is even further away - 2 flights and never visits them. We have suggested many times that they move close to either my brother or myself but they have refused. My child is their only grandchild and they’ve met him about 7 times since he was born. They are not active grandparents at all - even when visiting.

My mother constantly rings me pleading poverty and is anxious about what will happen to her if DF dies before her. They have a meager pension and savings, their home is mortgage free. They live comfortably day to day on their pension.

She just called today to announce that DF‘S knees are in terrible condition and he needs at least one knee replacement. Would cost considerable if done privately. Stupidly they had great health insurance but had recently swapped to another company and didn’t realise joint replacements weren’t covered. I’m fuming at their stupidity. I’m also fuming that she wasted so much money and lived beyond her means (something they would have judge US on if we had done the same thing). His knees have been bad for a good 15 years. I asked about going public but she says it would be 9 years on the waiting list. They do have private super / savings they could use to pay private but I guess DM is not wanting to dip into this in case she needs it all later. I feel so awkward as I think she feels I should help her financially but DH is not keen on the idea. She’s a very shallow, gossipy woman so she hasn’t done herself any favours over the years (we aren’t very close ). Besides , he has his DM to think about.

AIBU not helping her or feeling obligated to do so?

Hmmm....I wonder where google got that info!?!

My one knee done privately 6 years back cost £16k so I suspect that's up closer to £20k now.

My other knee now needs doing but I no longer have private cover so am waiting on the NHS. I can't even get to the recommendation stage before I do a year of physio. There's a 9 month wait for that and it's taken 7 months to get a referral for that. I anticipate the whole thing from last October when I first raised this with the GP is likely to take 5 years at the very least. Not 9 years but heading in that direction.

I had asked to have a referral to the NHS last time as well as a letter for the private cover as I didn't know what to expect. Start to finish the private work was done and dusted in 3 months and I didn't even have an initial referral for an NHS appointment until 3 months after my surgery had been done.

All that aside parents have the cash they can get it sorted in a few weeks. Doesn't need more money from either child.

What a passive aggressive response

Of course you don't pay.

The wait list isnt 9 years.
They have 200k they aren't using and could use.
You have a child to provide for.

Your DM is right not to move. Moving is a big thing as you get older. With dementia it will probably accelerate her dementia, possibly severely.
Her ringing up pleading poverty and worrying may also be linked to her dementia. Anxiety is very common with early dementia.
She was also right to spend money in surgery and cruises. She was in poor health at the time and knew they had a limited amount of time when they would be able to do things.
They swapped their health insurance to a less good one without checking the details. Your mum has dementia and your father opted out of managing the finances years ago. Scrutinising health insurance information may be beyond the capability of your mum, yet you call her stupid for doing this.
You obviously dislike your mother.
You are not obligated to help financially, but you also show no understanding of the realities of their situation.

The family is not in the UK.

Possibly the US or Oz.

It doesn’t take a genius to understand that £200k won’t go far when you have no income other than a meagre pension. It might keep them for another 10 - 15 years living a pretty basic life. Having a finite amount of money with no idea how long you are going to need it for must be terrifying. Surely you can empathise with that?

You keep going on about how awful your dm is but your dad needs the op. Don’t you care enough to help him rather than having him struggle waiting for an operation that he might never get. I wouldn’t hesitate to help my dp’s but unfortunately I never got the opportunity as I’ve lost both of them.

I can’t understand people like you. You have both of your parents and just don’t appreciate how lucky you are. You’ve said yourself your df is stoic but fair, hard working and your dm while not perfect can be generous and sensitive. How can you be so dismissive of their needs in their old age?

I honestly don't understand what the discussion is here. They can easily afford the operation if that's what they want to do. Even if you got along great and loved them to pieces, unless you are extremely wealthy yourselves why would you gift £25k to someone who ALREADY HAS £200k and is comfortable?! They own a house, they have some money coming in, they have £200k.

Why are you even asking? That's the takeaway here - why question this?

Since we had our child I have not returned to work (I guess it’s a very traditional family set up ). Child is in primary school

You go on about how your mother hasn't worked since her mid 40s. There were reasons for that due to ill-health. Before that you say she was part-time, presumably she was bringing up the family at the same time.
You have not returned to work after having your child and that's your choice and if your family can afford it then that's fair enough and your family's decision. But let's hope your child doesn't post on MN in 40 years time complaining about her Gen X mother who spent years out of work.

@SmudgeButt The OP and her parents don't live in the UK so the figures and stats don't apply.

She hasn't said where they live but if it's a 12 hour drive, it's not the UK and the other option she says is a long flight.

It's a large continent so either US, Canada, Oz or maybe S Africa.

Posted too soon - where in UK is your mum (assume it's UK?) Some areas are trialling a new fast track procedure; my friend has only waited 6 months and is booked in already.

They have savings and a property.
They are able to fund the procedure.
You look after YOUR family and their future.

Read the first post.

OP made it clear that she moved to the country where her parents are in 2010.

It's perfectly clear from the distances they live apart in the same country that it's not the UK.

I am annoyed she took multiple cruises a year now knowing that they weren’t being diligent at budgeting for retirement. DF even put his foot down at one point over the number of vacations she booked. Multiple flights overseas (by herself as DF couldn’t get time off work ). She probably spent another £100k on cosmetic surgeries. They lost about £200k in a poor realestate decision which I didn’t find out until they retired. They also spent another £75k on a 4WD and caravan.

There’s other things where lots of money was spent but was definitely needed.

I don’t begrudge anyone wanting a holiday but I mean it was a lot of holidays. She was living like someone on twice their income. At the time I knew DF was earning a lot but I assumed they had it covered.

Because they're boomers who deserve everything coming to them apparently

I agree, and it just perpetuates this awful myth that we're all loaded and selfish. I loathe the way it's being used nowadays

*and OLD!

again she has a history of depression and anxiety. Did not one member of the family see her behavior as a coping mechanism for this? Support was needed clearly

Are you in the States or Oz?

A lot of posters think you're in the UK which is impossible given the distances between you and your parents.

I don't know why you're even engaging with her demand.

Given you aren't close and don't get on, you seem to be far more involved with her monetary decisions and this 'request' than anyone would expect.

Of course you don't pay.

Stop mulling it over and just don' t get involved.

I suspect there is a lot more to your relationship that's behind this or you'd not be so susceptible to this emotional blackmail.

I wouldn't help them either OP. It doesn't sound like you're close.

If you don't want to help them, don't help them. That's entirely your choice. Hell, you can change your number and never speak to them again if thats what you want.

Is part of the dilemma related to your respective generation names?

If they were millennial for example, or gen x (like me) or something, in exactly the same situation, would your feelings be different?

I am struggling to understand what it is about them being boomers that is a factor in any decision you make rather than considering only the situation they are in.

Where do you live?

Ok sorry I didnt get they were not in UK, was just wondering. But how does @SchoolQuestionnaire know their pension is meagre?! If you own your own home so no mortgage or rent, surely you can get by on a pension? But again, if not UK, what sort of pension are we talking about - a "meagre" one presumably?! I'll retire on UK state pension but hoping to own outright by then and if I do manage that I'll consider myself lucky to be honest - wonder why OP's parents don't consider themselves lucky too?

By your use of the word 'super' in regard to finances I take it you are in Australia?

Of course they should use the £200K to finance the operation. If you are in Australia, it's highly likely that Medicare would deem it as 'elective' surgery at the moment.

Yes have a go at boomers a d judge people for making financial mistakes.ok blamer.why don't you get a job?

It would help if we knew roughly where you are, OP, as the wait times for a funded operation are clearly much longer than in the UK. And the cost of a private operation seems to be cheaper here than where you are. So if they flew here to have it done privately it might be a saving.
I expect there are places in Eastern Europe where it might be cheaper too. They might well have options they could check out.
(I paid a little more for mine but had to stay in hospital slightly longer and private hospital 'hotel' care is very expensive, but quite pleasant. Food was exceptional.)
Most knee ops are elective, few are urgent except in the cases of accident or disease (cancer, diabetes etc.) Even paying for mine I waited almost four months to get it done.
But the bottom line is that they have a decent chunk of savings and could easily pay for it. You never know, they might be able to get both knees done more cheaply on a 'twofer' deal.