To not help my elderly baby boomer parents

[DebbieDownerBB]

Baby Boomer parents still married and are in their mid-seventies. My DM hasn’t worked since she was in her early 50’s due to chronic poor health (fibromyalgia etc). She was part-time / self-employed most of her 40’s. They moved overseas in their mid-50’s and DF was able to get well-paying work (physically hard job). He was on good money for 10-15 years and retired at 70. My DM was in charge of the finances until she was diagnosed with dementia in her early 70’s due to FND, history of depression , anxiety , arthritis etc.

During her late 50’s-early 60’s she spent a lot of money on things such as cruises and holidays, surgeries (expensive dental work , bariatric surgery x 2, tummy tuck, face lift ) and things like jewellery. DF buried his head in the sand re: finances.

I am late Gen X, moved out of house at 18, was able to get a degree and pay off my large student loan. I’ve been with my DH since I was 19 and he has been very fortunate to earn a lot of money in recent years. Since we had our child I have not returned to work (I guess it’s a very traditional family set up ). Child is in primary school.

I live a 12 hour drive away or a quick flight from my parents (I moved to their country in 2010). My brother is even further away - 2 flights and never visits them. We have suggested many times that they move close to either my brother or myself but they have refused. My child is their only grandchild and they’ve met him about 7 times since he was born. They are not active grandparents at all - even when visiting.

My mother constantly rings me pleading poverty and is anxious about what will happen to her if DF dies before her. They have a meager pension and savings, their home is mortgage free. They live comfortably day to day on their pension.

She just called today to announce that DF‘S knees are in terrible condition and he needs at least one knee replacement. Would cost considerable if done privately. Stupidly they had great health insurance but had recently swapped to another company and didn’t realise joint replacements weren’t covered. I’m fuming at their stupidity. I’m also fuming that she wasted so much money and lived beyond her means (something they would have judge US on if we had done the same thing). His knees have been bad for a good 15 years. I asked about going public but she says it would be 9 years on the waiting list. They do have private super / savings they could use to pay private but I guess DM is not wanting to dip into this in case she needs it all later. I feel so awkward as I think she feels I should help her financially but DH is not keen on the idea. She’s a very shallow, gossipy woman so she hasn’t done herself any favours over the years (we aren’t very close ). Besides , he has his DM to think about.

AIBU not helping her or feeling obligated to do so?

Or they’re not in the UK, as already established

The way the situation is presented it would seem to be an excuse for a 'baby boomer, spent all their money on houses and holidays' bashing type of thread.

You're assuming that the savings quoted- £200K- are not including any interest over the years @Biggleslefae

You yourself quoted your savings, but you didn't break it down into your initial investment and interest.

I agree with the rest of your post.

Wait time for public is around 18 months on average. It may be sooner, it may be later than that - but it is not 9 years. Nor does it cost the figure you quoted. I think you might bear in mind you mother is, as you said, depressive, anxious, and has FND, so has probably suffered a level of trauma in her life. Not sure how you get dementia from FND or if she has it, but wouldn't a sensible rational person factor that in to the phone call and information you were given by her.

The entire cost of a knee replacement, including hospital stays, the prosthesis, and surgery expenses, often falls between $25,000 and $35,000. About one-third of these expenses should be covered by Medicare payments.

Knee Replacement Cost in Australia: Public vs Private (rhysclark.com.au)

Which is what I was saying the post suggests they are all rich though or why mention it as it's irrelevant.

Surely her dementia plays a part that took takes awhile to reach the point of diagnosis and can cause personality changes, irrational or unusual behaviour etc. I knew a lovely lady in her 60s who volunteered for everything couldn't do enough for anybody then started to distance from them and get hostile diagnosis took 3 years.

She did well to work full time with fibromyalgia it's very disabling in its flares and leaves you open to other infections that last longer than normal as well as the pain and exhaustion she sounds to have been very unlucky

Yep

It's you putting your mother down for going part time in her 40s when Ill....yet you have already dumped work. What did she do to you when you were a teenager/twenties that left you so bitter?

She hasn't asked op is just thinking she might despite it being common for older people to worry and talk about issues without it meaning they want help....as a trip to a dementia ward will tell you ...the mother has dementia and fibromyalgia

I never put my DM down for working part-time or not at all. Her fibromyalgia didn’t start until she was late 40’s /early 50’s. What initially made her take a step back was the OOS. DF was very happy with her staying home.

My only annoyances are the health insurance situation (they were fully covered for the usually elderly-related health conditions like joints, hearing aids etc and now they are not) and to a certain degree her spending it up in her 60’s. The spending was likely why my DF worked until he was 70. I think he would have retired a couple of years earlier otherwise.

Surely when you change insurance providers you double check your policy covers things that are expensive and likely to happen (hearing aids, joint replacements, pacemakers, that sort of stuff).

YANBU. Obviously you can't give them money if you are not working 🙄.

If the situation was reversed and the Gen X DD with 200k savings was asking her Boomer DM for financial help, everyone would call her greedy and entitled.

She hasn't asked Op for financial help. She's just rung up in a lather about it.
As OP wrote:

I feel so awkward as I think she feels I should help her financially but DH is not keen on the idea.

Given she has FND, anxiety, and maybe some dementia on board, and has rung up worried about money before, one would expect she is only venting. Her "facts" about cost and public wait time are wildly overblown. This is really just a thread for OP to exercise her feelings of guilt and her resentment and dislike of her mother, and get told she is NBU. Because Boomers, you know.

Hi Op. I have read your updates.

It sounds like there are some issues with money etc. but also issues with dealing with reality in general.

Is there scope where you are for you to have Power of Attorney? Its a bit step but due to the reckless spending and possible cognitive issues then it could help alleviate the burden.

I'm in a similar situation OP, with parents who have not helped themselves and made decisions that are going to need more and more support as they age. It's not always as easy as not wanting to help as having to weigh it against the needs of your own retirement (not wanting to be in their position so the pressure is on your own children) and sensible financial management. I do wish mine had even quarter of your parents' savings though! I don't know what the answer is as I'm dreading what might lie down the road for them, but you just make the best decision you can. In your parents' case, they have the money in savings so should be using that for this surgery first.

I am looking forward to being an active grandparent and taking them to school, paying for swimming lessons, school fees etc.

I do applaud your optimism. You waited almost 20 years to have a child so that must make you 38ish? So assuming your child has kids around the same age, you will be late 70s when/if grandchildren arrive. Not sure if “active” grand parenting will be easy at that age (but then my family history suggests I will be six feet under by my late 70s, hence my awe at your optimism).

You only really know their savings amount if you see their statements.

My father is my DM’s PoA/PoEA. Thankfully he had the foresight to arrange this early on. My DM’s dementia is not degenerative and she is fairly highly functioning but cannot drive now. She needs help taking mer medication and has mobility issues. She still swims almost every day. If my DF were to pass before her she would need to go into aged care or have someone visit twice a day to check on her. I think at that point I would need to move her to where I live. Where my brother lives is slightly more affordable. Where she lives is a rather isolated satellite town with not very good hospital care. They moved there purely for DF’s work but there is no reason for them to stay (it’s actually rather expensive there due to its isolation). It’s not a place with a lot of retirees so the access to geriatric care is mediocre.

@Marshfritillary

I felt the same way when I saw baby boomers and Gen X, it felt like a put down to Baby Boomers as though they are stupid.

They are your parents give them the money and get a job

You don't pay for this op out of your own money when they have theirs, that's actually really cheeky. My mum would never ask me to pay for her things especially if she has her own money. Your dad needs to control the spending.

Ahh I see the issue. Given this information financial and health discussions should only be had with your dad.

Don't trust Google. My FIL needs a full and partial knee replacement, he is only early sixties and otherwise in excellent health, works full time etc. He was hit by a car when young and the surgeries he needed then have essentially led to this. He can barely walk, needs a wheelchair/mobility scooter if walking further than about 50-100m. It took over a year to see a consultant for a full assessment and he's been told it will be around 18 months for surgery even though he's a priority, by this point the other knee will also likely need a full replacement, even though if the bad one was done now the other would be a partial. He was quoted £18.5k per knee privately, by two different private hospitals. This is in England.

Or if they tell you 😜