To not help my elderly baby boomer parents

[DebbieDownerBB]

Baby Boomer parents still married and are in their mid-seventies. My DM hasn’t worked since she was in her early 50’s due to chronic poor health (fibromyalgia etc). She was part-time / self-employed most of her 40’s. They moved overseas in their mid-50’s and DF was able to get well-paying work (physically hard job). He was on good money for 10-15 years and retired at 70. My DM was in charge of the finances until she was diagnosed with dementia in her early 70’s due to FND, history of depression , anxiety , arthritis etc.

During her late 50’s-early 60’s she spent a lot of money on things such as cruises and holidays, surgeries (expensive dental work , bariatric surgery x 2, tummy tuck, face lift ) and things like jewellery. DF buried his head in the sand re: finances.

I am late Gen X, moved out of house at 18, was able to get a degree and pay off my large student loan. I’ve been with my DH since I was 19 and he has been very fortunate to earn a lot of money in recent years. Since we had our child I have not returned to work (I guess it’s a very traditional family set up ). Child is in primary school.

I live a 12 hour drive away or a quick flight from my parents (I moved to their country in 2010). My brother is even further away - 2 flights and never visits them. We have suggested many times that they move close to either my brother or myself but they have refused. My child is their only grandchild and they’ve met him about 7 times since he was born. They are not active grandparents at all - even when visiting.

My mother constantly rings me pleading poverty and is anxious about what will happen to her if DF dies before her. They have a meager pension and savings, their home is mortgage free. They live comfortably day to day on their pension.

She just called today to announce that DF‘S knees are in terrible condition and he needs at least one knee replacement. Would cost considerable if done privately. Stupidly they had great health insurance but had recently swapped to another company and didn’t realise joint replacements weren’t covered. I’m fuming at their stupidity. I’m also fuming that she wasted so much money and lived beyond her means (something they would have judge US on if we had done the same thing). His knees have been bad for a good 15 years. I asked about going public but she says it would be 9 years on the waiting list. They do have private super / savings they could use to pay private but I guess DM is not wanting to dip into this in case she needs it all later. I feel so awkward as I think she feels I should help her financially but DH is not keen on the idea. She’s a very shallow, gossipy woman so she hasn’t done herself any favours over the years (we aren’t very close ). Besides , he has his DM to think about.

AIBU not helping her or feeling obligated to do so?

It's because knee replacements and hip replacements etc last on average 10 years. So they put it off as long as possible. As happened with my aunt they kept putting it off. She had her's done earlier than most in her 60's. But in her circumstances it couldn't be put off any longer. They don't like doing a second replacement because it's not always as successful.

She actually told us their ages. There is absolutely ZERO need to call them "Baby Boomers".

Well, OP still hasn't clarified why she won't talk to her dad, who does not have dementia, is probably not shallow, and can possibly tell her why he can;t use his own savings.

Are you in the States or maybe Oz?

It's interesting that you chose to follow your parents , 14 years ago.
I wonder why given you didn't get on?
Your H's work and more prospects?

I'm younger than your Mum by a few years. My children are possibly your age.

Unlike her, I've worked all my life apart from a few years and am still working p/t out of choice.

I have no sympathy at all with her plight.

She and your father have made some poor financial choices. They've spent money on all kinds of luxuries and are now pleading poverty. Yet your posts show they have considerable savings compared to many people.

I can imagine they are thinking of care home fees but without knowing where you live, it's hard to know how much the state would provide these.

I think you should butt out.
This is a problem for her and your father to sort out.
It's interesting that SHE is asking for money yet the surgery is for him.
Is he hen pecked?

They've got the money to pay and should.

On the other hand, my parents were and are very poor. However, by being REALLY careful they always had a rainy day fund which was for a private hip op for one of them. They never had a holiday overseas in their lives and lived frugally. if they needed financial help I'd step in, but yours- nope.
They've wasted money.

It sounds like your mum needs greater support for her cognitive problems. She may be worrying unnecessarily about money, but she is reaching out to you for help. If your Dad gets his knee fixed up he will potentially be in a better position to support her than otherwise, which will reduce the burden for others.
If you can put aside your feelings and work with them to find a solution and have a greater understanding of their financial situation, income and assets, perhaps you can get this resolved. Is there financial power of attorney set up for your mum and dad? It sounds like there should be something done imminently if not.

It sounds like they're fine, just anxious.

Really don't get why so many posters are being snippy. The bad weather must be really getting to you all.

It's a perfectly reasonable question, asked in perfectly reasonable manner. We all use terms such as baby boomers, gen x to give in 2 words what could take 2 sentences to say.

OP is asking ahead of a question she thinks is heading her way - again perfectly reasonable. You could say she's getting her ducks in a row.

And if you can't appreciate some families aren't all cosy and nice, then you've lead a very fortunate life.

I don't understand why people are so triggered by this. It's not an insult, it's literally just the name of a demographic. Lots of research is based round these kind of demographics. People need to chill and realise everything isn't always about them.

If they have savings they should use first their own savings before you start helping them.

You seem to have a negative relationship with your mother, I understand not all mothers are great. I would however, judge my relationship with my mother going back further. The brain normally undergoes changes for 20 years before dementia is detected. I now look back at my father and see that many behaviours were slowly scaling.

What is FND?

Not heard of it.

They have savings - they can pay for their medical needs.
Regardless of that, you are under no obligation to help them, or indeed to have anything to do with them. Just concentrate on your own life.

In the UK a non-urgent hip or knee op might have a waiting list of around 2 years or longer.

The cost is around £12K for one side.

We all use terms such as baby boomers, gen x to give in 2 words what could take 2 sentences to say.

I'm sorry, how is "in their mid-seventies" needing two sentences to say? Especially when it was in the same first sentence of the OP as Baby Boomers.

If my parents had savings I wouldn't pay for an operation for them.

If they didn't, and it was going to make a big difference to their quality of life, I would.

But it is quite amazing how many people will hobble around because they think the NHS should pay for something, even though they can afford it. It makes no sense. Much better to pay for the op yourself and get back to doing the things you want to!

And it's fine to say you are in your mid 40s and your parents are in their 70s. We really don't need the overused generation labels. I am in your generation and I guarantee we don't agree on everything, so why act as if everyone in a particular age group is the same?

I agree with everything you said apart from the bit about your husband prioritising his own mother. You seem to think it’s his money and therefore he gets to prioritise his parents over yours. Presumably you’re married and it was a joint decision for you to be a SAHM? Therefore, the household income is as much yours as it is his.

But why does their “classifcation” matter?

You clearly don’t like them, it oozes from the rest, so no need to throw in the pejorative “boomer” on top.

But people are not the same! Put 50 x 50 year olds in the room and they will all like different things, have different character traits, different jobs and even though they may have some common cultural reference points, different experiences.

It's all nonsense.

What's with all the boomer and gen X references? Just say they are 70s and you are late 40s or whatever.

She stopped full time work at around age 42-45. She became self employed for another few years, mainly due to fibromyalgia and OOS (occupational overuse syndrome ). She had a hobby business that she ran after age 45. She stopped work completely at around 50 yo.

She has a lot of mental health issues so the FND dx was no surprise. She sees specialists and DF is her carer and does a good job of it. She has always been a spender so hard to differentiate what decisions were based on her mental health, physical health or otherwise.

I have told them I would be happy to go round and give him respite care and clean if they were to move closer to me but they are set in their routines and won’t move. They have no family where they live and just 1 friend (DM has fallings out with friends so doesn’t keep them for long ).

Because - as I said - she actually told us how old they are but STILL found it (apparently) necessary to call them "Baby Boomers".

Now, WHY did she need to do that? Unless it was to direct us towards the "Baby Boomers are rich and profligate" narrative.

200k? They need to spend it on health care if that's an issue. They are hardly down to their last bean.

"DM was in charge of the finances until she was diagnosed with dementia in her early 70’s due to FND, history of depression , anxiety , arthritis etc"

OP you sound really hard on your mother. She had a long history of depression and anxiety and you seem annoyed that she wanted to go on holidays etc etc. Perhaps its your DF that should have been getting her help and supervising the financials as well?

They should do what they want, Maybe you should go and visit them and see firsthand how things are.

They haven't asked you to fund their lifestyle, so don't give it a moments thought. Steer any chats back to their £200,000

You dripfed the fact they have 200K in savings. That should have been in your original post. All the "baby boomer" and "Gen X" stuff is completely unnecessary. Baby boomer is often used in a perjorative way. Certainly on here there is non-stop boomer bashing going on. That's why people have reacted in the way they have.
The fact you actually then went on to write a long post bashing your parents for frittering their money proves the point really.

You could have asked your question without all of this going on.

"Hi. AIBU not to pay for my Dad's replacement knee operation? He's mid 70s. It would cost about 25K. My parents have 200K in savings and are mortgage free. WIBU to say that they should use their savings first?"

Because of the 200K in savings YANBU. They should use that to pay for the operation.
The End.

Yanbu to not help but are bu to be so judgey- none of us know what we’ll decide to do in the future as a break from life!! Easy to be sensible now when we have to accrue things and we have the responsibilities we have!!

edited to add people who talk about retired parents forget their parents money has to last them for the rest of their life- they have no further extra earning/ saving potential!!