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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being so tight with money?

984 replies

Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:31

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

OP posts:
beanii · 15/07/2024 15:05

Rockrose94 · 15/07/2024 14:02

Thanks all, I am seeing it quite clearly that he just tried to blame me for all the things I was unhappy about. I don't think he really see's that his behaviour has been a problem so his promises to change can't be real if he doesn't think he is in the wrong. He did actually apologise for an example I gave him for making me feel small and that he didn't mean it that way but that was after he had already tried to justify why he had done it because of something else I'd done. I don't think he deserves another chance as I sense he is going to improve for a few weeks before the old behaviours creep back in and I'm miserable again. I just need to remember this when I'm not feeling quite as strong.

That's the thing about narcissists - they cannot see what they're doing is wrong - even though they do know as you said he'd pay for the meal in public with friends (right thigh to do) and then work it out properly at home (wrong thing to do).

That's why they'll promise to change but can't because they think they're right.

beanii · 15/07/2024 15:08

JingsMahBucket · 15/07/2024 14:50

@Rockrose94 I’ve been reading your thread from the beginning and I’m super proud of you and the other women who have supported you on this thread. May I suggest you start a new thread, possibly in Relationshios, so we can keep supporting you? This one is about to fill up.

Also, yesterday I was watching The Joy Luck Club on the plane and one of the daughters was going through exactly the same thing with her husband. Supposedly splitting everything evenly but he wanted to charge her for the flea treatment for the cat he bought her for her birthday. It immediately reminded me of your thread and it just rang so many bells for me. That film was from 1993. So, just to say that women everywhere have been through this kind of financial abuse and you have generations of women standing behind you around the world who are lifting you up. 🙂

Great idea - OP if you do start a new thread, please post a link on here.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 15/07/2024 15:15

Rockrose94 · 15/07/2024 14:02

Thanks all, I am seeing it quite clearly that he just tried to blame me for all the things I was unhappy about. I don't think he really see's that his behaviour has been a problem so his promises to change can't be real if he doesn't think he is in the wrong. He did actually apologise for an example I gave him for making me feel small and that he didn't mean it that way but that was after he had already tried to justify why he had done it because of something else I'd done. I don't think he deserves another chance as I sense he is going to improve for a few weeks before the old behaviours creep back in and I'm miserable again. I just need to remember this when I'm not feeling quite as strong.

Absolutely. And in fact, there's a risk that he'll "change" but resent you... "Rockroses is so irrational but if i don't do these things, she threatens to leave...."

I agree with a PP - if he was truly able to reflect on his behaviour it would be different. But clearly that is not the case here.

Isthisit22 · 15/07/2024 15:27

Well done! You are a strong women who deserves so much more than he is willing to give/share. It’s impossible for him to change as this is who he is. This is his actual personality.
Onwards and upwards

OP posts:
BowlOfNoodles · 15/07/2024 15:59

Mix56 · 15/07/2024 10:41

ps I'd buy you a coffee & I don't even know you..... think about it

So wouid I.

Venice241 · 15/07/2024 16:04

@Jings...loved that book The joy luck club, 30 years ago. Not sure I ever saw the film...will go looking for it👍

Ellecollins11 · 15/07/2024 17:56

Do not have children with this man. If you are on maternity leave he will make your life a misery by controlling every penny you spend on a child. Children are expensive… do you really want him analysing if you are over using nappies or formula. Get away from him now. Tell him exactly why you are leaving. It may stop him financially abusing someone later down the line

Hazyjaneishere · 15/07/2024 21:57

Agree with others, he’s not going to be able or willing to change from what you’ve says, he’s just not wired right. You’re worth so much more than this and you’re being so brave and reasonable about this. Well done! Be proud of you!

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