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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being so tight with money?

984 replies

Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:31

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

OP posts:
WillLiveLife · 08/07/2024 21:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at user request.

Original poster
Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:46

The £2.50 tonight was an eye opener and he still wouldn't let it go, he asked what every item on the receipt was so he didn't pay for any of my things but eats a huge amount more of the stuff we do share! Also we earn well, it's not like he is watching every penny. The reason I end up paying for us both to go out is really as that's the only way we would go anywhere. All the above points are noted. It's really turning me off of him and sadly it is making me very stingy too in return.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/07/2024 21:50

Are you thinking about having children?

Mycatsasuperstar · 08/07/2024 21:52

If this guy doesn't give you the ick don't know what will. Like seriously he isn't a life partner, he is someone that will make your future self hate you now for staying with this turd of a man and wasting your life away! And please don't have a child with him, as others have said RUN RUN RUN !!

orangegato · 08/07/2024 21:52

Sorry how can you go near this man? The thought of someone like that makes me want to peel my skin off.

Lovelylydia · 08/07/2024 21:53

This would be the biggest turn off for me. It’s so tight. I was in a relationship like this and couldn’t bear the amount of time wasted in working out who owed who 5p. It bought out the worst in me too - I’m fairly generous and like buying gifts for people but I felt so constricted and I didn’t want to spend money on them as they were so miserly.
Get rid.

Despair1 · 08/07/2024 21:53

Screamingabdabz · 08/07/2024 21:43

He will get worse. The mean spirited penny pinching mentality just gets more embedded until you forget what actually living a normal life looks like. Even something like a coffee out will be considered a monumental waste of money and you end up living in several jumpers in the winter eating Aldi bargains and questioning where the colour went out of life.

Spot on!

AhBiscuits · 08/07/2024 21:54

Next time when you're serving dinner, weigh his portion and tell him he owes you a refund of £1.15.

CovertPiggery · 08/07/2024 21:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at user request.

Not everything has to be about men vs women.

Sometimes it can be about giving advice to the OP.

OP, this is no way to live. I think it's time to call it a day. It's so depressing to be with someone who never treats you and quibbles over £2.50. There should be more joy in life than that.

Mycatsasuperstar · 08/07/2024 21:54

Also it will be cheaper for you to bin him and go dinner solo! Your savings will increase when you get rid of ebenezer scrooge.

Original poster
Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:55

Lovelylydia · 08/07/2024 21:53

This would be the biggest turn off for me. It’s so tight. I was in a relationship like this and couldn’t bear the amount of time wasted in working out who owed who 5p. It bought out the worst in me too - I’m fairly generous and like buying gifts for people but I felt so constricted and I didn’t want to spend money on them as they were so miserly.
Get rid.

Omg same! I love treating people but now I treat my family rather than him which is sad.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 08/07/2024 21:55

Do you feel like partners, OP?

Disaster could strike any of us at any time. How would you react, and how would he want you to react, if he lost his ability to earn and burned through his savings because of a catastrophic illness?

Now, what would happen if the tables were turned?

TheGreenKnight · 08/07/2024 21:56

He is just a cheapskate, bin him!

Despair1 · 08/07/2024 21:56

Hi OP, this man is incredibly mean and I can guarantee that he will get worse. I totally agree with the previous post; it becomes embedded and a way of life. Your thoughts om spending become reframed when you spend time with miserly people. Please move on, you have every right to be resentful

Original poster
Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:57

poetryandwine · 08/07/2024 21:55

Do you feel like partners, OP?

Disaster could strike any of us at any time. How would you react, and how would he want you to react, if he lost his ability to earn and burned through his savings because of a catastrophic illness?

Now, what would happen if the tables were turned?

No not at all. I'm worried about what would happen if I ever couldn't work or lost my job, I think he would keep a running tab of what I owed him. He nearly got made redundant a year ago and there was no question that I would cover the bills etc if I had to.

OP posts:
ChampagneLassie · 08/07/2024 21:57

What a miserable way to live. Why are you with him? What’s good about it?

InfoSecInTheCity · 08/07/2024 21:58

@Rockrose94 how does he see things like maternity leave working?

A period of time when your salary will drop to around £500 a month, would you be expected to make up for the drop from your savings or would he top up your salary because you're at home? What about if you went back to work full time, would he pay half the childcare bill from his salary or would you be expected to pay it all? What if you go back part time, would you be expected to still cover half the bills and the childcare on half the salary?

Nanaboots · 08/07/2024 21:58

AhBiscuits · 08/07/2024 21:54

Next time when you're serving dinner, weigh his portion and tell him he owes you a refund of £1.15.

😂

dyethedress · 08/07/2024 21:58

Have you called him out on it? Not that you should have to, but does he actually realise how wholly unappealing this trait is in a partner? If not, then you should- and show him this thread.

IsawwhatIsaw · 08/07/2024 21:59

Why would you want to live like this? It just sounds so joyless. He won’t get better.

Screamingabdabz · 08/07/2024 22:00

dyethedress · 08/07/2024 21:58

Have you called him out on it? Not that you should have to, but does he actually realise how wholly unappealing this trait is in a partner? If not, then you should- and show him this thread.

Good question! What have you said about it op? I would absolutely take the piss out of him so badly and ask him wtf he was doing…

Matronic6 · 08/07/2024 22:01

Ewwwhhhh. Everything about your post just give me the ick.

How have you put up with this for 4 years?

Iloveacurry · 08/07/2024 22:01

I’m getting the ick from this guy!

Original poster
Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 22:02

dyethedress · 08/07/2024 21:58

Have you called him out on it? Not that you should have to, but does he actually realise how wholly unappealing this trait is in a partner? If not, then you should- and show him this thread.

I tried to speak to him about it a few months ago and he basically said I was not wanting to pay my own way and freeloading so I didn't actually realise there was a problem. I paid for a night at a fancy hotel last year and he insisted I paid for half of the dinner so I don't know, he makes it seem like obviously that is how we would split things as I'm the one who wanted to go for the night away.

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 08/07/2024 22:03

That is deeply unattractive. He is using you to to accrue savings. It's the worst kind of, it's mean 'mean of spirit'. That he would ride rough shode over your feelings and humiliate you for 2.50 tells you who he is inside.

One birthday dinner out in 4 years! Why wouldn't he treat you dinner or a night out because he knows it would make you happy as you have for him. The fact that he is quick to tip the balance in his favour and take more than he gives ..... Is this how you see your future.

You seem kind and generous. You deserve better - you cannot have children with this.