Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Good luck op, you deserve so much better x

Well done @Rockrose94

Great you are making a plan to leave. Please stick to it.

Re. 'Shared stuff / furniture' nothing has to be decided tomorrow. Definitely take the things that mean something to you when you leave.
At a future time you can say that he gets first choice on furniture so that at least he has the perceived idea that he has control of something that affects you both.
Remember, you are taking control of the biggest decision which is you ending this relationship - everything else is secondary to that.

Stay strong and good luck x

I’m really impressed by you op

Ah pet....I know your head is melted from us mothering old women😂.

It's just we don't want you pissed with yourself for not getting what you paid for.

Get out safely and come back to us.
We are SO PROUD OF YOU👏👏👏

It's honestly making me cry having people be so kind to me, saying they are proud etc. I don't know if that sounds pathetic. But anyway I'm just giving myself a pep talk and knowing I can get through this. I can't stress about the smaller stuff and winning, just feel I really need to be out of this shitty situation. Thanks so much for all of the advice, you've probably changed my life 😥

I would let him keep those stuff which have no sentimental value to you - would not like those memory to come with me to the new life.
Please do not stoop to his level and fight over stuff that you can buy again. You have gained a valuable lesson from him. Is time to prioritise your new life and leave those behind.

All the best op. Good luck

Life is so short....YOU are EVERY DAUGHTER for so many posters.

Embrace the love😁.

You poor love. It’s probably just really hitting you now, how much you’ve been through with him and how he’s belittled you and controlled you. It’s normal to have a good cry and quite a few of them I’m sure in the coming days as you get used to finding your feet again and working out what’s next. He sounds like a fun sponge. I can’t imagine someone telling my family I won’t be going on holiday anymore because he’s controlling my every move and I’m not allowed to spend any of my own money anymore.

I wonder if it will be a huge relief and in a few weeks you’ll start to feel so much better to be free of all this.

Wish you all the best tomorrow OP.

Best of luck with your next chapter, keep your cards close, he will be a predictable p*k when you tell him you’re leaving. The fact that you’re nervous about this is very telling.
You really deserve someone who loves and cares for you and really wants to spoil you 🍾🥂💐xx

You can do this and will feel a weight lifted. Don't stoop to his level as this will in his mind confirm what he thought of you as the one who was after his money. Be the bigger person and just get through each day. There will be days when you will wonder if you made the right decision. Re read this thread when you feel like this.

All the examples you gave is not 'normal life' so there will be a period of re adjustment. Even little things like filling the kettle might remind you but in time will become distant memory.

Also don't dwell on this man and give him any more of your time. When you feel ready, get back out there especially as you are 30 now and if you want to have children then the sooner you get back out there the better. This way you have more time to find someone compatible to you if this is what you want.

I can totally see why taking furniture is quite frankly more hassle than it's worth.
Transporting furniture isn't easy or cheap and then you have the issue of storage.

Take the stuff that will fit in a box, therefore will fit in a car boot and can easily be put in a loft of cupboard until you find somewhere new.

Stay strong, your probably feeling a mix of relief and sadness. Allow yourself time to grief for the relationship that isn't to be.

🤮

It really is just stuff - if you did go to the hassle of selling it, second hand furniture really isn't worth that much. But more than that, hopefully it will be freeing for you to just let it go, and not get bogged down in penny pinching - all of that is behind you now!

@Rockrose94 you've totally got this.

You can do this and you will. In time you’ll also feel soooo much better.
Good luck and stay strong with a clear vision of the future free of him.

I was married to a similar tight arse, and it completely wore me down over the years, it's still an issue now we're not together and he refuses to pay towards the kids/expects me to knock off money from child maintenance for cat food (for the cat that still lives with him), doesn't pull his weight with summer holiday childcare etc. Can't say I wish I'd never married him as I wouldn't have my children if I hadn't, however looking back I really shouldn't have done as the warning signs were all there!

Good luck for Sunday

You can use the big stuff like furniture as bargaining tools. He'll want what costs the most so sofas and beds he'll see as a win to keep as they are expensive to buy. Doesn't matter if he likes them or not. If he kicks off about bills etc just tell him he can keep the furniture and white goods in place of your half off the bills etc.

good luck OP. I've read all of the thread and think you're doing the right thing

I didn't notice the part where she said he eats 2/3 of the meals together. She should check out that food shop again.

Good luck tomorrow. Well done for getting this far.
If you are not taking the big stuff then take small stuff that will REALLY inconvenience him. The tin opener, the corkscrew, the pan you use all the time, the frying pan. Stuff you only notice missing when you need to use it.

I don't think it is very usual. If you wouldn't treat a friend like this, don't put up with it from your partner.

I don't agree that you should leave all of the furniture simply because you don't want to battle. I suggest you give him a price for your portion.

….. just caught up on this thread 😳😳 Jesus .. this one is a piece of work isn’t he!!
I don’t know if I’ve missed the part where you’re telling him you’re “done” but you have 100% made the right decision. This is just batshit

FWIW… in a similar vein
I know a woman who is like this man!
She is the one with money / car etc
She sends her husband a bill each month for his “share” which will include half of everything …… including the fuel she has used to take him in her car for his cancer treatment at the hospital 40miles away !!!! 😳😳

Run for the hills and don’t stop!
good luck 💐 xx