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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being so tight with money?

984 replies

Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:31

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

OP posts:

Andwegoroundagain · 14/07/2024 17:40

Well done OP. Stay strong ... he won't change because this is how he is. If he'd wanted to change he'd have done so ages ago

DancingLions · 14/07/2024 17:41

He's desperate so he's throwing everything at this to change your mind. He says he wants to marry you like it's some kind of "prize". It really isn't! He had long enough to change and just coming up with excuses why he didn't doesn't cut it. He's basically still trying to make it your "fault".

You've done the hardest part. Hold onto that. Once you're away from him you can see things more clearly. Don't let him badger you.

I'm glad you're meeting with your friend tonight. You have a lot of support here as you can see but RL support is so important.

GameOfJones · 14/07/2024 17:53

Well done OP. I agree with the others. Stand firm. He won't change and some of what he's done is so bloody unforgivable I don't think it would matter even if he could change to be honest.

He's showing his true colours by STILL blaming you. Gaslighting 101.

Needanewname42 · 14/07/2024 17:53

Well done Op. Glad you have moved out from his controlling behaviour.

Take time before you do anything.

AmandaHoldensLips · 14/07/2024 17:55

Jeez. The "I want to marry you" is his ace card that he thinks will solve everything and keep you in the cage he created.

He's panicking because his Golden Goose is leaving.

Pherian · 14/07/2024 17:55

Honey, he has a savings because are paying for all the fun times in his life and subsidising his lifestyle.

Why are you still with this joy sucking leech ?

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/07/2024 18:08

Well done - stay firm! He will come out with all sorts of BS now... make a bingo card so that you don't wobble!

'I can change'...

'It's not my fault I am like this'

'I am only like this because you are like whatever'

'You're bad with money, I am just trying to take care of us...'

Enjoy as much wine, cake, etc as you like with no one monitoring it or hoovering up half your plate!!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/07/2024 18:40

So whilst you were packing he was following your around, dragging out the whole proceedure with comments like

he's only like that because we aren't working as a team (your fault)
it's a result of x y z things that have happened between us, (probably your fault)
that he can change, (unlikely)
loves me
and wants to get married

So he started with blaming you for everything, and then when he saw that wasn't working changed tack and started love bombing. Now wants to get married, but it took you packing to leave to get him to make that offer. He's a real romantic.

Gaslighting 101 as pp said earlier. It shows how right you were not to instigate a big conversation with him about why. You'd still be there listening to more of this stuff.

I hope you and your friend have a really nice bottle of wine this evening and you have some peace and space to sort out what you want from your life.

KTheGrey · 14/07/2024 18:52

'Because we aren't working as a team' (sounds like it's true, he doesn't want to do his share) doesn't seem to be compatible with 'he can change'. Which is it, you as a couple or him?

He needs a better argument than that.

Busybeemumm · 14/07/2024 19:09

Well done OP! Its good to get space and also views from your friends and family. Your life will be miserable with someone like him. Reflect and think about what you want and not what he wants.

You have only seen how things are before other commitments like buying a house together, getting married and having children together as well as getting older and health for you and your family getting worse with age. All these are extra pressures financially and otherwise and things WILL get worse not better despite what he says now.

Lunde · 14/07/2024 19:16

I almost gave in a few times as he's telling me he's only like that because we aren't working as a team
How is him demanding £2.50 "working as a team"? - what is his teamwork contribution apart from eating most of the food and then billing you?

it's a result of x y z things that have happened between us
So he is blaming you for him being stingy?

he can change, loves me and wants to get married etc
Trying to reel you back in with vague promises

he's still not really taking responsibility
He is not taking any responsibility. He has blamed you for his own behaviour, He thinks you are so gullible that a few vague promises will get you running back.

NotARealWookiie · 14/07/2024 19:45

He might well want to marry you but do you want to marry a man who won’t even let you drink a glass of wine at your own speed because he literally thinks you might con him out of the cost of drinking a few millilitres more than him?

No you don’t.

You’ve done the hard bit OP. Well done.

Greatmate · 14/07/2024 19:45

Enjoy your evening with your friend. Enjoy eating and drinking without being observed. Be strong. Your future with the controlling, skinflint would have been miserable.

He was never going to marry you. He doesn't trust you and thinks your trying to make money off him (Which we know is bull because the only one benefiting everyday is him). There is no way the he's going to risk his assets. Even if he did, what sort of life would it have been for you? Fuck that.

anothernewstart9 · 14/07/2024 19:54

Well done! He will NEVER change, had you faltered and stayed you would be sentencing yourself to a life of utter misery. If you start to doubt yourself, just keep re-reading this thread, it's definitely not you, it's him.

Venice241 · 14/07/2024 20:17

He's put a lot of time into training you...4 years......, he won't want you to move on.
This is all about him, not you.
Well done.

JustMyView13 · 14/07/2024 21:03

We split everything evenly. We always have. We have our own savings, income
etc. The house is joint & we share the costs. If one of us comes on hard times we do help the other if needed. But largely we are self sufficient - just the way I like it. I owe him nothing and vice versa.
But we do let small things slide. For example we split the food shop. But I’ll grab whatever we need in the week as a top up, as will he. Unless one of us spends a significant amount (getting on for a half food shop) we just call it quits.
We round up what we transfer each other.

There is a way to split things fairly which doesn’t involve being tight. You either need to get as tight as him, or move on because you’ll never change him.

Mix56 · 14/07/2024 21:16

Theres no hurry,
Go & stay elsewhere & take your time to think.
Feel the relief of being able to eat the last biscuit with out angry glances.
Take your time, tell him you want peace & do not be harangued by dozens if whining, accusatory calls.
He will have to pay the correct percentage of his own meals now you are absent !

Hazyjaneishere · 14/07/2024 22:45

Apart from anything else this just sounds really really tedious. I cannot imagine that he’s going to get any better. He has savings but says he can’t afford things, what’s all that about? He’s not just tight, this is selfish behaviour that goes beyond money. I’d seriously consider if you want anymore years like this or to have children with him if you want kids.

Hazyjaneishere · 14/07/2024 22:49

Sorry just realised you are leaving him - PHEW. Stick to it. He’s worn you down to a point where you almost thought this was ok, this is not ok and he will never change. He’s taken enough from you, take back that self esteem and fly high sweetheart x x

Hazyjaneishere · 14/07/2024 22:54

Rockrose94 · 14/07/2024 17:16

Thanks for all the support, dragged on a lot longer than it should have and I almost gave in a few times as he's telling me he's only like that because we aren't working as a team and it's a result of x y z things that have happened between us, that he can change, loves me and wants to get married etc. I've told him I'm still going to stay with family for some space from it all for now so have left. I know I'm just faultering as he convinces me that things can be better but he's still not really taking responsibility. Meeting a friend for dinner and I know that she will help see through the bullshit

Stay strong. You’ve done the hard part and the only way is up. You’re way too good for him and he probably knows that. I’m six months time everything will have settled and you’ll be building something much better. Men like this don’t change but they’ll seemingly move heaven and earth to get you to change your mind. And then revert back to type. Deeds not words. Unless people actually take action to change and responsibility for their behaviour, it’s not worth it. You’ll be much better without him.

Smittenkitchen · 15/07/2024 08:55

Enjoy your evening with your friend OP. I just wanted to say that earlier in the thread you talked about not wanting to tell him that the problem was his tightness because you didn't want him to sort it out and then have some sort of happy ending with another woman. That seems like you believe that he's capable of changing. I really don't think he is. He'll be like that for the rest of his life. You later said you perhaps wouldn't want to tell him so that be wouldn't be able to hide that side of himself when getting into a new relationship and that's probably more realistic. Either way, just know he's not going to change, whatever he promises you. Agree with PP with the fact that even at this crunch point he still won't take responsibility and is trying to put the blame on you. It was him not working as a team with you, you seem like you were very willing to do that. Best wishes to you in this transition OP, I'm sure you'll see it's for the best.

Original poster

Rockrose94 · 15/07/2024 09:10

Thanks all. I have woken this morning and I really do think he is just grovelling and saying whatever he thinks I want to hear. All the things I raised with him as being an issue, his excuses for doing it were all based on my actions and being my fault, like he tried to say I was the one asking him for petrol money first. He didn't know what to say when I gave him an example of him asking me for petrol money from when I didn't even drive. So although I feel it would be so easy to just go back, I know I am going to end up at square one again as he's not genuinely going to change.

OP posts:

LoveWine123 · 15/07/2024 09:26

OP either way you need some distance from him and I think spending time away will highlight even more how ridiculous it all is. Especially if you spend time with “normal” people like your family who will remind you what normal actually looks like. Look after yourself and stay strong.

Toooldforthis36 · 15/07/2024 09:29

Stay focused on you @Rockrose94 , you know how you want to be treated, how you want to live and what doesn’t contribute to that.

PS All the things I raised with him as being an issue, his excuses for doing it were all based on my actions and being my fault…..this tells you everything.

Fgfgfg · 15/07/2024 09:32

Glad to hear you're as ok as you can be at the moment. I think you're right about grovelling and it sounds as though he'll say anything to get you back. The hard part is staying strong and not falling for any of his promises because he'd find it impossible to change who he really is. This thread has shown you so many different ways that people navigate finances and I hope you find someone who appreciates you without needing to control you. In some ways it's not even about the money but about bending you to his will. Best of luck for the future. Eat butter! Drink wine! Enjoy your life! You only have one 😀

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