Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Stay strong OP. You are worth so much more than this. People like him aren't capable of change. Onwards and upwards!

Of course that’s what he’s doing. He’s had a big shock. With you gone he’s going to have to start paying out for everything, and he won’t like that at all….

Stand firm. Fill the kettle, have a long shower, buy whatever you want, and thank goodness you had a lucky escape.

Edit - misread it.

Keep going OP. You won't regret leaving, but you will certainly regret staying.

You are worth so much more. To even be in a position where you are having to have these conversations with a partner is appalling. You are so used to it you have become immune. He’s ridiculous, pathetic, controlling, mean and does NOT cherish you.

Escaping this unhealthy relationship will be one of the best things you ever did.

You deserve to be cherished.

Be sure, when he realises you are not coming back he’ll become a nasty prick. Without a doubt.

P.S well done.

I'd be concerned that he's still blaming you. Just remember - he had a meltdown when you wanted an extra glass of wine because the bottle had not been shared exactly half/half....

His grovelling sounds a lot like this tbh:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

Well done on getting through the conversation. Enjoy life on the other side with no-one policing your petrol, wine and hot water!

Oh! Apparently that was just sarcasm 😆

ps I'd buy you a coffee & I don't even know you..... think about it

Ah yes... let the gaslighting begin...

To me it was NOT what was said that speaks volumes.

He didn’t apologise
He didn’t take any accountability
He wasn’t shocked/surprised
He didn’t ask you what you needed
He didn’t see that you needed space

Instead he essentially implied that YOU weren’t a team player, that YOU were the issue. He then tried to sweeten you up by throwing the marriage card at you….

BTW, the wine thing is super weird and controlling. He isn’t just tight but he’s a controlling arse. Who the hell is he to tell YOUR family that you won’t be going away with them anymore!

Hoping you are safely away from him where you can discuss his defensive statements and decide which narcissistic cliche they match.

Oh, of course. Because you cant take a joke right!?

If sarcasm is saying the opposite of what you really mean, then he presumably felt that OP wasn't drinking enough wine? Did he fuck mean that, what a gaslighting liar.

Yep, I agree with what's been said.

Possibly, if he were genuinely shocked, as in he really hadn't realised how bad he'd become. He reflected on it. Said to you "you know what, you're right, I've been behaving like an ass" and was then truly remorseful. There might be something to salvage, maybe. Doesn't sound like that's what happened though.

I really wish MN had been around when I was dating! Could have saved myself so many problems. I'm glad though that it's helped you come to realise you deserve better.

Like hell it was! It was sarcasm. And rudeness. And making a tight fisted point

Well done OP on getting yourself out of that one way ticket to a life of frustration misery and penury. You're bound to have moments of doubt, but know that that doubt will pass, and you don't need to be living a life with someone who blames you for his failings. You are well rid. The very best of luck to you in your life going forward.

Well done OP for getting so far.
you are having to make a massive decision which will impact your life, for good and bad, for months to come.
Sit down with a coffee and biscuits and read through this thread, the advice has been generally good and supportive. It will help your resolve as he is trying to manipulate you again.
Going forward alone can be scary but I am absolutely sure that once you have left him, you will find a huge weight has been lifted and, whilst things may initially be tough, your future will be so much happier.

He only does it as you don't work as a team? No he's right - HE doesn't.

Please OP do not fall for this.

He will never change and you'd always be watching what he did/didn't do.

He hasn't even apologised.

He's gaslighting you again - it'll get worse before it gets better - stand firm, you are doing the right thing.

Nailed it.

Also "his excuses for doing it were all based on my actions and being my fault, like he tried to say I was the one asking him for petrol money first. He didn't know what to say when I gave him an example of him asking me for petrol money from when I didn't even drive."

You said in previous posts that you didn't want to go into all the details with him when leaving because it would be exhausting, and this makes it clear you were absolutely right!!
No point engaging in all this nonsense.. He won't acknowledge a single fault or address how you are feeling at all. He's doing this tit for tat accounting to cloud the issue and find some way to pin the entire blame on you, as he is in complete denial that his behaviour is less than perfect and its just another excuse to berate you and argue the toss over a few pennies as if that really mattered and if he can keep trying to dredge up the right unarguable evidence until something sticks, it will make you say "Oh good point, you got me there, in that case, I'll stay."

Getting some time and space for yourself without him yattering away in your ear/head, is a very sensible move. You've proved in abundance that It's pointless debating any more of this stuff with him. And even if he was right, you still don't have to comply with his wishes. Time to focus on what you want going forward. Wishing you all the best OP.

@rEign..absolutely correct.

A friend of mine went on a first date ....(he had asked her out mjltiple times, was very keen) with a guy and they shared a bottle of wine with what was a pleasant enough meal.
The waitress asked would they like desert, coffee etc and she loved a French coffee with brandy and said I'll have one. He made a face which she caught and she asked what the problem was, he said nothing, but she had seen the face....thought fxxk that...cancelled it and asked for the bill instead.

He back peddled completely but she told us that she got such a powerful and instant Ick, that she wanted the evening over so she cut the evening short although he apologised furiously.
She said fine fine, but I'm tired and want to head home.
We didn't have a phone in the flat so he called her at work first thing Monday morning, apologised AGAIN and asked her out. She said no thanks, she wasn't interested. He kept mentioning the French coffee but she wouldn't give him the soot of saying that was it, just repeated I'm just not interested in you.

He was sniffing around her for months and months until she started seeing someone else.
She said he had been pleasant enough but the look he gave at her ordering the French coffee was enough to send her gut off. Meanness or bossy,(controlling wasn't a word back then)she was having none of it.....on a first date...CF.

Women who largely avoid pricks have a finely tuned gut that they listen to....therefore weeding twats out very quickly.

OP, did you get in touch with your letting agent?

Brace yourself for a grand gesture (will inevitably involve spending money) within the next couple of days from this divvy. Don't fall for it.

OP I've followed your thread and am CHEERING for you! Well done, you have been so very brave. And this is Mumsnet at its finest as the advice has fast tracked what you no doubt knew on some level but had been manipulated into blaming yourself for. If you hadn't started this thread, your life would have been so very different.

Now - it's all for the taking, baby! Anything is possible including the happiness and loving, kind, fun partner you deserve.

FWIW I think you're spot on about the furniture. Pick your battles. I think some people miss this when they haven't had a controlling partner - some things aren't worth fighting for, you're not bothered and you are using your energy to get outta there in one piece. Good for you. You can get new stuff of your choice in time, do some splurging and get some stuff from Gumtree or whatever. The key thing is leaving and that's what you're doing. That's what my solicitor even said to me about pension stuff as she could see what a piece of work my ex was, and it served me well.

Agree there'll probably be a grand gesture incoming, then lots of bitter anger blame. Just keep sipping your wine, at your own pace, and talking to your friends. They'll be so happy to have the real you back

Thanks all, I am seeing it quite clearly that he just tried to blame me for all the things I was unhappy about. I don't think he really see's that his behaviour has been a problem so his promises to change can't be real if he doesn't think he is in the wrong. He did actually apologise for an example I gave him for making me feel small and that he didn't mean it that way but that was after he had already tried to justify why he had done it because of something else I'd done. I don't think he deserves another chance as I sense he is going to improve for a few weeks before the old behaviours creep back in and I'm miserable again. I just need to remember this when I'm not feeling quite as strong.

You have the backing of over 3,000 people on MN and examples given. He is not capable of changing and will not change in the long run. You are both not compatible and you will be miserable in this relationship. Stay strong and focused on your own goals.

@Rockrose94 I’ve been reading your thread from the beginning and I’m super proud of you and the other women who have supported you on this thread. May I suggest you start a new thread, possibly in Relationshios, so we can keep supporting you? This one is about to fill up.

Also, yesterday I was watching The Joy Luck Club on the plane and one of the daughters was going through exactly the same thing with her husband. Supposedly splitting everything evenly but he wanted to charge her for the flea treatment for the cat he bought her for her birthday. It immediately reminded me of your thread and it just rang so many bells for me. That film was from 1993. So, just to say that women everywhere have been through this kind of financial abuse and you have generations of women standing behind you around the world who are lifting you up. 🙂