Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

OP, does he not give you the ICK? Dinner once in 4 years? Come on.

Jesus Christ! That is so horrible but I could honestly see him doing the same. Thank you x

Eugh, you appear to be having an intimate relationship with Ebenezer Scrooge. Gross.

And the elephant in the room is: how often does he demand XXXXXX

Yep don't make a big deal about furniture...

But also don't make no deal at all about it...

If you make a fuss, then you're trying to rip him off, you massive gold-digger you...

However if you go too far the other way and tell him he can keep it... then you'll be ditching him with stuff he needs to get shot of because its not his taste/he didn't choose it/never really liked it... and he'll have to pay to have it taken away woe is him etc etc.

So yeah, be casual, be 'whatever you want... dear...' about it, let him think HE has choices here.

And definitely piss off with the tin opener or one of the lids to the most used saucepan and the cheese grater. 😁

Good luck today, OP! 😘

This is ridiculous! I’ve not even been with my boyfriend for six months, we have essentially lived with each other for four months (we spend every night together taking turns at each others houses).

We split nothing. We take turns paying for things but don’t keep track because WE TRUST EVERYTHING WILL BE FAIR IN THE END.

If this is a person you are to spend the rest of your life with there will be occasions where one of you will contribute more financially and the other will be contributing in other ways. But you shouldn’t be tit for tat, you should be able to trust that neither is taking advantage and if it doesn’t feel fair then it’s probably not.

Just seen this.

So glad you're leaving, this is no way to live.

My friend has a husband similar (not as bad) and the kids have the minimum of everything. She tries to make up for his lack of input but there's only so much money she has of her own to do this.
He doesn't see a problem if his DS trousers are short if they still fit his waist or if tops are tight and insists the kids have a size or 2 bigger new things to last them- so even new clothes look like hand me downs as they don't fit. He asks his family for clothing items for kid's birthday/ Christmas gifts to save him money.

You have had a lucky escape!

Best of luck today OP. Will be thinking of you. I really hope there is no drama or hysterics from him. As another PP said, take care of yourself now, get good sleep, eat well, light exercise etc to avoid stress affecting you. You're onto better things now...onwards & upwards!!

I’m actually excited for you to have your freedom from this joke of a man @Rockrose94. He’s indoctrinated you and I’m glad you’re seeing the light.

Good luck today xx

I don't think OP should give a shit if he calls her a gold digger. She's leaving, who cares?

OP don’t look back. Life is too short. I split with a tightwad arse after 4 years and have not cried, not missed him one single day.

Im so glad you are making plans to leave and hope it goes well. Its always hard to do but I suspect you will feel a lot better, very quickly. Way too many of us on this thread have been there and feel a real kinship to your situation and perhaps giving the advice as if to a younger self, sister/daughter or loved one we know in a similar dynamic.

Im another one who has lived it- where an ex leeched off my resources/generosity while demanding forensic sharing of money if he ever put his hand in his pocket for anything eg he would stay weeks at a time in the flat I owned, wash his clothes there etc and pay nothing, but if he ever (rarely) made a meal or bought food it was itemised and halved. My lovely flatmate pointed this out but I was young, stupid ' in lurve' with my first BF and it took moving him in, and a build up of the rest of the emotional abuse (undermining, gaslighting, control, picking away at my confidence) before the scales fell from my eyes and I split up with him. Of course by this time we were living together so we stayed as flatmates for 6 months until he moved out to be with a new girlfriend/mug.

I felt 10 times better about a week after breaking off the relationship even though I was still in daily contact, realized I didn't actually miss him or the dynamics but was so screwed around by his behavior and my acceptance of it that it took me about 2 years to process it and acknowledge how abusive and manipulative he really was.

When he finally moved out of my flat he asked for all the rent he had paid me to be given back (as he had moved in as my BF I had charged him half the costs of running the flat as a partner would, well below market rate for a room rental at the time, and I hadn't changed that arrangement when we split up).
He just didn't get it when I pointed out it was like any other rent arrangement with any other landlord- he had rented accommodation and the money was payment for that service, and was therefore mine as the provider of that service. Apparently me using the rent money to pay the mortgage meant I was effectively keeping 'his' money in a high interest account and when he left he was still muttering about how I had cheated him and was enriching myself off of him.

Thinking of you today @Rockrose94

@Rockrose94 I agree with other posters not to get into the details about why you are breaking up. You are not happy and don't want to be with him any more is enough. You don't want to get stuck in an argument where he (simultaneously ) calls you a manipulative gold digger and promises that he will change his ways if you give him another chance.

Same with the furniture - yes, it sucks to have bought some stuff and left it with him, but do you really need the hassle of moving and storing it while you find somewhere else to live?

I predict that it will be a really uncomfortable conversation when you end it. Various lines that my crappy ex used in trying to get me to stay were:

• I love you more than anything
• everyone says we are a good couple
• I don't know how to live without you
• you will never find anyone else who loves you like I do
• you're throwing away the best thing in your life
• you're childish
• you were only with me for the lifestyle/money
• I can find a better girlfriend any time I like
• I can't believe you would treat me like this
• why are you suddenly so cold?
• I'll do whatever you want to show you how much I love you

You said, the relationship has been affecting your mental health, because you've been wondering why he treats you the way he does / what you're doing wrong to upset him. So if he starts with any of these lines, your impulse might be to show him that it's not true (it's not because he's tight, you weren't only with him for his money, you don't want to throw him away like that ...) and the cruel things he says will really hurt - because he's been conditioning you to want to be in his favour.

Don't engage in any of it. He can say what he likes, you are still done. Get the conversation over and that's it. Done.

(You might want to block him afterwards if he's getting in your head. On the other hand, seeing the flip flopping between "I love you so much I'll do anything" and "I can find someone better any time" at increasingly short intervals is pretty effective at exposing it as manipulation.)

Good luck today hope it goes well

Good luck for today! 🩵

As @FrizzledFrazzle said "Same with the furniture - yes, it sucks to have bought some stuff and left it with him, but do you really need the hassle of moving and storing it while you find somewhere else to live?"

I also thought it might be nice when you are in your new place to have chairs he's never sat on etc and things that are exactly the way you want them, instead of taking things that might be a visible reminder and then you are really shaking the sand from your sandals.

Well actually that’s what marriage means legally. As a married couple you are a joint enterprise and both own half of all shared income and assets.

Thinking of you OP. Hoping it went well today x

Thanks for all the support, dragged on a lot longer than it should have and I almost gave in a few times as he's telling me he's only like that because we aren't working as a team and it's a result of x y z things that have happened between us, that he can change, loves me and wants to get married etc. I've told him I'm still going to stay with family for some space from it all for now so have left. I know I'm just faultering as he convinces me that things can be better but he's still not really taking responsibility. Meeting a friend for dinner and I know that she will help see through the bullshit

He’s still blaming you, OP- stand firm!

Well done OP!!

Yep it's still all your fault!!

He's happy for you to spend your money subbing him (meals out, weekly shop) and then it be your fault that you have less in savings than him.