How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

I would text before saying ‘should we kitty up before or when we get there for meals out and if we need to add in extra we can do that there’.

that way you set the expectation that it will be shared and offering solution for them to object to. Any decency about them they won’t or come back with alternative paying suggestions.

’(DC name) please make sure you get enough euro for the holiday- now that you’re earning, it would be good if you could pay for your own restaurant meals/food while we’re away. We’re saving for our retirement/ cruise/ house project’

Yeah they definitely should be paying their way, one off meal for a special occasion at home - yeah I'd pay as the parent but not every meal/drinks on holiday.

I know some people do this, but I just can’t. I always pick up the bill for all my children. We have two extra ones who often join us too and I pick the bill up for them as well.
I can afford it like you can and it gives me pleasure to be with them. However, maybe you could suggest a kitty to cover drinks and lunches.

If I could afford it I’d always pay for
my children

Do you have adult children?

My parents could afford it and often pay but the fact that neither of them are choosing to pick up the tab is a problem. My dad will fight me for the bill but I often nip to the loo to pick up the bill on the way. Because that’s fair.

They could split it 50/50 and treat their mum for once.

As earning adults it’s rude and impolite.

OP- you just need to have a chat with them about how because of xyz you can’t pick up the bill all the same. If they can’t afford don’t want to stick their hands in their pocket for a meal out, suggest meeting up for coffee and cafe instead again.

I'd tackle it more head on and positively:

Right offspring. Now that you are both fully fledged adults earning your own money I'm incredibly proud of you both. This holiday feels less the right time to mark the changing dynamic and so I'd like us to start splitting lunch and dinner bills like equal adults. We can do this by means of a kitty we all pay into, or I'm more than happy to have a rota and take turns.
Be warned i will still slip into mum woth young children mode any buy you the odd icecream!

My children always pay for me when we go out and have done since they started in full time employment. Yours need to start paying their way. There is an app called split wise that you could send them the link to which is useful.

Talk to them about it before you go. Say you are happy to treat them from time to time but as a default they need to pay their way now they are earning.

Can you all get Monzo cards as you can set up a shared group on there and all the costs in the pot get split equally at the end of the trip? So you’re not having to split bills at the restaurant, it just automatically sorts it based on who’s paid what during the trip. Then any meals you want to treat, you just pay for it on a separate card.

We almost always pay for adult dds and their spouse/partner (all now 40s/early 50s) since we have more spare cash and no mortgage or dependent dcs/childcare costs.

Now and then they do try to insist - occasionally successfully, like the time a dd said she was just going to the loo - taking no purse or handbag - she’d put a credit card down her bra!

I’d tell them in advance so they can budget for it, and either exchange currency at a preferential rate, or apply for a card which has no fees when used abroad. I’d just say something really blunt along the lines of now everyone is earning, it makes sense for bills to be split among the group. But my family is fairly blunt in communication.Then suggest options how it would work best in the group: an app like Splitwise, a kitty, one couple pays for everything then divides up afterwards.

I hope to be able to treat my dc when older but I also hope to be honest about my money and earning situation.
If I can't afford it I would say I'd love to go out for a meal, can we split the bill..

the tone of this message is perfect. I’d sdy it (not text it), in advance.

I also like @Gofastboatsmojito suggestion, it gets straight to the point and sets expectations clearly but in a very positive way.

" Shall we all put 100 each in the kitty for meals out to start with. We can always top up when necessary

Why?

It's really nice to be able to pay for dinner or whatever for your parents. I did this at 15 after earning my first pay - and have always paid for their meals at least 50% of the time

This is a nice approach

Ever since I started earning, and likewise all of my siblings, we have always paid or at least offered to pay our own way. My parents would often insist on getting the bill, but I always felt proud to be able to treat my parents. Your children come across as spoiled and entitled to be honest, to not even attempt to offer payment. It's quite juvenile.

Do be aware that their enthusiasm for holidays with you may dwindle if you're not paying for all the meals!

If it was me I'd probably try and move gradually from paying for all meals to splitting all meals, by suggesting we split some but I still pay for some too, so the balance gradually shifts rather than happens suddenly, which will be quite a shock and not what they were expecting.

For me it would also depend on not only their earning capacity but also their overall financial position eg are they trying to save to get on the housing ladder, are properties too expensive for them to buy in their area etc.

I should say, that I have paid for every single meal out we have ever had, and that has included their partners too. So the bill can be hundreds of pounds. I've always been happy to do this, as I earned more. We are now all earning a similar amount. But the scene has been set, so I am still the only one paying. This trip is me and DH going to visit DD and her partner in NZ, so the trip will be costing us £7k, before spends. If we have several lunches and dinners out, plus drinks in bars etc, that's going to cost an arm and a leg, and I'm just thinking that surely this is the time to split the bills. But it's hard knowing how to put that in motion without appearing mean. Some good suggestions so far though.

MiddleagedBeachbum · Today 10:30
If I could afford it I’d always pay for
my children

They are not children. They are working adults

Terrible that they don't offer given they are adults. I'd tell them beforehand. I'd say something like "I just wanted to let you know I won't be able to take the cost of the meals etc, so if we could pay for ourselves that would be great".

If I could easily afford it I'd continue to pay (and do, my eldest is 28). Whilst they may be earning they are at a very different life stage with things like house deposits, mortgages, student loans and any future plans for marriage/kids all ahead of them. I'd prefer they save their money for this kind of thing as much as possible. My eldest will offer to pay, and mean it, and is generous with gifts although I don't expect that.

I do understand the different perspective though that some think they should pay their way and ultimately it's each to their own. If the parents can't easily afford it then definitely the adult kids need to step up and pay for their own stuff.