How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

I actually think this is the area where she is being a bit cheeky

When my PIL visit us from overseas, we cook for them the majority of the time. Often lunch is basically piling a lot of cheese, ham, salad etc onto the table and people assemble their own plate so it's not super fancy but I wouldn't dream of having close family come all that way and only maybe cooking for them once

And I wouldn't dream of assuming if I cooked once they should take me out the next night as compensation. My PIL usually treat us to one nice meal out and sometimes a lunch as well but we will cook far more for them

This 👆

Possibly even with the addition of "I have paid for you for the last 25+ years, now it's time for you to start returning the favour and paying for me" 😂

My parents are staying with us at the moment, having flown a similar distance. We have been eating out a lot!
They paid all the first time. The second time when the bill came they said 'how much is our share?' and we split things from then on.
There are a couple of places they really wanted to try and have offered in advance to take us there. So expectations fairly clear and while they could afford to pay every time it would not occur to me that we should expect them to.

This is totally right. I also do this with my mum as she still often tries to buy lunch even though she has retired! I think as soon as children start earning money and have left home it shouldn’t be expected that the parent will pay. Often we do pay for our child but I definitely like the fact that she offers and occasionally does.

Just be up front we will split this one in 3 etc and be quite matter of fact about it.
Luckily our dc got this by himself. Still pay the whole bill occasionally but tbh they are earning and it's fair

I would never tell them that you've paid for them for the last 25 years. That's your responsibility as a parent.
Don't say it, even in a light hearted way. Our children do not owe us for being born

I was joking, hence the 😂

I have nothing new to add, other than to reiterate what some pp's have said and that's to let them know before the holiday. I absolutely wouldn't be announcing on the first meal out "right, you lot can pay tomorrow". It will really put them on the spot.

I have adult DC and we just had a conversation about it. They understood that with me being single and still having a lot of financial outgoings, that I couldn't afford to pay for them both all the time. It was fine.

My mum never paid for me so it's not even as if I should "pay it forward" so to speak. I do still treat them on some occasions but then they treat me too sometimes.

This! What kind of relationships do people have that they can't just say what they want or need. And I know that I have teenagers but I find it hard to imagine our relationship changing so much that I'd feel any awkwardness or need for a 'script' to tell them what's what. They are not strangers FGS.

I thought this too, suggest a kitty for meals / drinks / outings that are taken together.

I think it depends how much money they earn and what kind of restaurants you're going to. I've been on holiday with my parents, and we've either alternated the bill or we've cooked. If we were going to a really fancy place, I'd assume we'd split it unless otherwise agreed - but the unspoken rule really is that we don't go to fancy places! So nobody gets stiffed with a horrendous bill. I don't think it's fair to ask your kids to pay if you're going to posh restaurants for every meal, and they don't do that as a regular thing in their lives, but if it's a cheap and cheerful beach restaurant or whatever, then fair enough.

'Look kids, we're not getting any younger and we need to save for our retirement so we won't be a burden on you, so could we all agree we'll pay our own way when we eat out? We can't really afford hundreds of pounds for a meal any more. Soz.'

Frankly, I'd be expecting a bit of grovelling and apology for the fact that they've been freeloading off you all this time. Like you say, it's one thing when they're young and skint, quite another when grown arse adults and their partners just sit there and expect you to treat them every time.

Freeloading? Goodness. Imagine thinking of your own children in that way. How sad.

I would be disappointed if ever I reached a situation where I could not just directly tell my kids what was on my mind. They are at university now and we communicate freely about everything, the good and the bad. I would not think twice about just raising this as an issue if I wanted to. I wouldn’t overthink wording. I would just tell them!

I think it's a good idea to change the dynamic now, OP.

My late husband and I paid for every single meal we had out with his children.
They were much better off than us, but I can only recall one offer of splitting the meal (on an occasion when one of the kids thought that I was paying for it on my own).

One time, we were visiting the son and his partner. (We were staying in a hotel.) DH asked them to choose the restaurant - which they did. It was rather expensive.

DH was disabled by then. He sent me up to the pay the bill, using his card. (I had a POA card for him.) As I got there, I realised that his son was already there. "How lovely!" I thought. 'He's paying the bill as a treat for his dad."

He was actually ordering yet another bottle of expensive wine.

I still can't get my head round it. The only thing that I can think of is that he was used to getting all his meals and booze on work expenses.

I would probably say now that you’d like to treat them to a couple of meals, then they will realise that the rest will be split or on them. This way, if they don’t want to spend loads on eating out (they might not as it isn’t their holiday) you can eat by yourself.

I’m 44 and my parents pay for my meals. They insist tbh.

How about saying something like 'Hi X, thinking about our trip and getting excited. To set expectations, we won't be able to foot the bill each time on this trip after the flights etc and now you and [name of sibling] are earning well whcih I am so proud of (and as much as me!), it is probably also a good time to start splitting the bill more generally. I will still treat you from time to time of course, this is more about the default. For this trip, we could either take it in turns, split as we go along or do a kitty - just let us know what sounds easiest. I will also mention to [name of sibling].

Then you could treat them on the first or last night.

Have a great trip!

I would try and set expectations before the holiday, so that if they don’t have the money to go out unless you’re paying then they can save face by having you round more often etc.
I like pp suggestions about doing it gradually and also about tying it in with them now earning a decent wage.
How about something like “Now that you’re all earning as much as me I’m sure that you don’t want your mum treating you to meals all the time when we’re with you. But I’d love for you to choose one night to celebrate the birthdays I’ve missed whilst you’ve been in NZ and let me treat you to dinner somewhere you really want to go.” and then suggest splitting the others when you’re in the restaurant, perhaps picking up the cheque if they’ve cooked etc.

Imagine as adult having so little generosity or self respect that you sit back and allow your mum to pay ever time you have dinner. Imagine never being sure if your adult children really want to go places with you and enjoy your company, or just want a freebie. How sad.

But they can afford it - OP says that, and the kids probably know it. It's totally fair enough to say she wants to split - as I say, I think they should be proactively offering by now - but pretending they can't afford it doesn't seem a great way to do it to me.

But they have been free-loading! What other way is there to think of it when comparatively affluent adults in their late 20s sit on their hands and dont even offer to pay/split for expensive meals out with parents, or worse partners parents..This is not a situation where the OP has been insisting on paying, they have simply taken it as a given. You can love them and dislike the behaviour and ask for it to change, that's the normal ebb and flow of ANY relationship surely. Just because someone is your child doesn't mean you have to only think well of them, that's what would be sad. And very poor parenting.

I agree. However I think there are a lot of adults on this thread happy to keep having mummy pay for them

Nope.
Viewing your children as "freeloaders" is horrible.

Embarrassing