How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

A friend said something like this to her children ...

"I just thought I'd let you know in advance that, with retirement looming, I'm now having to be careful with money, so unfortunately we will now need to split the meals as I'm no longer in a position where I can afford to pay for us all to eat out".

She then added ...

"Just remember, the more money I have, means you won't have to look after me in my old age and the more money you'll get when I pop my clogs 😀"!

I do offer to pay the bill from time to time but my mum pays for pretty much all meals out for my full family.

I don't mean to be harsh, but is it possible that dinner with the parents isn't exactly what they'd be spending their money on entirely by choice? As in, to be brutally honest, some of my friends go on family holidays they wouldn't be able to afford. If they were spending their own money, they'd be going with their own friends.

Friends who lived abroad for some years told me that whenever their adult DC (both men) came to stay with them, bringing partner each time, they never even brought ANY Euros OR got their credit cards out! They actually expected their retired parents to pay for absolutely everything during their stay.

I do think parents of such children have an obligation to continue their parenting by ridding their adult DC of their shocking entitlement.

OP is apparently flying 12k miles to New Zealand. Why cant her daughter and partner pay? or as someone suggested each couple put some money in (£200) until it runs out

Jeez, my early teenage children get me the odd ice cream or soft drink on holidays out of their spending money, sometimes at my gentle suggestion, sometimes off their own bat. I'd be ashamed of them if they got to their late 20s and hadn't cottoned on to concepts like manners, reciprocity and fairness. As for paying for partners at that kind of age, that's where things get really WTF? Fine to do the occasional hosting or treating but to be habitually paying out for working earning adults - who no doubt have their good jobs in part because of the financial and other supports given by their parents- is actually shocking.

I really think it's important that you have a think about exactly how much you are expecting to set the tone. If they would be going to these restaurants/days out etc anyway, then they pay their own way. If you and their stepfather are essentially expecting to be entertained by them for day after day, then cough up.

When we eat out with DS we generally pay, although he does sometimes too. But there are two of us and only one of him so I think it's reasonable. He will generally pay for the drinks in the pub beforehand and for tips.
Also we are retired, with good pensions and are mortgage free. He earns very well but is still renting and saving up for a house.
We're happy with the situation.

“Can’t afford to treat everyone at every meal so I suggest we all split the bill or take turn.” is fair enough.

As an adult (in my 20’s also) I definitely cover my own food, and more often than not pick up the tab actually, including the one of my mother if we ever end up at the same place, who, to be fair, has never paid a cent towards me in adulthood (I moved out at 16) and who I am not super close to. So I couldn’t imagine not paying for myself and even picking up the tab every once in a while if I had a mom I am close with and who had paid for every single meal up until now.

I am surprised you even have to ask your kids to step up to be honest.

Agree with this. I wouldn't for shame have allowed my mum to get her purse out while I sat there like an overgrown child, and my adult DSs who outearn me by some margin, wouldn't dream of it either.

I think the trouble will be you have set the expectation and one or more may not have the cash immediately to contribute for themselves given they never had to. I would probably say right there is x in the Kitty from us to kick us off but once its gone we are splitting the bills this time - its too much for us to pay for the whole holiday esp if it includes drinks as well.

If you know one is alot less well off or significantly younger say 18 instead or late 20s I might sub them a bit more as older ones have had the benefit for longer etc.

Why are you infantilising your adult children like this?

What? You’ve never bought your mother a meal ?

But in many cases the relative positions of the generations have shifted since 'your old nanna'. My parents are pensioners - they also have more disposable income than DH and I have or probably ever will, given they've been mortgage-free for decades and have pension arrangements that are much more generous than anything now in existence. I was actually also much better off (or at least had much more disposable cash) in my 20s than I am now with childcare bills as I near 40!

That said, I actually do think your kids should offer - I do, every time. Mine insist, every time, on paying. Sometimes I sneakily pay!

Do they not cook for you at their home at all?

I think my PIL handle this well with a similar situation - they usually kick off some trip planning and say something along the lines of:

We would love to take you all out for dinner/Sunday lunch one night

We really want to do this attraction and we'll pay for everyone who wants to come

It's then just clearly implied that everything else is split but it's framed in a positive way. Usually we treat them one time as well and it's all quite harmonious

If you are departing from the normal routine, I would raise it in advance rather than spring it on them.

You’re all adults now, let’s split the bill when we go out.

It's not a nice position to be in. I'm surprised they have never organised a meal for you as a treat. I would definitely suggest either splitting the bill or taking turns to pay in future.

Personally I like this message. Transparent, clear and supportive all at the same time.

This, there’s no need for all those sickly super nice messages! Why be so scared to tell these independent adults to buy their own food fgs?

Oh right...so if you're visiting DD why would you be eating out everyday day? Presumably she doesn't normally eat out for lunch and dinner? I think if the reason you are eating out is because you want to and you expect her to join you, you should pay, but if she's refusing to cook at home and wants you to take her out for meals, then you should ask. To ask in advance would be quite rude as if someone visits me I would expect to cater to them at home.

I think I would turn this on it's head.
Rather than ask them to pay I think I would say something like "I know that you will probably want to pay for us when we are out as we are coming all this way but I don't think that would be fair. I think we should go 50/50. What do you think?"
That way you set expectations in advance.
With my adult children I am much less careful and set expectations out bluntly. I always pay for the majority of stuff but have no problem in saying that they can pay for coffee/ lunch since I pay for dinner.

I would also just note that you need to be sure that you're not still assuming any other parts of the 'parental' role in this - e.g., an assumption that you'll pick where you go. One of the reasons my parents still always offer to pay is that they know they're picking places that are fancier/more expensive than I'd pick myself.

Some great suggestions, thank you. Too many to mention, but I have honestly read them all. I think they might cook one night - not sure. If so, then I'd definitely pick up the next tab.

I often holiday with adult DC, we tended to just take it turn about paying, though I do like to treat them despite them being on good incomes.

I'll just never understand how grown professional adult women cannot just say how they feel, mumsnet is full of people saying how can I tell my husband such and such without upsetting him, or their kids or random strangers.
Just say outright, Darlings, I can't keep paying for the whole meal, it's too expensive we'll all have to pay for ourselves.
Job done.