How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

Did you pay for the holiday OP?

I think it's mean to insist on splitting the bill if you can afford to pay.
Talk to your children rather than send a message, ask if they are able to contribute and if so, would it be better for them to cover their own bills every time or for them to treat you sometimes etc. I don't think they should have to pay for your husband though. It will depend on their individual budgets. I presume they don't earn loads in their early 20s.

It's not mean!

It's about these adults stepping up and being decent human beings.

Actually, I quite like this idea. Maybe we could pay for the first meal, and then the next one, I could just say "shall we split this one?"

I thought this too, but given OP is looking for advice on how to broach it with her own children I would guess the relationships are not as good as they could be between them all.

Mine are 24 and 27 and I always pay for them when we’re out. Plus any partners or friends attending. Everyone is always fully appreciative.

I am going to New York with DD soon and have explained that if she (foodie) wants to eat at very expensive places, she will have to pick up the bill. Otherwise, I am happy to do so.

It is very hard for young people on low wages, paying exorbitant rents (London) and I simply enjoy treating them.

It seems like you are also happy to treat but your DH is kicking off about it?

It's me and DH going to where DD and her DH live (New Zealand). So, it's a huge expense for us, but no expense for them, iyswim. We are not staying at their home though, there is no spare bedroom, and there's no way we wanted to sleep on the floor. We are renting a nice apartment nearby.

I’m not with you, for me, I always pay for mine and as long as I can afford it, I always will. I don’t want mine to spend their hard earned money on me, and I see it as my job to treat them.

stunned at the earlier poster who always has her kids pay for her.

Please do not surprise your adult kids with a change in expectation.

Please communicate well beforehand clearly.

While you are no doubt earning similar money, your disposable incomes will be vastly different with them needing to pay for housing and student loans etc.

That doesn’t mean you need to keep paying, but please I don’t assume life will be rosy for them and this will be easy to do without adjustments.

I would expect them to offer to pay given you are traveling to see them at great expense. Do you really not expect your DD to offer to pay for anything unless you raise it? This seems extraordinary.

Mine are mid to late 20's and to date I have ALWAYS paid. I am led to believe that the area we are going to, the restaurants will be very expensive. DH is absolutely not kicking off about it.

Actually I think if you're staying with them as their guests this is not the holiday to start a new dynamic

Wow. So you basically hardly see her anyway, and now don’t want to pay for her when you visit?

You can afford it and want to do it, so that's all fine.

If you're getting pressure from DH, and you want to change the paying for things; just say that they will need to factor in holiday expenses, such as meals & drinks out, food shopping, trips, etc.

In all honesty, they really should be offering to pay their way at this stage.

It's ABSOLUTLEY FINE for OP not to want to pay for all meals out. She still loves her children

She’s spending 7k getting there! There’s no way I’d allow my mum to pay for me having spent all that money on flights!

I’d give them 2 choices so it seems like they’re not just being told something and seems more tactful. I’d say

when we have meals out would you rather split the bill evenly or each pay for what we eat/drink? I’m happy either way

The fact you are visiting them is actually a bit more complicated I think, bearing in mind the existing dynamic. Because if you said, "right, we're all off to the greek isles, I've paid for the villa and happy to pay for food and drink we have here but let's agree to splt all food and drinks out" that would be a fairly natural process. It's a bit harder when you're going to visit them and, arguably, a lot of these meals out etc are not because they're on holiday but because YOU are on holiday, if that makes sense? Especially if you're all eating out a lot more than they would usually.

You could try saying something at the first meal out like, "Right, this one is definitely on us becuase it's our first meal. We can split the next one." as a way to set the tone.

I think it's a bit sad actually that your children haven't clocked they're adults now. With my parents, it's always been a bit of a mix who pays for what, when. But I have always liked being able to treat them sometimes - it feels like it it's more adult.

Do you have a genuinely good idea of their finances?

We stayed away from family when we were younger for a number of years. It led to us having house guests most months, often for several weeks back to back at Easter/summer/Christmas etc plus weekends.
We were not long married, young family, high rent, car payments, trying to save plus take our own DC on a short break each year.
Guests coming to us were ‘on holiday’ and big days out were often suggested and a few meals. We genuinely spent all our disposable income, including some we should have saved, to host, join in etc.

My in laws used to request certain dinners etc not realising they were retired, no mortgage, decent pensions and no bills at home for 3 months of the year between visiting us, BIL and holidays!

Same here.
DD is almost 20 now and we pay for both her and her BF, although they are at Uni and only work very part time.
Her BF usually offers and often buys us a drink or similar and for me thats the point, if it was taken for granted I might mind but they never assume and always thank us so I am Ok with it

Wow. So you basically hardly see her anyway, and now don’t want to pay for her when you visit?

How about they hardly ever see their mum, and should treat her?

Hmm. I pay for my kids but they are younger and while one is full time employed it’s minimum wage. I think in the normal course of life and if it was once a month or so I’d still pay. But for a holiday (I’m on one now and know how much is adds up) I’d definitely expect them to contribute. But agree warn in advance! I’d say just that; you are expecting they will pay their share of expenses. I’ve just read they have partners and you pay for them too - ouch. It’s about time they started acting like the adults they are. You won’t appear ‘mean’. If there’s comeback shame on them!

Well, you might change your tune when they're each earning £75,000 and you're on your pension and they still don't fucking offer to pay!

Sounds like a lot of people have raiser's entitled snowflakes.

Adults who earn well should pay their way.

Don't feel guilty about it OP

I absolutely do not let my parents pick up the bill, I'm really surprised yours don't even offer? Especially as you're traveling out to see them. So you're basically their guests. That's how we would see it. My parents would fight me on the bill but I'd ensure I paid it or did it sneakily whilst on the way to the toilet or whatever. Perhaps a culture difference. But they're your children, you shouldn't have to tiptoe around it, just a direct 'hey guys so this time we're expecting you to pay your own way when we go out please' and just pick up a tab or two whilst there but not all of time.