How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

That must have been referring to my MIL who never sticks her hand in her pocket but always orders the most expensive thing on the menu! What’s worse is she leaves half of it. Angry and annoyed doesn’t even cover it.

I think a lot of answers on here would be quite different if OPs original post has been clearer. "Me and my DH are visiting my daughter and her husband in NZ. She's in a one bed flat and we are renting near by. They will be taking us around and showing us placed and taking time off work. They are in late 20s. How do we split bills ?"

Exactly what I would do. Dead easy, you just say ‘Our turn tonight, yours tomorrow. They really can’t imagine you’ll be paying for everything when you’re paying £7K on flights and however much on accommodation!

Me and dad would quietly compete to see who could pay first when we were out with my mum and husband. Nothing drastic, just I’d go to the loo and pay on the way or he would go to get another pint and pay while up there.

When our adult children were all earning a decent wage we just told them from now on we were going to split the bill. They all earn more than we ever have plus when they went out with their in-laws the bill was split.
I also have a massive issue with adult children who only want to socialise with their parents as they are going to pay 🙄

I love treating my dad to meals and very rarely let him pick up the tab (unless he really insists) it’s nice to be able to give back after all the years of paying for me. As an adult I would never expect anyone to pay for mine or my kids meals. Sounds like a good life lesson for them! I’d just let them know in a casual way and if they aren’t happy about it then tough!

I would send a message and perhaps offer to treat one nice meal while on the holiday, but ask that everyone cover their own food and drink the rest of the time.

I live overseas and when my parents make the huge effort to see me I treat them to every meal I can. I used to always pay for their flights too (this changed when I went on mat leave and had less disposable cash).

I'm amazed your adult children let you pay at all!

Unless your kids are complete entitled brats, you say “right, you’re all fully grown adults now earning as much as I do, just to let you know we’ll be paying for ourselves on this holiday, including meals.”

I always pay for younger relatives, they might be earning similar amounts but I would rather they use their money for other things, save for the future. They have been earning a decent salary for less time and don't own their homes or have savings. When I visit them on holiday I am very conscious that they are incurring costs that they wouldn't usually have to such as going out during the working week and are taking me out.

We have grown up kids and to be honest them paying just happened organically with no discussion needed. They may well surprise you!

If we go somewhere I have suggested and it’s pricey I pay. If their idea to meet and their choice just ask if it is ok to split the bill by txt or at table Or say we will get the food do you mind getting the drinks. Once they get the idea they won’t mind probably not thought about it. My DD and her H earn big money my son and his partner don’t. My finances have fluctuated over the years and unless it’s an occasion where I want to meet I can’t pay every time.My Parents were wealthy but I always offered to pay for something when we went out as older family .

I think your dc could become similarly tight if you continue to pay for them. For their own development start making them pay for their own restaurant bills.

Does DH have kids? If not, I’m wondering if your dc think you’ll be millionaires some day so you should treat them.

I’d say a couple light hearted jokes around ‘oh making good money, dinners on you!’ And profuse thanks and bragging about how good they are doing.

if they don’t pick that up then ask for separate bills. They will get it soon.

No don't do this. It's not grown up.

This. I was really shocked to read this!

This is so bad. They sound so spoilt.

Are you staying with them? For free? And will they be feeding you in their house? If so, you should be paying for meals out. If you’re in a hotel it would be fine to split, but I’m guessing you don’t see them that much so you might still feel like treating them while you’re there.

OP, just show this thread to your DC and let mumsnet do the work for you :D

There are many arguments against paying for them, but that's not one of them. Unless, of course, you say to people at parties,

"Let me introduce you to my working adults, Jane and John."