How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

Some good suggestions here but however you tackle it I'd do it sooner rather than later. Your children might be budgeting for this holiday assuming all meals are paid for so might need time to adjust that.

I would prefer an upfront method, before the bill arrives. That way everyone knows what to expect when the bill arrives, rather than only half of the people. It allows her and her partner to budget for it, if necessary. It will be clear that it’s something you and DH had planned it in advance, so why not loop in your daughter? I’d be a little put out if that were me, like people were talking behind my back and assumed I wouldn’t agree to something reasonable and felt they needed to spring it on me in the moment.

What’s wrong with saying now (when you’ve made the decision) that since it’s costing such a lot to travel to visit, it makes sense that bills for bars and restaurants are divided from now on?

I think you should have mentioned this before booking to be honest, in case they could only afford to go on the basis you’re paying.

Maybe suggest a kitty for group meals out and everyone can get their own the rest of the time?

Although just a warning that if they’re paying for their own they may prefer to go off by themselves…

Thanks. I thought that was a strange message! To be clear, I do not want my children to treat me and DH. I am merely thinking, that we could now start to split restaurant bills, in the way that you would if you went out with friends. I'm still happy to pay a bit more, so if we split the cost of a meal, and then went for cocktails, I'd definitely pay for the cocktails.

So, to the parents who are still paying for every meal, when you're out with adult kids, how long are you going to do that for? Till they are 40? 50? What about when you are 80? My parents always paid for my old Nanna.

Personally, I left home at 20, and me and my partner always paid our half when we went out with my parents.

What? She is paying for flights and accommodation. Of course her daughter should pay for some meals out.

We have 5 adult DCs plus partners, so 12 altogether when we eat out. All earn more than us. A typical bill is £800 per meal inc their bottles of wine and unlimited cocktails. When our youngest started work we just came out and suggested we pay for ourselves from now on, because two or three meals out means that Dad and I can’t afford a holiday this year. They were all absolutely fine with it. Sometimes they even treat us!

If you can afford it thrn I'd still pay but I would expect them to offer to buy things some of the time

What you do is irrelevant. OP has clearly stated she wants her adult children to pay their way, so she's asking for advice on how to go about that...

When you arrive in NZ you just say - the flight and accommodation have challenged the budget. Do you mind if we stay home and cook as we can't afford too many meals out? - we can take it in turns to cook, or you can come to us some nights? We're happy to treat you on our last night, but any other meals out can we split the cost?
Or something similar. Surely you are there to see the family rather than be bothered about eating out all the time.

If my parents flew out to spend time with me, and we couldn't host them there is no way in hell I'd let them pay for their own dinner out, let alone mine.

Honestly this place is so batshit at times with responses like this.

I would give them plenty of notice so they bring money etc.

I think paying for your kids meals and drinks no matter what would mean they would drink and eat a lot more than you are comfortable spending. So making them aware they have to contribute is important.

If they can afford it then they should pay something. Or pay for their own drinks at least!

I have the opposite problem - since I earned well in my 20's and my father had died, my mother and sibling just expected me to always pay for them - that hasn't changed despite them both now having far more disposable income than me (young family, significant illness cutting salary fr years, London vs North, mortgaged, vs no mortgages etc) and I can tell you that it began to rankle a few years ago and as a result I see them less.

So my advice is to be clear as early as possible that you'd like to split all bills and then on occassion (at your discretion) you can pay for everyone, not just that it's assumed.

Well your DD is 19 and at Uni. That's almost 10 years younger than my children, who are working in Post Grad jobs and earning well.

I'd casually mention it next time you are on the phone to your daughter. Simply say that you are planning your trip and were thinking about costs and that you would like to split costs when you go out. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing this. Your daughter should have offered and her partner should have offered too.

We mostly pay for our adult kids when we go out in a big group but they regularly treat me. We can easily afford it though so it's not a problem. I really like the fact that they treat me though. If I go for a meal with just my daughters they will pay and I like that. It's the thought that they want to treat me that I like.

They're working adults and should have been paying their own way long before now. The longer you keep paying for them the harder it will be to stop. Some of the suggestions about communicating the expectations sound helpful. Once they're working and in their own homes I don't see why a parent should be paying for them.

I think it’s a tricky dynamic when kids go from being poor and semi-dependent, to financially independent.
A good friend of mine had her son living with her while he was a student, so obviously she let him live rent free, paid all bills, paid for his phone etc, just as she’d done when he was a teen. He then did a masters, still at home, still not earning more than casual job money, so he still lived rent free and bills paid. Then he got a job, and actually ended up earning more than my friend. But he still lived rent free etc. My friend didn’t mind as she could afford it, and it resolved itself anyway as a couple of years later he moved out and bought his own place (with the money he’d saved by having no bills to pay!). But I can see it would have been tricky to change things if my friend had wanted to.

It's hard, especially if you're the sort of person who likes to treat everyone anyway.

With ds1, I had a quiet word and said that I just couldn't afford to pay for him (and very often his girlfriend, too) all the time any more, so they'd have to chip in. He was rather embarrassed that he hadn't thought of it, apologised, and from then on has always either paid his way, or offered to (and either been refused, accepted or half-accepted.)

We're all going away on a big holiday next year and all costs are being divided exactly between us. I'll still pay for them sometimes, or will cover a big chunk (e.g car hire), because I like to, but generally it'll be shared.

Yes I know but I would still offer to pay for them as long as I can afford it.
If they have good jobs it would be nice if they offered to treat us and knowing DD she will but I won't be too bothered

I agree with PPs that it's bad your daughter has never offered, especially if she's got her partner with her. There's no way I'd let my partner's parents constantly pick up the tab for me.

I think you just have to go out for the first dinner and then when the bill comes say "shall we split it?". Simple as that. You'll have flown all the way there and be paying for a hotel so they'd be real a-holes to not pay their share of the meal.

We always pay the bill on the basis that we’d rather see them enjoy the money now than leave it to them when we’re dead. As our mortgage is paid off we’re better off than them even if our incomes are similar.

Just send a group text and say. Bills will be split 4 ways.

Just say I’ll get this tonight, your turn tomorrow

Yes, exactly.

Right and if I could afford it I'd always pay for my parents

Whatever you or I would do in hypothetical circumstances is literally of no relevance to the OP who hasn't asked if she should keep paying.

Op I think a chatty message " looking forward to the holiday! Dad and I are working out how much cash we are going to take/need to get converted so just wanted to check if we are all just going to pay individually at each meal or if you'd rather put say (x amount) each into a kitty to cover meals and drinks. Happy to go with whatever option you prefer!"

If you were willing you could say something like "dad and I were thinking we would treat you to a nice restaurant on the first/last evening but for the rest of the time do you want to...." just to make absolutely sure they understand you are not planning to pay for everything!