How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

Only on MN do parents pay for their children until their dying breaths.

In reality working adults should actually be paying for their bloody mothers meal ffs.

I find it really embarrassing when I go out with family members who twiddle their thumbs and look the other way whilst their mothers get their purse out the hand bag. My DAD does this to my grandmother 😳

OP I’d send a message along the lines of ‘ hey everyone make sure you bring enough euros to pay for meals and mum’s moneys money is going on sangria!'

Don't let mum guilt mean you are forever paying for grown ass adults. They should actually be ashamed of themselves

Would they still go with you if they were picking up their own tab, and if not, would that bother you?

I think it’s totally reasonable to expect them to pay for themselves! YANBU. But… I often see grandparents paying for holidays for their children and grandchildren as a way to go away with them. Not sayings it’s right or ethical, but I have friends that would probably do their own thing if their parents weren’t paying.

If it was one meal out, I would pay without hesitation. But this will be up to 5 lunches, 5 dinners, bars for cocktails etc, and possibly entrance to some things. Which is quite a lot.

Are you paying to take them on holiday? Did you choose the destination and invite them, or did they ask for it? I'm a bit confused by the dynamic of the entire family going on holiday. Children go on holiday with their parents and the parents pay for everything. You're wanting to change the part of it where you pay, but not change the part where you all go on holiday together.

I think this is leaving it way too late! If the dc have never paid for anything before its likely they won't have enough money to pay for 4 peoples meals several times a week so op will end up covering them and everyone will be resentful! Also could result in piss taking with the kids ordering water and Salad on "their" days and Steak and cocktails on the parents days.

I think whatever you do you have to tell them asap so they can budget for food. Yes morally they should have done this anyway but practically if theyve never paid before unless told otherwise they will just assume the same status quo.

I've got four adult children who all earn more than me. As if I'm going to pay four five adults when we go out. I usually have to stop them paying for me. But if I go out with one of them, just for breakfast or coffee, then I might pay because I still like to feel like I treat them sometimes.

Me and DH are visiting my DD and her DH, where they live (NZ). We are not staying with them, as they have a 1 bed apartment. We have rented an apartment nearby.

We've just been away with in laws and split the bills. When DH is out with his kids he still pays - they buy the odd round....

But he can afford it and they don't earn much, he likes to treat them.

But I think having a kitty suggestion is a really good idea and then you can still treat them a bit if you want.

I'm surprised they haven't offered to treat you for a night out, they should be at the stage of splitting bills/taking turns now. Since you aren't staying with them I'd take them somewhere nice on the first night and say 'this is our treat tonight, we can split the bill next time we go out'. Depends how much time they spend cooking for you at theirs of course.

For those who say 'I'd always pay for my children' I think there comes a point where the children have more money and are more capable and that dynamic reverses completely. We generally don't let MIL pay for things because she tends to underestimate the cost of taking us plus our teenage DC out (she's widowed and in her late 80s). She wants to be generous but can't actually afford it so we'll let her pay at a cheaper restaurant then cover the bill when we go somewhere more expensive.

Have an honest chat. I like paying for my parents. My mum treats me lots and it’s a good feeling to give back.

In reality working adults should actually be paying for their bloody mothers meal ffs

eh. No they shouldn’t unless she’s skint.

My kids don't even need to be asked ! They contribute their share. That's rid of your kids to not even offer. Have the talk before you go that the bill will be split equally.

Yeah, I think we all would l! . The key words being "if I could afford it"

I will continue to do it unless I get to the stage I can’t afford it.

Op why don’t you just text your daughter and say first meal on me, after that we will need to split all meals drinks ans activities. You can’t just take them by surprise. Depending on their finances, prepare for the schedule to change.

Sometimes my dad pays sometimes I pay sometimes we split it… there’s never any issue with any of the way we do it… if my dad was visiting from afar I’d be treating him to the first meal at the very least!

actually my husbands mum is visiting us for 2 months in Australia and we’ll pay for all food when she’s here, cover her meals when we go out and I know she’ll take us out for the last dinner. I’m happy with this.

Same here!

Same with us.

I think its disgusting that your adult children are allowing you to pay for it all... now is the time to put a stop to it IMHO, albeit in a way that they are encouraged to contribute without making a big deal of it. If they kick off or refuse then you haven't brought them up right, sorry to say. My parents are extremely generous and were throughout my young adult years but as soon as I flew the nest and was earning (not even a lot), I wanted to treat my parents and show them the respect that all the years of supporting me (and I didnt go to Uni) were appreciated. I am wondering how the conversation goes at the end of the meal, do they offer and you insist on paying, or is there an awkward silence when the server asks who wants the bill???? My mind is boggling here why your children are not embarrassed, or at least their partners would comment and suggest that you shouldn't pay hundreds of pounds. They sound like entitled tight arses to me, i'm feeling angry for you being put in this situation :-)

It’s a shame they haven’t already offered. As soon as I had a proper job, I always offered to pay my share of the bill went I went for meals with my parents- they very rarely let me, probably because there was a massive difference between how much money they had and how much I had, but I always tried to pay my way! Surprised it hasn’t occurred to OPs children to at least offer.

Does it have to be tactful, they're your kids? I always just say, I won't be able to pick up the whole bill so let's split it - do you want to split it straight four ways or everyone just pay for what they had?

No, never any awkward silences. I just quickly pay it.

Firstly, I think you're absolutely right to want to make this fair. In no other relationship would we think it OK that we are bank rolling other independent adults. Also I think its important to know that our children do things with us because they value our company rather than just tolerating us for the freebies. It's one of those situations where you'd hope your DC would offer because really they shouldn't be comfortable with taking from you if they are earning well themselves. And in fairness perhaps they're not, but think you want to do it. If it were me I'd message beforehand something like "How should we manage costs on holiday because paying for everyone is a bit much for me. Shall we take turns paying for dinner, or shall we each pay for our own?"

I think I would say "we would like to take you out to dinner one night as a thank you for hosting" which sets the expectation that it is only that night that you are footing the bill

I would just say “Time you two treated us for a change”.
No time for ceremony with the offspring.