How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

I’ve one DS who is nearly 26. Starting to earn a more decent salary but still hard with rents, etc. So far we’ve always paid when eating out (my parents did for me) and I’m happy to do that. We’ve invited him on a big trip which we are covering most of as it’s to visit family. However when we are there I will expect him to pay if he wants extras outside of what we are prepared to pay. For instance if he wants a restaurant meal for lunch and dinner he can cover his lunch as we don’t need a big meal for both. He’s also heading off on his own for part of it and will fund that himself. We always offered to split with my parents (once we were earning ok) but they never accepted. Now they are old we treat them all the time!

The problem with OPs post is that they aren't all going on holiday together OP is visiting her daughter in New Zealand.

I don’t get it when people are like this with their own kids. Just tell them. They’re your kids, not colleagues.

PS However, I would warn them in advance or when you pay say ‘ok, kids, this is the last time I’m picking the whole bill…’

I went away with my Mum and adult DD - I worried about this and used an app called Settle-Up. Got them both to download it and we just added what we spent along the way. My Mum and I each picked up one nice meal while we were away and DD didn't. Most things went on the app and it shopped any arguments or resentment

I'd definitely suggest having a kitty for all the shared costs whether that be getting food in or going out.

Now I'm older I would dream of letting my mum pay.

It's nice to treat her!!!

@ManchesterLu

Oops that should have said "WOULDN'T dream of letting her pay"

They're not going away on holiday together.
She's visiting them in NZ.

I think it would be very weird to suggest a kitty or some sort of splitting app. This is family, not a group of mates.

Ditto some sort of shaming remark - it doesn't matter what has happened in the past, this is a very long way to travel and it would be a shame to spoil it for some misguided sense of point scoring. My DPs mostly pay for things ( not so much now as we don't go out) but occasionally we would try to pay, I don't think we are spongers, and I intend to pay for DS when he is an adult and comes out with us. A holiday with multiple meals is different though.

Just some sort of low key remark, I like the "We will treat you to a meal on the last night", gets the point across without making a big thing of it.

yes - but it doesn't mean they cant use the app - it was one of a number of suggestions by a lot of people that OP can choose to ignore or take note of as they wish. They may not have known this sort of thing existed. They may have known.

Send a family group message saying 'Do you all want to chip into a family meals fund before we go so there's no calculating who owes what when in restaurants & we'll split the bill equally each time' see how that goes & if they don't agree then just pay your part of the bill when it's handed out at the restaurant & then pass on the bill so the others know how much they need to pay..

I wouldn’t imagine, due to the huge cost of your trip, that your daughter would then expect multiple meals etc out !!! Surely she would be looking forward to showing you around and treating you. Food is very expensive in NZ , as is eating out. I hope you have a wonderful time.

"Shall we go Dutch?" "Can we go Dutch as I can't really afford to pay for everyone anymore?"

This :)

I'm not talking about the app. I'm correcting the assumption that there going on holiday together. It does change the situation, imo.

When I lived abroad I would prefer visiting my family rather than they came to visit. That way I could see my parents and catch up with other friends and family. It also meant that I had to take holiday from work, which was fine but my preference would have been to use it to travel.
OP your DD is in her 20s she might be earning decent money but may have student loans and wouldn't normally go out so much as when you are over, she's unlikely to be financially comfortable in terms of owning a home.
All of my friends in their mid to late 50s who have children in their mid 20s /late 20s will pay for family meals out. And pay for holidays they are aware it's a free holiday for their children and that's probably why the kids are going but don't care because there's going to be many years ahead where they will see their children far less. It's an age where family time is precious and if you can afford I wouldn't make a deal over it. There's people on MN who complain their adult children don't visit or call.
How many times will you get to see your daughter in the next few years ?
If you can't afford it then say "Can we eat home a little, I can cook as I know you're working, it's just so expensive"

She didn't ask if you pay for your kids, she asked how to broach the subject with them.

What about calculating an approximate for meals drinks or whatever you would like them to contribute, and ask them to transfer you some money before then. That way only one pays the bill?

We usually pay for our adult children and their partners but I’ve started to state on our family Whatapp group for them to contribute. We’ve got a couple of family fun things coming up and I’ve told them what we’re prepared to pay and ask them all for a set sum to send to me before hand. They are all happy to do this.

I’d probably pay for older teenagers, students or low wage earners, but not adults in their twenties earning a proper wage.
Did they contribute to the cost of NZ trip?? I wouldn’t have let them away with that either.

They live there. OP’s visiting them.

Definitely time to start splitting the cost. I am really second hand embarrassed from the partner’s behaviour.. to wait for your MIL (or anyone really!!) to always pay and cover you .. wow! Even if you quickly pay the bill as you say you do- surely the right thing for the partners (at least) is to demand paying next time etc etc. Do they say thank you? Is it acknowledged you do this for them? Paying for your children is one but covering their adult partners too is definitely a no for me.
I was not long ago in a very similar boat and I started bringing cash to pay for DH and myself. Worked like a charm. I will advise to have a chat beforehand and then consider cash only until the new way is understood.

Same. No matter how old they are, I’ll always be their mum 👩

I shouldn't say anything now. But. Due to past shennannigans of dividing up separate bills for all parties involved. What I do is I say to each " Pay roughly what you think you should on your own card ." Then I pay last what is left on remaining balance. because otherwise it takes HOURS for each person to accurately tot up what theyve had.