To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

[AvrilAprill]

At the end of last year I made friends with a mum who’d just moved to the area. We got on great, as did our partners.

However, I’ve now found out that they first got together when she was 16 and he was 20/21. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that, and my husband says I’m being weird

I don't think your experience is comparable, simply because girls mature so much more quickly than boys. For a 20 year old woman the gap with 16 year old boys feels at least a couple of years wider, but a 20 year old man may well be at the level of a 16-17 year old girl in terms of maturity.

Why does it have to be one or the other?

Could you not hope that your DD might find a decent, pleasant boy/man who also was around her own age?

I know a lot of lovely, kind teenagers and elderly people - and I happily socialise with them at family/community gatherings - but if I weren't already married, I still wouldn't remotely be considering them as partners, however lovely they are.

No, they wouldn't

Yes, they would. By anyone with decent morals.

@Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingServmy point was it should not be judged on age alone.

What generation are you talking about? I am mid 40s and I think you are being ridiculous

No, I realise that - and I agree; but I do believe that age IS a very important limiting factor, nonetheless.

@Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService I don't think a four year gap is an issue..

How the world changes. My aunt in her 70s started dating her now husband when she was 14 and he was 17. Married at 16 and are still going strong. As for the Op, you are being very weird and it’s really none if your business.

I very much disagree, when they are at that stage.

The difference between the life experiences of a 20yo and a 16yo are often enormous - you do a massive amount of growing up mentally and emotionally in that time, even if a 20yo man does see a physically developed 16yo girl and thinks she's a bit of alright.

@Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService it's about the individuals involved, not a generalisation based purely on age.

Yes, they would. By anyone with decent morals.

🙄

I agree!

I'm not for one second saying that you personally are condoning it or drawing a moral comparison, but this is the same way of looking at and justifying things that the so-called MAPs take.

Yes, we have an age of consent, but plenty of people on this thread have already been nudging that down a year or two and saying that it doesn't really make a difference if they really love each other and might well be in it for the long haul.

@Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService it depends on the individuals as I previously stated.

You can't make a sweeping generalisation.

This.

I was avidly seeking older guys at that age and it did me no harm.

Very bizarre thing to fixate on.

I know contact with skin oils is good for pearls, but there’s some serious overdoing it with the clutching going on. I’d hate to be as infantilised as many teenagers growing up now.

Catch on to yourself. There is absolutely nothing innately predatory about it. I was only barely 17 when I lost my virginity to a lad of 21. Same age difference as here. I was more mature and precocious than most girls my age, he was totally immature and as dumb as a bag of rocks (but he was handsome and kind and gentlemanly).

He didn’t groom me FFS. We just fancied each other and liked each other and happened to go to the same college.

Unclutch your pearls!

Yes - and what I am saying is that, with a significant age imbalance, you can't know that the younger person has full agency to make that commitment.

A 14yo girl could very easily end up pregnant by a 20yo 'partner', which would obviously be very bad news for her - but is that OK if she promises that she really does love him and she is mature enough to make the decision to be with him?

@Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService I'm talking about the OP, 16 and 20!

Not sure what you're taking about, it's not relevant to this thread.

So do you believe it sexist to make girls legally wait until they are 16, if they are very frequently much more mature than 16yo boys?

And I have referenced the people on this thread, as it has developed, who have been talking about 14yos.

Believe me, there are already plenty of people out there who are just waiting for their chance to campaign along the lines that people are already condoning now, by saying how outdated and ridiculous it is to put stupid age limits there when two people of significantly differing ages really love each other - because 'love is love', people are individuals and mature at different ages, and it is hateful, patronising, bigoted and discriminatory to prevent them from living their lives as they wish to.

@Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService I'm not talking about 14 year olds, stop generalising me with others.

What they say is not a reflection on me.

You need to understand everyone is different and should be judged on their own merits.

Wasn't Queen Elizabeth 13 when she first met Prince Phillip, who was 18?

Yes, times have changed for the better. A 21 year old interested in a 17 year old now would rightfully be looked at with disgust

What utter rot.

A 4 year age difference? My daughter met her husband when he was 21 and she was 30. She knew he was the man for her, yet under innate pressure, and a sense of responsibility, she ended the relationship because of the age gap.

They separated, with upset all round, for 4 months.

She was distraught and so was he. She thought she was doing the right thing by him. He suffered rejection for no good reason. She loves him. He really loves her. I'm her mother. I could see inside all this. I told her if she loves him then who in the world should spoil it for them. They are now married 10 years with 3 children. And happy as the day is long.

So a 9 year age difference. Does it make it ok because she's the female in this?
If it was the other way around and he was 30 and she was 21 would it still be unpalatable? My husband is 7 years older than me. So when I was 17 he would have been 24.

It's all a load of old tosh.

Nobody should get tied down in marriage at the age of 17. But to say 17 and 21 are so far apart that never the twain shall meet is a bit uninformed. Born within 4 years of each other! Girls mature much faster than boys. Not surprising that fully developed 17 year old girls are attracted to slightly older boys. It was always the case. Check out some historical records. A 5 year age gap was the norm.

Correct!