To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

[AvrilAprill]

At the end of last year I made friends with a mum who’d just moved to the area. We got on great, as did our partners.

However, I’ve now found out that they first got together when she was 16 and he was 20/21. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that, and my husband says I’m being weird

I really don’t see 4 years as a big age difference. I met my now husband when I was 17 and he was 20, turning 21. There’s a 3 and a half year age gap. We’ve been together for nearly 20 years and married for 17 of those years. I couldn’t ask for anyone better who gets me, supports me and loves me for me and we are 100% equal partners in our relationship, in our home and as parents.

I’ve seen some comments mention power dynamics and sure, that could be a problem in some relationships but an unbalanced power dynamic doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with how big/small the age gap is between two people, it’s far more likely down to how they are as individuals. In the absence of any other info from the OP of any other observations of the couple I think it’s unreasonable to be put off by such a very average, if not small, age difference.

the question was WHAT in that relationship make people feel "wrong". Hence the question, is it because of sex?

I don't think anyone replied, but again, if it's not the sexual aspect of the relationship, what is it?

the casual assumption that sex between kids of 16 is acceptable and no one's business is something that I find sad.
I don't think any 16 ever ask for permission, like it or not, it does happen. The only parental input is to try to make them stay safe.

I wonder if it's the same woman I used to know. They now have 3 boys...

At 16 I was living alone and working full time so people my age didn't interest me one bit. All of my long standing friendships and relationships are a minimum of 6yrs my senior. My partner is 13yrs older than me.

She was above legal age, I think your closed mind could be the issue here. They're happy, they were legal, just let them get on with it is my advice

My DH was 16 , just joined the army and I was 19 when we met, 38 years later we are still together, married for 34 years. People mature at different rates. Why do you need to be worried about it?

YABTU

One of my early relationships began when I was 16 and he was 20. We were together 5 years. Still friends now. Nothing untoward whatsoever.

People used to leave school at 16 and get jobs. (!!) Totally normal age difference imo.

And in the US 20 is still a minor

It’s an arbitrary cut off point to some extent

When I was a teen (y2k+), 16 year olds were not regarded as children, they were young adults who could have children, work full time jobs and live completely independently of their parents or any other person.

So not a child by most people’s definitions.

I was halfway through age 16 when I got together with my children’s father who had just turned 19 at the time. No one thought it was strange at all, we were both in college.

But when my son was 19 and comparing his life to his dad’s he said his dad must have been a “nonce” to fancy a 16 year old. I’d never thought about it like that. In hindsight I think he was looking for someone weaker than him to lord it over. Horrible man.

100% this!

Just because one of the couple is a few years older, doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve got the upper hand or are more dominant in the relationship.

@HalfwayToHell

Can you not see how inappropriate this comment is to the poster concerned?

She spent her whole life with this man who she met at 17 in what must have been the 1970s and she has now lost him .

How dare you dismiss her life and her happiness like this .

Was she in school though? Cos I was 16 when I met my now husband and he was nearly 19 but my birthday is summer. So I had left school and was in college I was just 16. We also met in a club in town so it wasn’t like I was in my school
uniform.

How old are you OP? 20 is not very old at all, and many young men are really immature at that age (beleive me, I teach them at University). I met my husband when I was 36 and he was 41. Its a bigger gap, and it means nothing because at a certain point these things fade into insignificance. In any event, what difference does it make to you? Unless this man is a danger to your family/community (and the fact that he has a long term 4 year age gap relationship is not enough of a red flag), it's really not any of your business honestly. If you are this judgemental about friends lives, it must be quite difficult to maintain relationships.

The replies on this thread are wild. A 21 year old has no business being with a 16 year old. 16 year olds are still school children for gods sake. Everyone saying it’s not a big deal, would it still not be a big deal if your 16 year old daughter came home with an 21 year old man??
Honestly imo it calls into question the guys morals, a 21 year old knows better, idc if they stood the test of time or whatever.

I certainly think that the age of consent should be dependent on the age gap until after 18, to protect young people from potential abuse, coercion and manipulation from significantly older people.

When somebody under the age of consent - let's say 14, as that seems to be considered an entirely reasonable, normal age amongst many MNers - has sex with another child of the same age or one year either way, it's considered in the eyes of the law as youthful foolishness, a possible safeguarding issue, but neither of the children involved are punished. However, if one were 14 and the other, say, 17 or 18, the older one would be blamed and very probably prosecuted.

I know that I am very much in the minority on this thread, but I can't believe that so many people see no issue with a child aged 167 having sex with anybody of any age (over 16), unless it's a teacher or family member. The opportunities for exploitation by significantly older people are so bounteous; all they have to do is cross off the days on their calendar until their intended turns 16, show them some affection/lovebombing that can easily be confused for genuine love at that age and then they can fill their boots.

I really cannot believe that so many people on this thread are so blase about this. I do wonder if they would be quite so accepting if it were their own 16yo DD who came home with a grandad (somebody else's; not her own, of course) and insisted that they were truly in love and freely physically, passionately acting on that.

If you got together when he was 20, no; if he was 16, yes.

so many people see no issue with a child aged 167 having sex with anybody of any age (over 16)

Too late to correct the typo - if you get to the age of 167, have sex with whomever you want!

Nowadays you stay in education till 18, but when I was that age (I’m late 30s now), at 16 you could have your own home, a full time job and/or a child.

You still can No law preventing it

Ah well there you go then. Assumed this was where the talk of 16 year olds being ‘school children’ had come from. (And also – I thought staying in education was compulsory now?)

Yes, times have changed for the better. A 21 year old interested in a 17 year old now would rightfully be looked at with disgust.

What a nasty, judgemental post to a widow talking about her beloved late husband. Your response is what is disgusting.

Education. Employment or training , Unless you have a child

Again, not all 16 year olds are schoolchildren! We're not talking about a couple that got together yesterday.

16 year olds know their own minds
I did
And I do not change my view 35 years on

And the view from all of you that a 20 year old boy is a predatory man is wild
My boys are still like kids at that age
So insulting

16 year olds are not always at school, and frankly Sixth Form even in a school aren't the same as a "school child"
Either different uniform or no uniform at all, just business wear. Teachers more relaxed about formality. Their own space and lunchtimes. Able to leave schoolgrounds during the day. Fewer lessons and therefore free time to pursue other interests like drama or music or sports. Earlier finishes. Shorter terms. Able to have their phones out in limited places...

And once again the only person suggesting a 16 year old and a "grandad" (presumably they mean a 60+ year old, not the possible 30 year old grandads that exist) would be acceptable is the one arguing against such things. And bringing up 14 year olds... makes you wonder